wishes

Wouldn't it be nice if wishes came true?
I have a body lotion called 1000 Wishes.
I love the scent.
Every time I use it I think
 "Just one wish, that's all, just one...."
But I am learning to accept
 that my wish will be unfulfilled.
At least as I now wish it.
And I'm learning to be okay with that.


Some days "okay" doesn't look okay to the outside world.
And honestly,  some days it doesn't feel okay to me.
Like today.
I had a good long, hard cry about...
well, I had a good long, hard cry this morning.
But more and more, I find God's peace and comfort in my sorrow.
I am reminded of the song lyrics
"What if a thousand tears are Your blessings in disguise".
And I am beginning to see His blessings through the tears.

I'd rather have a thousand tears with His spiritual blessings
than a thousand wishes come true without them!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Al

Today, my Al has been gone two years.

I'd like to share some thoughts.

Al loved being silly and having fun! In many ways, he never grew up! That was part of his charm! And, in many ways, he was never a child, was always an adult! That was what made him a good child, brother, husband, daddy, papa, employee, church member, all around good man!

Al was a cute little guy who just got better with age! His family was so important to him! He loved them so much! And he was proud of them in various ways. His little sister, Paula, was his very best friend. She had some hard times in young adulthood and he was so proud of how she matured and worked to become a successful nurse! He always loved her most I think.

His other siblings were much older than he. His sister, Pearlene, 12 years older, was his other mama. She defended him, made sure he was stylish when it became important in those early years, and treated him with respect. His only brother, Olen, was his idol as a little kid. He prayed for Olen in his troubled years and was so very, very happy when he gave his life to Christ shortly before his death! I can only imagine the rejoicing the two of them are doing! His sister, Sandra, was the baby for seven years before Al came along. There were the most fireworks between the two of them, and yet, when he spoke of her, he did so with great love. When she received her own cancer diagnosis, he cried. Hard. And when she was pronounced cancer-free, he rejoiced. Hard! And of course, he loved his mama and daddy! He strove to always please them and felt it keenly when he knew he had disappointed them in some way. He became the good man he was because of his family!

Al purely loved being a daddy! Even during those difficult teen years, he doted on his girls and was so proud of them! He worked long, hard hours in order to give them everything they needed and most of what they wanted. He loved their talents! Was proud of all they had accomplished! Was proud that they worked hard, played hard, loved hard! He often teared up when talking about his girls! He loved playing with them and would toss the ball (that's how Kim lost one tooth), fling them in the air (that's how Chrys took a major splat on a floor), and let them climb and play on him endlessly. Any little gift they gave, especially those purchased on their own (the fuzzy dice) or hand-made (the sun face and the sloth) were prized possessions! I think the hardest thing he ever did was give them away to another man. Yes, he purely loved his children and strove to be the very best daddy he could!

While it was hard to give them up, he really and truly didn’t mind because he was giving them to such fine men. He loved his sons-in-law and they loved him. That says a lot about all of them! What a blessing Craig and Dusty were to him! He was proud of the men they are and so pleased at how they loved his little girls and his grandchildren! He did not think of them as sons-in-law, he thought of them as sons!

His grandchildren were the joy of his life! He adored these three wonderful gifts from God! And what a good papa he was! From shooting bows and arrows and BB guns to video games to letting Kylie put bows in his hair, to just being silly with them, he was willing to do just about anything to make his grandchildren smile and laugh! He went to soccer games and football games and concerts and anything else they were involved in! He was so proud of the young men Ashton and Hayden were already becoming. And he doted on his little princess! Yes, his grandchildren were precious to him!

Yes, his family was very, very important to him!

But most important to him on earth was me. What a blessing and privilege it was to be so loved in life! We were high school sweethearts. We grew up together! From our first kiss when I was barely 14 and he not quite 16 to his efforts to tell me he loved me the day before his death, I always knew, even when we were fighting, even when things weren’t going well, even when I was not lovable, I always knew he loved me! More than anything or anyone else except for God. And sometimes he struggled with even that! The best man I ever knew, loved me! What an honor!

And I loved him!

I always will!

I found proof!!!

I found it!
Proof positive that all men are pigs!
Or at least one!

Against my better judgment,

I agreed to have dinner with a very persistent suitor tonight.

He is not someone in whom I thought I would be interested.

But he was so persistent and 

I found my previous plans for the evening canceled,

so, when he called again this afternoon,

I said okay.

Against my better judgement.

You'd think I'd learn......

Now, I realize this sounds very shallow,

and it is,

but, part of my hesitation in going out with him

has been his last name,

you know, just in case.

Are you ready?

Pigman.

His last name is Pigman.

Very appropriate!

Just sayin'!

Still "Be still and wait!"

Yes, Lord!

Dreams

Sometimes it frustrates me
that I rarely dream about Al,
but I do dream about Harlan.
I want to dream about Al.
And I try!
On the rare occasions that I do,
they are nightmares. 
But from almost the moment
he came into my life,
I dream often about Harlan.
And I try not to now....


Sigh.....
Is it March yet?

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Choosing Joy

I am in a widow's group on Facebook.
We have very interesting discussions.
Today the following question was asked:

"I have a question for you all. 

I was talking to a friend today about how impatient 

I was/am to "get over this" and figure out the rest of my life. 

Their response was 

"Oh, you'll never get over it, you'll just learn to live through it". 

I cannot tell you the panic and fear 

that ran through my heart to hear those words.

Their father died 19 years ago and they've been 

watching their mother deal with her grief since that time. 

So, my question is.......what are your thoughts on this? 

Do we get over it or do we just learn to live through and WITH it??"

I so understand my friend's response!

Because I absolutely do not want to live in grief!

And I don't believe God intends for me -

or anyone else -

to do so indefinitely!

And, as I have shared before,

I am striving to choose joy each day!

But today, I needed this discussion!

Amazing how God does that!

Here are my thoughts.

I think we probably don't get over it, 

we probably do learn to live with it. 

But I believe that if we allow it, 

God restores joy! 

Sometimes the allowing comes easy, 

sometimes it takes gritting our teeth and saying,

"I WILL allow God to use this for my good and His glory! 

I WILL choose joy!" 

I'm in a teeth gritting stage right now. 

And to be honest, I don't FEEL very joyful. 

But in the midst of the teeth gritting,

in the midst of the intense sorrow,

in the midst of the losses,

there is assurance of His presence 

and His peace is carrying me through the storm. 

All storms pass. 

And return. 

They come and go. 

Happiness is fleeting. 
And so is intense grief.

But God, God is constant! 

His peace is always there for the taking! 

It's not a feeling, it's something deep inside that defies explanation. 

I just know it's there. 

And it brings joy in the midst of the sorrow.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

The Price of Love

I didn't go to church this morning.
My heart just hurts too much today.

I find myself thinking about the sorrow Jesus felt
in the days leading up to His betrayal and crucifixion.
As He knowingly faced the coming betrayals.
As He knowingly faced the coming torture.
As He knowingly faced the coming death.
His heart must have hurt immensely!
And still, He took the risk,
paid the Price of Love
that we would have the chance of a heavenly eternity.

I am facing the second anniversary of Al's death this week.
And soon the first of the death of my relationship with Harlan.
I am walking through those last days of both losses,
remembering watching them both,
knowing that despite my denial,
both were to soon be gone from me.
The sorrow was and is almost more than I can bear.
Because I love them both so deeply.
And yet, I would do it again,
risk my heart with them,
for the chance of earthly love and happiness!

But my love for them is so pale as to be non-existent
in comparison to our Saviour's love for us!
That just floors me!
To think that He loves and longs for us that much!

I often say that I never understood the depth of love
God has for us until I had children.
And now, I think that I finally have an understanding
of the sorrow He experiences when He loses one of us!

Oh, that I would never so grieve His heart!

Surely our griefs He Himself bore,

And our sorrows He carried;

Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,

Smitten of God and afflicted.

But He was pierced through for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,

And by His scourging we are healed.

All of us like sheep have gone astray,

Each of us has turned to his own way;

but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him.

                                                     ~~ Isaiah 53:4-6 NASV ~~

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Triggers

It's funny the things that trigger memories.
And how intense a minor thing becomes in retrospect.

I was having a text conversation this morning
and something said suddenly transported me back
to a telephone conversation.
The laughter, the warmth, the excitement.....

The tears....

So I made pancakes for breakfast.
Because that helps......

On a brighter note...

My snow is absolutely stunning this morning!
It did not get as warm as anticipated yesterday
so the snow is still everywhere
and each little blade of flora is still icy.
The temperature last night allowed everything to crystallize.
This morning, the sun is shining very brightly!
Glitter everywhere!

God is such an artist!!!
Thank You for the beauty, Lord!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Snow Experience

Ah, the joys of winter!

This morning, I left the house late.

Roads in my area were icy and I arranged to be late to work.

I didn't wait late enough.

Into the ditch I went.

Soundly.

I called for a tow truck.
Four to six hours.
Now, I admit to being a bit ticked off.
Not angry, but most definitely not happy.
But, only a couple blocks from home,
so I headed that direction.
Might as well wait where it's warm!

Picture it.

A middle-aged woman.

Heels and a skirt.

Stomping up the icy hill.

Yup. You guessed it.

Onto my keister 
and into a snowbank I went.

I laid there for a minute.
Looked around to see if anyone had seen.
Nope.
I sat up.
And I started laughing!
Balls of snow clinging to my hair.
My skirt revealing more than was proper.
My coat and gloves and shoes covered and filled with snow.
And I laughed til I cried.

I took my wrenched back and wet clothes

and limped my way home.

Climbed into a hot bath for a good long soak.

The car just got home and 
doesn't appear to be any the worse for wear.

My back and hip are sore as all get out 
but will be fine in a day or two.

And - silver lining - 
between yesterday's snow day,
and today's snow drift,
I have a four-day weekend!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Jesus-n-me taking on this week!

I wanted to skip it.
I didn't blog about it because I didn't want to acknowledge it.
But here it is.
Not being ignored.

Beginning yesterday, the coming three weeks 
are one day after another of very sad remembrances.
A year ago yesterday, I canceled my trip to France 
two hours before time to board the plane.
We had talked.
It had not gone well.

Wednesday will be the second anniversary
of my precious Al's death.
Then the funeral a few days later.

And so many other things in the coming days.
I covet your prayers as I slog through this mire of sorrow. 

And yet, I am still experiencing the presence of God!
His Holy Spirit surrounds and inhabits me in these days.
He has not relieved me of the grief.
I think it is part of who I am now.
But He has given me peace to walk the path
on which He has place me.
He has allowed me to place my hand in His
and even when my grip loosens,
His never does!
When I am falling,
He catches me, lifts me up!
When I cannot go on,
He carries me forward.

I admit it.
I pray daily still for a different ending.
But God has a plan.
It may be my known desire.
It may be the desire I don't even realize is there.
But whatever it is,
His plan is best.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Pretending

We are having a snow day!
More than a foot of snow fell on my yard overnight.
Now I love snow.
And I especially love being snowed in.
I've always thought it was romantic.
Lots of fun to play and cuddle like kids!

This morning, someone interested in me as more than friends,
has been flirting outrageously via text message.
So, here I am, 
snuggled in my blankie,
roaring fire in the fireplace,
hot chocolate in the mug,
pretending.

It's not fair to him,
even though he knows I'm not interested.
It's not the same as with, well, it's not the same.
It's not as good as reality.
But it will have to do.....

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Some of this, some of that....

Have you ever made a decision
based upon very, 
                          very, 
                                  very 
sound evidence
only to spend the rest of your life
 - so far - 
               "wondering if"
you made the right decision
and no way to know for sure?
I have.
It's  not fun!
Just sayin'!

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I had several unusual customers.

One was a lady whose car had broken down

and since she travels for her job,

she had to replace it.

She was highly stressed!

And discovering the cost of rental

did not help her stress!

She finally asked for a hug

and I obliged.

We visited a bit while she was taking a breath

to try to decide whether or not to rent.

And so, when I put her in the car a few minutes later

and she asked me to pray for her over the next few days,

I felt comfortable asking if I could pray for her right then.

I did and she asked if she could also pray for me.

Well, as you all know, I can certainly use some prayer!

So, of course, I agreed.

It was a very unusual experience!

 I do not speak in tongues.

I believe it is a gift of the Holy Spirit,

but unlike most who do speak in tongues,

I do not believe it is necessary.

Feel free to dispute if you like.

I have heard people pray in tongues 

when it made me uncomfortable.

I have also heard people pray in tongues 

and definitely felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.

She prayed in tongues.

I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.

What was unusual was this.

As she prayed in tongues,

she would follow with comments and prayer

about my life in English.

I had never laid eyes on this woman before!

She named specific things that only God and I know.

And since, I have felt increased peace.

Still no answers, but more peace.

Thank you my praying friend.

Thank You, Holy Spirit!

It has started snowing here.

Rain came first for a couple hours.

Now snow.

Looks like there's going to be lots!

As I was driving home this evening,

the snow sparkled in the headlight beams.

It was like driving into falling glitter.

Soooo pretty!

Sometimes I really love the kid in me!

I still get to experience wonder!

So many adults I know don't!

This last couple years has cost me a lot of magical wonder

and replaced it with a lot of "wonder if...".

It pleases me to see the occasional glimpse of the magical!

It let's me know it's still there!

Thank You, Lord! 

This is symphony week.

I love the symphony!

I will be attending with my friend Rick.

Have you ever watched the old show

"Murder She Wrote"?

Well Rick is to me 

what Seth is to Jessica.

A very dear, valued friend.

It's so nice to have male perspective!

And from a non-pig!

I told him the other day he had made the short list!

Yep, I actually made a list!

You know, men I know who aren't pigs.

It's a short list!

Now you know I'm kidding about thinking all men are pigs.

Sort of........

;-) 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~