I want to go home

Our air conditioning is out.
In our neck of the woods,
the temperatures are triple digit at this time of year.
No AC is not a good thing!

But we are very blessed!

We have options
other than simply being hot
for the two weeks it will take
for the part to arrive.
We have the "Country Estate",
the house I owned and lived in
before my Lanny Love and I married.
It has been rental property for a couple years.
Now, it is our business office.
An air mattress,
(surprisingly comfy!)
and a few things brought out,
and it's a cozy, temporary home away from home.

We are very blessed!

But I want to go home.
I have been increasingly unsettled
during the last several days.
Feelings of sadness and depression
have been creeping in.
The memories are all around me.
When I go to sleep,
they are there.
When I waken,
they are there.
Throughout the day,
they are there.
They invade my dreams.

Memories of illness and death.
Loss and sorrow.
Great loneliness.
Shame and guilt.
Confusion.
Betrayal.
Fearful memories -
and fears over the unknown ahead.

Tonight, I am taking these memories and fears out
and giving them a thorough examination
in the light of God's mercy and grace.
And I'm remembering some other memories
in the process.
Precious last days together.
Growing in faith and trust in God.
Learning who I was, not "we".
Falling in love.
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
Long, healing walks.
Good, wonderful memories!

I am very blessed!

Isn't that the way?
Everything has two sides,
every cloud a silver lining!
And God has used this house
to remind me,
once again,
that He is in control!
That His timing is impeccable!
That He is trustworthy and good!
That He has blessed me tremendously!

I am very blessed!

I have God!
I have my Lanny Love!
I don't want to go home!
For where they are,
I am home!

I am very blessed!

God is our protection and our strength.

He always helps i times of trouble.

So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes,

or the mountains fall into the sea,

even if the oceans roar and foam,

or the mountains shake at the raging sea...

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the amazing things He has done...

God says, "Be quiet and know that I am God."

                      ~~ Psalm 46:1-3, 8, 10 (NCV)

So I did a thing....

I want to share a deeply personal
event with you.

Today, Al's '75 Maverick
was hauled away
to be prepped for sale.
It was much more difficult
than I anticipated.

As I watched the tow company
load the vehicle
I unexpectedly began to cry.
And as they drove off,
I began to video it.
And sob.


I posted the video on Facebook
not realizing that my tears
could be heard on the recording
until a friend mentioned it.
I considered taking the post down.
But I didn't.
And here's why.

Grief over the loss of a mate
is different than any other kind of grief.
The only thing similar is grief
over the loss of a child.
I am in no way minimizing
the loss of other relationships!
I have lost
parents, grandparents, other relatives, and friends.
It is difficult.
But it is different.
Today's post is about spouse grief.

People don't understand.
I get that.
Neither did I.
Until I experienced it.
And sometimes,
it still takes me by surprise.
Like today.

You see,
when you lose a spouse,
everything changes.
Everything!
Every single moment
of every single day
of every single week
of every single month
of every single year
for the rest of your life
is different.

You know that feeling,
when you reach for the phone
to call your mom or your best friend
and realize you can't because they are dead.
That.
All. The. Time.
Every. Single. Moment.
When you get up in the morning,

they aren't there.

When you go to bed at night,

they aren't there.

When you eat your meals,

they aren't there.

When you have a success,

they aren't there.

When you have a failure,

they aren't there.

When you want to cry,

they aren't there.

When you have a funny joke,

they aren't there.

When it's time to mow the lawn,

they aren't there.

When it's time to pay the bills,

they aren't there.

When it's time to shop for a new car,

they aren't there.

When your kids do something great,

they aren't there.

When they do something awful,

they aren't there.

When your grandchildren graduate,
or when your first grandchild is born,
or when you get the dream job,
or get fired,
or....everything,

they aren't there.

Forever.

And people expect you to get "over" that.
But you don't.
Because they aren't there,
and they never will be again,
and that affects everything.
All your activities,

all your decisions,

all your life.

Someone once said to me
that their grief was worse than mine
because I could replace a husband
but they couldn't replace their relationship,
it was forever lost.
And there is some truth to that.
I can have another husband
and they can't have another person in their same relationship.
But their relationship,
though a lifetime one,
was not a daily one.
Their every, single moment was not altered.
And I cannot replace Al with another.
for no one else is Al.

I had people say to me that they were so glad
that I was over Al
when I started dating.
I was not "over" him.
But it was time.
It was time to begin living
not simply existing.
It was time to move forward -
not on.

And when I met my Lanny Love,
I fell quickly and deeply and completely
in love with him
and he with me.
Which simply meant that I loved two men
with my whole heart,
and he loved two women
with his whole heart.
And can I be really honest here?
It helped.
It really did.
But it didn't replace my love for Al
or his for Judy
any more than a second child
replaces the love you have for the first -
or for a deceased child.
Your heart simply expands.
I am very blessed by God
in my marriage.
Both of them.

As active grief
gave way to normal,
I began to have what grief experts call
"blindsides".
Those unexpected waves of intense loss and sorrow.
In the beginning,
those are every moment.
But as our psyche
begins to learn to cope,
those times come in waves,
less and less often
and shorter in duration
as time goes on.

Nearly seven years later,
that is what happened to me today.
A blindside.
A wave of intense grief
as I gave up another piece
of my beloved,
my Al.
And an intense gratitude
as my beloved,
my Lanny Love,
spoke words of comfort
and understanding.

Now this is not to say
that grief is forever raw anguish!
It softens, becomes bearable over time.
Because you learn to bear it.
Just like any other pain.
And you learn to live

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And you learn to thrive

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And if you are incredibly blessed,
you learn to love again

in spite of it -

and because of it.

But you do not get over it.

The point of this post is to shed light.
You see,
we all will face the loss of a spouse in some form.
Either we will lose our own spouse,
or someone to whom we are close
will lose theirs.
So I left my post up,
in spite of the deeply personal,
raw grief that it revealed
to all my friends and family.
And I post this because
people need to understand 
that grief is hard! 
That it softens, 
but doesn't end.
That there will forever be raw moments. 
That we move forward, 

we live again, 

love again, 

are happy, 

but we are forever changed. 

We don't move past grief,
we live through it.
We honor the memory of our loved one 
with our lives 
by learning to live in the midst
of the deepest of losses! 
People tend to think that
those who have lost a spouse
have forgotten, moved on
when they remarry.
You need to know we don't!
We still love,

still miss,

still grieve,

sometimes actively.

So give yourself,
your friends,
your moms and dads,
your sisters and brothers,
your co-workers,
whomever has lost a spouse,
some grace and mercy.
Grow with them as they grow
and change - for they will!
Don't expect that they will ever be the same again
or get "over" their loss - for they won't.

 "You have done many good things for me, Lord,

just as you promised."

                                                                          ~~ Psalm 119:65 ~~

Going Steady - July 3, 1971

Good Morning, Lord ~

I am sitting out on our front port
in the dim coolness that is early morning
thinking about You.

About Al.

About Lanny.

About my life.

Can it really be 48 years
since we started "going steady"?!?!
Is it okay that my heart hurts a little today,
that there is a yearning,
an emptiness within me?

You give such good gifts, Lord!
I listen and see the world you created wakening around me ~
the birds chirping,
the sky lightening,
the smell of our lily blooming.
I see the neighborhood begin to stir.
And I am reminded that life goes on.
And it is a  good life You have gifted me!
Forty-eight years ago, Al.
Four and a half years ago, Lanny.
And I am profoundly grateful!

But for a little while,
is it okay if my heart is heavy
and I grieve just a bit?

Keeping your eyes on the goal

All my life,
I have heard that the way to accomplish anything
is to set a goal
and keep your eyes on it
as you work toward it.

Am I alone in this?
That feels overwhelming to me!
Goals often seem so distant,
and in the hard times,
impossible to reach!

In the days of computerless
tractors and plows,
I have heard it said that
farmers picked a spot in the distance
and walked/drove toward it,
never taking their eyes off of it,
in order to plow the first furrow straight.
They were then able to follow
that first, straight furrow
for a perfect field.
For that initial row,
they kept their eyes on the goal.
But only for that first furrow.
After that,
they kept their eyes on the path they had created.
Had they continued to stare relentlessly
at the goal,
the field would have been unsymetrical indeed!

I have been a slacker over the winter.
And now I am having to work very hard
at getting back in shape
rather than the much easier maintenance
of already being in shape.

I do a run/walk each day.
As I go, I pick markers.
I begin running at this tree
and I slow to a walk at that one.
I run again at that bench,
and walk at the gazebo in the distance.
I have discovered something.
I have a much more difficult time,
become much more winded,
if I watch the marker in the distance
as I run.
I also discovered I am much more likely
to trip and fall.
And much less likely
to reach the goal at a run.

If, however,
I watch the ground at my feet,
with occasional glances up
at the goal in front of me,
I am surprised at how quickly I reach it,
am less winded when I get there,
and am often able to continue running
beyond the goal.
I have also discovered that
my initial distance or speed goals
for the day,
can be exceeded when
I keep my mind on the goal
and my eyes on the path.

I have particularly heard
"eyes on the goal"
in regards to my Christian walk.
"Keep your eyes on Heaven!"
And very often Philippians 3:14 was quoted:

I run toward the goal,

so I can win the prize of being called to heaven.

This is the prize God offers 

because of what Christ Jesus has done.

So I have spent my life running toward Heaven.

Can I be honest here?

When I was 14

and 21

and 30

and 40,

Heaven seemed very, very far away.

I would look toward that goal

as I had been taught,

and very often could not see it at all.

It made it very difficult to run toward it!

At 55 when I found myself alone in my race,

and my beloved had reached the goal,

it seemed simultaneously nearer

and desperately, endlessly far away.

Today, at 62,

it still seems distant,

but is, at last,
becoming more and more attainable
to my mind's eye.

As I ran this week,
I began to think about Philippians 3:14.
I began to wonder if we are chasing the wrong thing!
So I began to research this passage.

(My Lanny Love has ruined me! 

I no longer take "others" words as "gospel",

no longer look only at the surface of Scripture.

He has taught me that even when I am not "teaching"

I need to delve deeply into the Scripture

to find what the Holy Spirit is trying to teach me.

"Devotions" and "Bible study" are not the same thing!)

What I discovered is this.

Many translations,

especially word for word translations,

rather than thought for thought translations,

and most commentaries,

feel that the correct interpretation of that Scripture

is not with Heaven as the goal.

More accurately,

we should chase Christ that He would lead us to Heaven

through His death and resurrection.

So then, my goal is not the tree in the distance,

my goal is fitness, health, and long life.

The tree is just a marker,

one more easily reached if I am not staring into the distance.

Just the same, Heaven is not the goal in the distance,

the prize toward which we strain.

Christ is the goal.

And He is right there!

Heaven is just a marker that we have reached the goal -

Christ Jesus!

Under the shadow of His wings....

Yesterday, Lanny and I were out for a run
when we passed by a bird.
She was dead,
but was strangely positioned.
It was obvious she hadn't
fallen from the sky,
nor had she been killed by a preditor.
She was sitting
with her wings spread.
As we ran,
I couldn't get the picture of her
out of my mind.

I began to wonder
what brought her to death
in that particular position.
And an answer began to form in my mind.
I had to know!

So, on the way back,
I stopped by her body
and snapped a picture,
then moved her just a bit,
and sure enough,
underneath her,
was the body of a baby bird.

Like much of the country,
we have had a lot of storms recently,
including high winds, rain, and hail.
As I ran on,
I put together a likely scenario.
The wind blew her baby out of the nest
located in the tree above where she and her baby lay.
She, unable to get her little one back to the nest,
settled over it, wings spread, to protect it from the storm.
The little mother,
gave her life for her baby.

It made me think of our Savior.
While this little bird gave her life in vain,
He did not!
Just like she did,
He knew we were endangered,
and gave His life for our salvation!
Not only that,
He continues to shelter us from the storms of life!

Isn't that just the most amazing thing!

"He will cover you with His feathers.

He will shelter you with His wings.

His faithful promises

Are your armor and protection."

                       ~~ Psalm 91:4 ~~

 

A blog walk

I have been reading my blog the last several days.
I was looking for a specific post.
It's not here.
I must have either posted it
during my Caring Bridge days
or journaled it rather than blogging it.
At any rate, I didn't find it
and after several days of searching,
I am done.

However, over the last several days
I have reread every blog entry,
including drafts that were never posted.
Every. Single. One.
What a journey!

I started this blog about a year into my widowhood.
I had blogged on Caring Bridge
since the week of his diagnosis,
and continued to blog there after his death,
but my life was changing
and I began to want to blog about life and living
not just death and grief.
And so,
just over five years ago,
I created this blog.

As I have read through those days
of my early decision that,
despite the grief,
I wanted to live
not merely exist,
to learning to love again
to navigating a broken heart
to breaking a heart,
through dating
and remarriage,
and the changes and conflicting emotions
that brought,
I am amazed.
And Humbled.
What a metamorphosis!

How naive I was in those days.
Do you suppose I will look back
in five more years and think the same thing?
Very possibly.
Even likely.
I have seen some holes.
Periods of time where I didn't blog.
And I have remembered
what was happening in my life during those holes.
I have seen personal growth.
Seen patterns I hadn't noticed before.
I've seen some areas where I have failed,
areas that need continued improvement.
I have seen spiritual growth,
and faltering.

But most of all,
I have seen the Hand of God!
Ever present.
Ever kind.
Ever loving.
Ever compassionate.
Ever forgiving.
God.

In the midst of the deepest grief I have ever known.
In the midst of the greatest confusion I have ever experienced.
In the midst of the doubt.
The fear.
The lack of trust.
The lost hope.
The sadness.
God.

Author of renewed hope.
Author of growth.
Author of healing.
Author of love.
God.

Blessed be the Name of The Lord!

Loving Like God

My Lanny Love is on a highly restricted diet.
Like a good wife,
I have joined him.
He is feeling better
and losing weight
he most definitely does not need to lose.
I am feeling worse
and gaining weight
I most definitely do not need to gain!
I am also finding myself to be
increasingly weepy and moody.

Now, as I am a middle-aged woman,
you might have guessed that
I am at "that age"
where horomone producing organs
(and we're talking all of them here,
not just the reproductive organs)
stop doing their jobs.
Add to that the fact that
I had a total hysterectomy
a number of years ago
and you get weepy and moody.
And hot flashes.
LOTS of hot flashes.
Turns out his diet,
which cuts out many foods
with naturally occurring estrogen,
is not good for me.

Recently,
on day two of what had been
a weepy few days,
I did what turned out to be
a greatly unappreciated nice thing
and I got my little feeling hurt.
Which did not help my weepies!

Exactly what happened isn't important.
What is important is
that this is a long-term relationship
that has always been difficult
but which is very important to me.
One that I have prayed over
and worked at
for many years.

For the rest of the day,
I cried off and on.
I cried in  frustration...
                              disappointment...
                                                     grief...
                                                           anger...
                                                                   love...
I waffled back and forth between

"I'm done!"

and

"How can I fix this?"

Today I know only two things.

I'm not done.

I can't fix this. 

I've thought about my tears of the day.

All the emotions.

Only one is permanent.

I love this person!

I have for nearly 25 years.

In the good and the bad.

That is the consistency in our relationship.

I love this person like my child.

Like I love my daughters.

No matter what...

...Like God loves me.

In the good and the bad.

Like His child.

No matter what.

He has never given up on me!

Even when I have been

difficult...

unyielding...

ungrateful...

Even when I have been unlovable,

He has loved me.

We talk a lot as Christians

about loving as God loves.

And in the same breath

we talk about not taking "'crap' off anybody".

We talk about being offended.

We talk about our rights.

These are incongruous

with the love of God.

I confess,

I find this issue somewhat confusing.

Modern psychology says,

"Don't let others abuse you!"

And, as someone who has come

from an abusive childhood

and found it necessary to,

for a time,

cut ties with a close family member

and to limit contact when we reconnected

in order to prevent further abuse to myself and my children,

to that person with that life experience,

this philosophy makes perfect sense.

But then I read The Beatitudes

and the Sermon on the Mount

(Matthew 5)

"Blessed are the Merciful"

"Blessed are the Peacemakers"

"Blessed are the persecuted"

"Blessed are you when people insult you,

persecute you and falsely say all kinds

of evil against you because of me."

Aha!

My "out"!

But then...

"Because of me..."

This isn't "suffering for Jesus"

this is just suffering!

I read on.

"You have heard that the law of Moses says,

'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'

But I say, love your enemies!

Pray for those who persecute you!

In that way, you will be acting as true children

of your Father in Heaven.

For He gives His sunlight

to both the evil and the good,

and He sends rain on the just

and on the unjust, too.

If you love only those who love you,

what good is that?

Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.

If you are kind only to your friends,

how are you different from anyone else?

Even pagans do that.

But you are to be perfect,

even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

And I realize that continuing

rather than being "done"

IS, after all, "suffering for Jesus".
And, as God loves me
in my many imperfections,
so do I love this individual in theirs!

What I must decide is this.
Where does my acceptance of
"who they are"
become enabling this person
to be less than God wants them to be?
And where does "drawing the line"
become self-serving?

May God's Spirit
grant me wisdom and discernment,
mercy and grace,
and an abundance of His Love!

Poppycock!!!

This is a bit of a rant!

I hear it a lot.
About all kinds of days.
I hear it about birthdays.
I hear it about anniversaries.
I heard it again last night.
"Oh we don't celebrate Valentine's Day.
He loves me well every day of the year."
I say poppycock!!!

Don't get me wrong!
We should love well
every single day!
But every once in a while
we should go above and beyond.
We should make our husbands or wives
feel extra special,
extra appreciated.
And our culture has provided us
with a few "public" days to do that.

Can I tell you a secret?
Except I don't think it's really a secret.
I think everyone -
men and women alike -
know this without being told.
But we don't say it out loud,
we just feel it in our hearts.
Women - and men I think - who say what my friend said last night...
don't mean it!
They really wish their spouses
would make them feel extra special
on those extra special days.
And really, they're embarrassed -
and hurt -
that their spouses don't care enough
to go to the extra effort
just a few days out of the year
to make them feel extra cherished.
Because that's how it feels.

Can I tell you something else?
Those of us whose spouses
go to that extra effort
feel a bit sorry for them.
And no one wants their friends
to pity them.
Especially because of their spouse.

Men, it doesn't take a lot!
It just takes remembering,
a little extra doing or saying -
"I'm glad you're my Valentine!"
"I'm glad you were born!"
"I'm so glad you chose me to be yours!"
Maybe dinner out.
Maybe a card.
Maybe write a corny poem.
Take her in your arms and slow dance -
even for just a minute..
These little things
make us feel wonderful,
even giddy.
And they make us feel very, very loved
and very, very special.
Just a little effort goes a long way!

And a bit of not doing or saying.  
Never, ever, ever say things like -
"This is a stupid day!"
"Just another day for retailers to soak me!"
"I love you every day, I shouldn't need to remind you."

And ladies, don't you get sloppy either!
He may say it's silly, unnecessary
but really, he wants you to
make him feel special too!
Bake him a birthday cake!
Make a romantic, candle lit dinner.
Fix your hair that way he especially likes it.
Tell him how very much you appreciate him
and all he does for you!
Make him feel respected, admired, needed!
It makes him feel very fortunate to have you!
Just a little effort goes a long way!

So, get on the stick!
And have a happy Valentine's Day!

Year of Jubilee

To be sure,
I am loosely translating this
to my life!
The Year of Jubilee
in the Jewish faith and tradition,

(Our LORD was Jewish

and while many of the customs of the Jewish faith

are null and void

with the death and resurrection

of our Saviour,

we can still learn and profit

from them!) 

the Year of Jubilee

is a year of restoration, forgiveness, and freedom.

Technically,

the Year of Jubilee occurred on the year following

the lapse of the seventh Sabbath of years.

So the Year of Jubilee is the 50th year. 

However, many consider it to occur

every seventh year.

In the United States

every seventh year,

bad credit falls off your report.

Many crimes have a seven year

statute of limitations.

In Jewish tradition,

the Year of Jubilee

meant the forgiveness of debt,

return of property,

freedom for slaves. 

Think about that for just a second!

Life changing freedom!

From that point forward,

no more slavery to the past.

Nothing will be as it was!

Never the same again!

This evening,

I will enter into the seventh year.

Today is the sixth anniversary.

At 4:59 p.m.,

I will begin the seventh year without my Al.

Yesterday morning,

while laying in bed,

talking to the LORD,

I was very suddenly impressed that

I was entering my Year of Jubilee! 

As I considered what that might mean,

I began to think about my grief journey.

The days when the pain of loss was physical,

when I thought I might literally be dying.

The days when I couldn't move,

couldn't think,

couldn't eat.

The confusion.

The tears.

Then came the days of desperation.

Anything to make it stop.

The frenzy of activity.

Running away from home.

Dating too soon.

Laughing too loud.

Forcing myself to move forward.

Then the days of stillness,

waiting on the LORD.

The quiet.

The solitude.

Choosing joy over happiness.

Moving at God's pace,

not mine,

not Al's.

Softening grief.

Beginning to see beauty again.

Genuine laughter.

Then my Lanny Love.

Restoration.

Happiness.

Love.

The return of the music.

And a different kind of sorrow.

The fifth year,

the one leading up to the fifth anniversary,

when the grief unexpectedly

consumed me again,

threatened my happiness,

hovered over everything

like a dark shadow.

Always,

over it all,

the constant knowledge.

He is gone!

Then last year,

the sixth one.

Softening once again.

The assurance that it was not just

okay

for me to be happy,

it was right under God!

The lessening,

then cessation,

of daily, actively missing him,

missing his presence.

The lessening,

and just recently,

the cessation

of feeling guilty for loving my Lanny Love,

for being happy -

not just happy,

but happily, joyously, lovingly married happy -

the end of jealousy on his behalf.

The end of the constant shadow,

the constant awareness that

he is gone.

Then yesterday morning,

the LORD's whisper -

"Your Year of Jubilee is about to begin!" 

Today,

as I remember Al

on this sixth anniversary 

of his Homegoing,

I think of a phrase about Heaven

that someone mentioned recently,

"We are homesick for a place we have never been" 

and I rejoice that Al is not homesick,

he is Home! 

Today,

on this sixth anniversary,

I feel a lightness,

a happiness,

a freedom

that I have not experienced before,

and,

as I have suspected for for a little while,

I believe I am no longer grieving.

Love has not ended.

I love him still!

There are those days when he should be here

and I miss him.

There are those moments I remember a specific thing

and I miss him.

But the constant awareness,

the sorrow,

the grief,

that has left me.

Now I remember and smile.

In gratitude that he was mine for those years.

In love.

My Year of Jubilee.

Freedom from slavery to grief.

Nothing will every be the same again. 

Thank You, LORD!

 

 

What is this?

I have been quiet.
For some time I have been pondering
what I want from my blog.

Is it simply a way to process my life,

a public journal?

It is definitely that.

Is it a way to express myself creatively,
something I crave?
Yes.

Is it a forum for widows,

remarried or not,

and how life is different now than then,

a way to encourage,

help them know they are not alone

in what they feel and experience?

Uh-huh.

Is it a place to celebrate

my happiness,

bemoan my irritations?

To a degree.

Is it a place to brag on

my "practically-perfect-in-every-way"

husband, children, and grandchildren?

Any forum is appropriate for that!

Is it a potential way to

make some money?

Possibly. 

Is it a way of witnessing

to the faithfulness and grace

of a loving God, a merciful Saviour?

Absolutely.

What is it ultimately?

I think I want it to be all of those things.

But, you see,

in order to be any of those things

it - no, I -

must must take risk,

be completely open.

Vulnerable in a way that,

frankly,

makes me quite uncomfortable.

I must be willing to say in public

those unspeakable things

I think in private.

I must be willing to share

my emotions and feelings

regardless of what "they" will think,

those things which are unshareable.

Otherwise, this is just another social page.

And that I know

I do not want!

It is something I feel
spiritually compelled to do,
this risky, open, vulnerability.
So, here I go.

Vulnerable.

Open.

Risking.

Hang on for the ride!