Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Camaros and other fantasies

I want a Camaro. A lot. Almost obsessively. For a completely ridiculous - and deeply personal - reason. Had made the decision to purchase one in the next few months. I wanted a black one but had decided that the Texas Panhandle is just too hot for a black car. So I decided on the limited edition Magenta. Convertible. Girly but still sporty.

Then yesterday I test drove one.


It was like crawling into a coffin and closing the lid on myself! That car, sexy and sleek on the outside, is dark and close on the inside! The windows - even the windshield - are tiny! The blind spots are, well, everywhere!!! Once I closed the door, I could no longer see the outside world except for a little, bitty sliver! It was not comfortable. Did not have the power I anticipated (I wouldn't have gotten in near as much trouble with a Camaro as I thought...). And I could not wait to get out of it!

Turns out the car I thought I so desperately wanted, was not what I wanted at all!

Today, I was idly thinking about something else that I want. Even more than I wanted that Camaro. Far, far more. And suddenly I could picture getting it. And my tummy flipped, my heart rate increased, my breathing became more shallow. It was just a brief moment of intense excitement that passed in just a couple seconds, but left me smiling for a bit.

Then I thought about the Camaro. And I couldn't help but wonder. If this other thing I so want would be as I picture it if God allowed me to have it or would it be a disappointment.

It happens. From something as small as craving a particular food and finding it doesn't satisfy to a different car or job or home or whatever. We think we want something only to discover it wasn't really what we wanted after all. 

Something to ponder........

Saturday, October 25, 2014

On the verge.......

Have you ever been on the verge of something big?

Something you knew would change your life?

And you couldn't identify it?

Couldn't quite put your finger on it?

I'm there.

The last couple weeks have not been "it".

I thought it might be.

Lots of "new" so it made sense.

But it's not.

It's getting close though!

I can feel it!

This morning, there is desperation almost.

Like I MUST get it!


And I'm listening hard to try to hear what God is trying to show me.

Good morning, Daddy God.

My mind - no, my spirit - is...struggling, straining to hear You!
I can feel that You are trying to show me something,
teach me something.
But I can't quite get it.

It feels big!
Like I MUST hear it!
HAVE to learn it!
But it's just not there...

I'm listening, Daddy God!
Help me to discern Your voice
from that of the enemy or my own desires.
Show me where to find it!
Guide my reading, my thoughts!
Speak to me!
I want to hear!
I want to obey!

Make me willing where I am not!

Friday, October 24, 2014

Crazy Cat Lady


I'm a crazy cat lady.

I love my kitty, Gabe!

He is a rescue kitty. I've had him almost a year now. I don't really know how old he is but, based on the vet's estimates when he went for his initial check-up and shots when I found him, have decided that his birthday is October 24th. So happy first birthday, Gabe-a-roo!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Spicy Ketchup

Someone I know makes fabulous spicy ketchup! And I love spicy ketchup! I have a bottle that was made just for me because I loved it so much! And it's almost gone. And since I am no longer in touch with the chef, it will be the last of this wonderful treat when it is gone.

I have the recipe. I could make it myself. But much of what makes this bottle special is knowing it was made just for me. Just because I liked it. And I miss being special to someone.

A lot!

I am heading into what is likely to be a difficult season. In just under two weeks it will be the second anniversary of the day my Al was released from treatment and referred to hospice for the last time. Two weeks from tomorrow is his birthday - the absolute hardest "first" of my first year of widowhood. There are many other things that will be hard memories over the next few months. Some seconds with Al. Some firsts with another heartache. Lots of hard.

So, as the ketchup bottle slowly drains, I am reminded that while this bottle will soon be empty, I do have the recipe. I can choose to make another batch. It won't be the same. It may taste somewhat different and I'll have to make it myself. But I can still enjoy spicy ketchup!

Much like life. 

My life is different now. It will not ever be the same. but I can - and do - choose to make another life. It will be different. It is different. But different isn't bad, it's just different! And I enjoyed that other life. A lot! And I miss it. A lot! But, my new life is going to be wonderful!

I just have to let it be!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Noah and Jesus

Noah and the ark.

A story Christian kids grow up hearing.

I was no exception.

I was weaned on Bible stories.

But today, I heard it for the first time!


Finally, the day came when the Lord said to Noah,
"Go into the boat with all your family,
for among all the people of the earth,
I consider you alone to be righteous."
                                      ~~ Genesis 7:1 NLT [Emphasis Added] ~~

Did you catch that?

Only Noah was found righteous!

Not his family -

 - they rode the ark on Noah's coattails!

Only Noah!

One man!

And God saved him and his family!

Flash forward!

Jesus Christ!

He paid the price for all of us!

But He would have paid the price for only one!

For just you!

For just me!

And we get to ride His coattails into eternity.

Just by climbing aboard.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Symphony and self-pity

I went to the symphony unaccompanied last night.

First time ever.

I was already feeling a little sorry for myself.

 Then, first up was "Flowers of Our Lost Romance" from "Coast of Dreams".

A beautiful piece.
Self-pity increasing.

And I allowed it to spoil the rest of the evening.

With full-blown feeling sorry for myself.

Despite all the wonderful things that have happened to me in the last couple weeks.

Did you catch that?

I ALLOWED it to spoil the rest of the evening.

I could have CHOSEN to appreciate the wonderful music.

Instead, I


To be miserable.

How foolish!

Misery is never a good choice!

Yes. I was unaccompanied.

But I was not alone!

My closest female friend was right there!

I was surrounded by ethereal sounds!

And I missed the fullness of the evening!

There will never be another chance to appreciate that experience.

And I missed it!

Because I CHOSE to do so.

And I LET it carry me through much of my day today.

The Bible warns against self-pity!

It directs us to give thanks in all circumstances.

Can't feel sorry for yourself when doing so.

I think that may be one of the reasons God gave that directive.

So, this afternoon, I cleaned house.

I made myself a lovely dinner.

I thanked God for all the blessings He has bestowed!

And I feel much more content this evening.

Go figure.......

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Coyote's Song

The coyotes were singing this morning as I was having my time with The Lord in the dark stillness of the early morning. They were in close and I could clearly hear their music.

The coyote's song is such a longing, lonely sound. Yet it is so peaceful. It came to me that it was the perfect sound for thankfulness in adversity. 

That led me to the Book of Joel. Darkness and mourning followed by restoration and joy. What an awesome promise!

That is why the Lord says, "Turn to me now, while there is time!
Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don't tear your clothing in your grief; instead, tear your hearts."
Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful.
He is not easily angered.
He is filled with kindness and is eager not to punish you...

...Then the Lord will pity His people and be indignant for the honor of His land!
He will reply, "Look! I am sending you grain and wine and olive oil,
enough to satisfy your needs...
...Surely the Lord has done great things! Don't be afraid my people!
Be glad now and rejoice because the Lord has done great things!...
...Rejoice, you people...
...Rejoice in the Lord your God!
For the rains He sends are an expression of His grace...
...The Lord says,
"I will give you back what you lost to the stripping locusts, the cutting locusts,
the swarming locusts, and the hopping locusts.
It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.
Once again you will have all the food you want
and you will praise the Lord your God who does these miracles for you.
Never again will you be disgraced like this.
Then you will know that...I alone am the Lord your God...

Then after I have poured out my rains again,
I will pour out my Spirit upon all people...
In those days, I will pour out my Spirit even on servants, men and women alike...
...And anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

 ~~  Joel 2:12-13, 18-19, 20-21, 23, 25-29, 32 NLT ~~

The Book of Joel was written to the Israeli people about their lackadaisical attitude toward God. Joel was warning them of the ramifications of disobedience and ignoring their Creator, the God of the Universe.

But he was also telling them of the great blessings that were theirs if they would repent and serve God with all they had - marvelous blessings, physically and spiritually! Restoration!
What a marvelous look into the heart of God! He is EAGER not to punish us! He is EAGER to bring us restoration of all that has been lost to us!

What brings us to God? Well, for most of us, adversity! We turn to Him when their is nowhere else to turn.

I can personally testify that I am closer to God than I have ever been. That is because I have spent so much time in the last three years, particularly the last two, crying out to Him, seeking Him, because of one heartache or another.

I look back on the events of my life and know that the things He has allowed, even sent - the "stripping locusts, the cutting locusts, the swarming locusts, and the hopping locusts" - because they would lead me to closer relationship with Him. He knew that my half-hearted efforts were not enough to provide me with the great blessings He had for me!

And so, I thank Him for all of it! Thankfulness in adversity. 

More lovely than the coyote's song.

Monday, October 13, 2014

My daughter is proud of me

I took a risk.

Did something out of the ordinary.

Did the best thing, not the easiest.

Yep, I chose the path of most resistance.

In my life already filled with resistance.

I once said to someone,

"Why be ordinary?

There are so many other options!"

I chose not to be ordinary then.

I chose not to be ordinary now.

And my daughter told me today she was proud of me.

I'm proud of me too.

Friday, October 10, 2014

One is the lonliest number.......

It has been a busy and exciting week!

However, as I wait at Gate 11 to board my flight home, I find myself a little melancholy.

I have watched and listened as others have texted and called their significant others this week.

And I have been jealous.

I have caught myself reaching for my phone to share something
or to check for incoming, missed texts and calls. 

Only to realize their wouldn't be any.

As I have journeyed these last couple of years, I have been lonely more often than not.

It's not that I don't have anyone in my life.

I have wonderful children.

Amazing grandchildren.

Fabulous friends.

But that special someone is missing.

And it is lonely.

"...And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
~~ Matthew 28:20 NLT ~~

I rest comforted in the arms of God through the Holy Spirit because of Jesus. Blessed be the name of The Lord!  

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


The human brain is a sponge! It can only absorb so much information before it goes into overload and refuses to retain one iota of additional information!

My brain has reached overload!

Now past experience has taught me that overload is not necessarily a bad thing! No! For it stretches those cells that have been sitting in dormancy for a while. Wakes them up. Makes them work. Keeps them exercised.

Yes, overload can be a good thing!

On the other hand... knew their would be an "other hand", didn't you?

On the other hand,

once saturation has been reached, 
no amount of coaxing can force more information to retain itself 
until our brain has




Not only can it not take on new information,
it struggles to utilize much of the old information

Our spirits are much like that!

We live in a world of busyness!

Constant busyness!

Incessant busyness!

Until our spirits
just can't take anymore.

We become depressed.





                                                                                                   Just generally miserable.

And we can't figure out why.

So we take pills.

                            Get therapy.                       

Read self-help books.                                        

Become even busier trying to "fix" the problem.                                                                        

God did not intend for us to live in this state!

In the Creation account in the Bible, God rested after His work.

He took an ENTIRE day off!

God! Took! A! Day! OFF!!!!

He sat back and looked at His handiwork.

And rested.


Not only that, every single day, in the cool of the evening, he walked and fellowshipped with Adam and Eve.

Down time.

Communication with His loved ones.


Every! Single! Day!


If God Himself deemed it necessary to rest, rejuvenate, renew,
then it's barely possible He intended for us to do the same.

The last several months I have learned a lot about rejuvenation. In mind, body, and spirit.

Over the last several days,
in the busyness of establishing my new normal,
I have been in danger of forgetting what God has taught me.

I have a few more days of excessive busyness 
to get everything established, flowing, settled, learned.

But during those days, I will be careful to make time to rest.

And to commune with God.

Because I love Him.

And He loves me.

And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy,
because it was the day when He rested from his work of creation.
~~ Genesis 2:3 NLT ~~

Six days a week are set apart for your daily duties and regular work,
but the seventh day is a day of rest
dedicated to the Lord your God.
On that day, no one in your household may do any kind of work
~~ Exodus 20:9-10 NLT ~~ 

Work for six days, and rest on the seventh.
This will give your ox and your donkey a chance to rest.
It will also allow the people of your household,
including your slaves and visitors,
to be refreshed.
 ~~ Exodus 23:12 NLT ~~

May you take time to rest from your labors, your busyness. 
                                 Revel in the quiet. 
                                                           Commune with your loved ones. 
                                                                                                  Commune with God.

It's important! 

Monday, October 6, 2014


I am fond of saying that change - even when it is good change - is difficult.

Because it's different.



Like new jeans that haven't stretched or been washed -
they are stiff and just a bit too tight.

But they're new.

And that's good.

They just need some wearing to become comfy.

And that's true of anything new in our lives.







If it's new - different - it takes getting used to to really feel good.

Even when it is a dream-come-true!

We crave normalcy.

And when we don't have it, we are a little bit lost.

Even when the old normal isn't better, just familiar.

And the more change one has experienced, the harder it is to adjust to the new normal.

And that's okay.

Adjustment is part of life.

And life is for living not just existing in the familiar!


Hello new normal.


Sunday, October 5, 2014


I am traveling by air this week. And it has made me unexpectedly melancholy.

The last two times I was scheduled to fly were attached to someone I love but who is no longer in my life. Someone who has finally given up. So it is truly over.

I found myself tearing up as the plane took off. Found myself looking for him in the passengers, at the airport - even though their would be absolutely no reason for him to be on my plane or at my destination. Found myself wishing it were different.

And I didn't expect such a reaction. Or any reaction for that matter.

I have been continually surprised by how he touched every aspect of my life. Oddly so.

No big revelation or deep thoughts, just pondering here....

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Winning the Lottery

Winning the lottery is a life changing event! You would think for the better. But that is often not the case.

Statistically, the less you have when you win, the less likely the changes will be positive. And of course, the more you have to begin with, the less change there is at all.

Why is that?

Well, think about it. 
If you are already a millionaire and you win the lottery, 
you have more millions.
But your lifestyle doesn't really change. 

Your existing, trusted accountant helps you 
make sound investments of the new millions, 
joining the old millions in growth. 

The notoriety may briefly bring a flurry of additional requests for gifts and loans,
but the wealthy are already accustomed to discerning the truth of need -
and in recognizing sob stories designed to lighten their pocketbooks.

Very little - if anything - changes.

However, the person who struggles to make ends meet is a different story.
That person's life changes overnight! 

She no longer lives paycheck to paycheck.

He no longer wonders if he will have enough to pay the electric bill.

They no longer feel the need to keep the house cold in the winter 
and hot in the summer.

She no longer has to hope for enough gas
to get to and from work until payday.

He no longer has to tell the kids "no" to anything but absolute necessities.

They no longer have to live in a rental or less of a house than they would like.

In an instant, everything changes!

Many lottery winners quit their jobs.
They buy a brand new house.
They buy a brand new car.
Suddenly they are receiving credit offers.
Suddenly they have lots and lots of friends and family who love them endlessly.
The opportunities seem endless.

Unfortunately, the opportunities often do come to an abrupt end. 

About 70% of people who suddenly come into a large amount of money are worse off in one to five years than they were before the windfall. They spend and "lend" foolishly and lose not only what they won, but have used the sudden influx of credit offers so they are deeply in debt as well.

It is not a pretty picture.

So, how does one avoid lottery poverty?


Choosing to seek and listen to wise council.

Choosing to continue to work.

Choosing to continue to live within a budget.

Choosing to not touch principle.

Choosing to spend your windfall wisely.

And that is the way with all windfalls,
all change.

Choice makes the difference.

It is not easy to choose to spend wisely. 

But it is far more rewarding!

So how have you
to spend the windfalls of your life? 










Even the bad windfalls' outcomes have a lot to do with how we
to handle them.


A break-up

A lost job


Not getting our way

Loss of any kind

I pray your choices are wise! I pray mine are too!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


I remember dates. I sometimes wish I didn't.

You know what I mean. 



                                                                                    Salvation Dates

Those are fun.

But I also remember the sad dates. You know,


                                                                                                 Hospice was called


Those are not fun.

And then there are those others. You know, the "firsts":


Phone call


Sometimes those are fun. Sometimes they are sad. Depends on the outcome.

Today is a date I remember. It is one of those last kind. It could have been a happy, fun date. But the outcome has altered it and so it is a hard date.

One that would be best forgotten.

But I remember.

The last couple weeks have been full of such dates. And I have been struggling.

And praying.

And searching God's Word.

And here is where He has led me.

"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord.
"And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts higher than your thoughts."

                                                           ~~ Isaiah 55:8-9 NLT ~~

Wow! He is so far above us!!! We cry out for understanding of life's circumstances, hurts, disappointments, losses, but




Because He is so far above us!

We can only trust and obey, seek Him - not our own understanding!

Nonetheless, He provided me with a tiny bit of understanding and wisdom this morning!

Keep on asking and you will be given what you ask for.
Keep on looking and you will find.
Keep on knocking and the door will be opened.
For everyone who asks receives.
Everyone who seeks finds.
And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.
You parents -
If your children ask for a loaf of bread,
do you give them a stone instead?
Or if they ask for a fish,
do you give them a snake?
Of course not!
If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him."

                                     ~~ Matthew 7:7-11 NLT ~~

Wait just a minute here!

I asked!

No, I begged!


I asked for a loaf of bread and got a heart as heavy as a stone!

What's up???

And God answered!

What I think I want and what I actually want are not always the same thing!

Is it possible?

Could it be?

Have I not received because I have not yet asked for what I want?

Maybe, just maybe, the loving, merciful God who knows my heart better than I, who knows my future, knows I don't really want what I beg for, that it would be hurtful to me and to His Kingdom!

Maybe, just maybe, I have attached myself, my heart, to a mere shadow of what I want, what He has for me.

Or maybe, just maybe, I have been so centered on what I want that I have failed to "seek first His Kingdom and all these things will be given to you." Matthew 6:33.

Teach me, Daddy God, to seek You, Your Kingdom, Your Will first. Teach me to search my heart as You search it. Teach me to know the true desire of my heart, not just the surface wants. Give me my heart's true desire as only You know it! Maybe it's what I think. Maybe it isn't. You know!

Thank you, Daddy God, for speaking this morning! Thank You for Your patience with me!