I used to thrive on it.
Or at least I adjusted to it quickly.
Not any more.
It probably began in my heart as a child.
That longing for constancy, resistance to change.
But it didn't become a front and center thing
until after Al's diagnosis and death (ADD).
Now I hate it!
Most of the time even when it's something I want,
I need time to adjust.
For example, I knew very quickly
I wanted to marry Lanny,
but if he had asked at the point I knew -
or even at the point he knew a little later -
I would have panicked and probably answered in the negative,
even though I knew he was the one.
I needed time.
And so did he.
And we thankfully gave that to each other.
But when it is something I am choosing out of need or necessity
rather than desire -
or not choosing at all but having thrust upon me...
oy vey!!!!!
Now, I've always known this
but recently, I've been reminded that
my reactions and,
to some degree,
even my emotions
surrounding change
are my choice!
Don't get me wrong!
There is that initial reflex influx of emotion,
those immediate "feelings" that come
with anything that happens in our lives.
We can't control those
anymore than we can control
becoming out of breath
from a long run or climbing several flights of stairs.
Or can we?
I exercise regularly.
I have a family history of health issues
that make exercise and staying fit a big advantage.
But to be honest,
I don't exercise as regularly or fervently
in the summer.
It's HOT where I live
and I do not glisten,
I SWEAT!!!!!
I'm not talking a little underarm perspiration and brow moisture,
I'm talking rivulets running down my entire body and limbs,
dripping hair and clothing.
Nice picture, I know.
Despite the fact that I pack a water bladder,
in triple digit temps and dry conditions,
it is easy to become dangerously dehydrated.
I'm not a morning runner so
before the heat is not a consistently viable option for me.
I just won't do it in the long-term and I know this.
Therefore, in the spring and early summer,
I can do my five miles and still breath and talk.
In the fall, I cannot.
It's training.
And training or not,
and the subsequent benefits or consequences,
is my choice.
I am coming to realize,
okay, I've known this for a LOOOOOOONG time,
that emotions are the same.
I have to train to keep them under control.
I have a friend who used to say,
"Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are"
and I used to embrace that.
But sometimes our "feelings",
the emotions surrounding events,
circumstances,
relationships,
and a plethora of other "feelings",
do have a measure of "right" or "wrong".
This is where training comes in.
It is finally beginning to cool down a bit here.
I will begin retraining for my five mile a day run this week.
I don't like the training period,
but it is necessary and,
in the long run,
so very beneficial to every aspect of my life.
Time to start retraining some emotions...
