Friday, January 28, 2022

Nine years.....

Nine years.

Nine full years.

Nine infinitely long years.

Nine of the fastest years of my life.

Nine years since my Al went Home.

 

As I complete this ninth year as Al’s widow,

I can’t help but think of how different it was from the eight before it –

and how different it is from those to come.

Each is different.

Each is the same.

 

My grief has settled into its lifetime state I think.

Most of my days are filled with laughter and joy.

They are filled with what has become normal.

A different normal,

no longer new normal,

simply normal.

 

In the beginning, there was only

anguish,

confusion,

loneliness,

loss,

poor choices,

forgetfulness,

grief…

Then came the quiet stillness, just me and God…

Then fearful obedience to His guidance…

A few pigs, a few frogs, a couple friends, then my Lanny Love.

 

As I look back, I marvel!

At God and His handiwork!

No doubt, those of you who have walked with me marvel as well!

 

But I am still my Al’s widow.

And today is still hard.

I still miss him.

I still love him.

This fact does not negate what I have.

And what I have does not negate this fact.

 

I have learned some things in this journey.

I have been refined.

It has been the hard way!!!

But it has been God’s way!

 

Some of the things I have learned about widowed grief:

 

❤The “firsts” don’t end with the first year.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild took a February bride.

It is hard to think that he did not even know

our precious new granddaughter.

He would have loved her!

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

we found out our first great-grandchild would arrive this coming April

that he would be a boy.

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild realized a lifelong dream,

graduating from the Police Academy

and becoming a first responder hero.

I can see him in my mind,

beaming with pride!

My Al was not here to celebrate this great dream realization with him –

or with me.

 

Each year has had a first.

I imagine each coming year will as well -

I know that, in 2 ½ months,

there will be a “first” in this tenth year when

he will not be here to hold sweet baby Grayson

in his giant arms.

He adored his grandchildren!

Now I – and they - can only imagine how excited he would be.

He will not be here to celebrate with them,

                                or with me.

Each "first" squeezes my heart with longing.

Sometimes it is painful.

 

I have learned you can’t prepare.

 

I foolishly thought I could prepare for hard days.

But sometimes the ones I think will be hard aren’t

and sometimes the ones I don’t see coming

knock me on my face.

 

I have learned that January will probably always be hard

along with his birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Days.

But January 28th might not be.

Or it might be excruciating.

And I can’t know which way it will go until I get there.

So might any given Tuesday.

           For no reason at all.

 

I have learned so many things through widowhood -

it would take a book to list them all!

Some of them are hard, sad things.

Things I would never have guessed.

Some thrill me to no end.

 

But the greatest thing I have learned through widowhood is this:

 

God is faithful!

God is loving!

God is kind!

God knows what is best for me!

God knows what He is doing!

 

Given His knowledge and foresight

would I have allowed my life to play out as it has?

No, very likely, a resounding no!

I would have avoided the pain - all the pain!

Given my own hindsight

am I glad He is in control

and has guided my life as He has?

Without doubt!

It is good we don’t know what is coming for the most part

not just because we couldn't bear to know of the coming pain,

but because if we changed it,

while we would miss the pain,

            we would also miss the refinement,

                        the growth,

                                    and a lot of the joys

that result from the pain as well -

if we let God work.

 

Today, I miss my Al deeply.

I long to see him,

talk with him,

hold his hand,

kiss his face,

hear him sing,

        see his pride in the great young men

                                                      our grandsons have become,

see him adoring our granddaughter,

loving our new granddaughter,

            loving me…

 

Today, I long to pick up his tea bag off the counter

and put it in the trash,

would give anything to be annoyed by…

…whatever indiscretion that foolishly bothered me back then.

 

Today, I wish it had not taken death to realize

the folly of my annoyance.

 

                  Today, I will remember…

                                                              so much…..

 

And today, I will give myself grace,

I will allow the longing and sorrow that means

I have been blessed with a great, unending love

for the man who was my husband for 37 years.

I will sit at his gravesite

and talk with him,

likely shed some tears.

And I will not feel guilty.

Because I have learned

that there is no guilt in true love!

 

As I walk into this tenth year,

I anticipate it will be different.

Because each one is.

There will be some hard days.

Because there always are.

And there will be an abundance of happy days.

Because in the last several,

there always have been.

 

I will continue to learn about widowhood

and grief

and life.

I will continue to learn about

the sovereignty of God.

 

Praise Him forever and forever!

 

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows

~~ Isaiah 53:4 ~~

 

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~~Isaiah 41:10 ~~

 

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.

~~ Zephaniah 3:17 ~~

 

He will swallow up death forever,

and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.

~~ Isaiah 25:8 ~~

 


 

Saturday, January 15, 2022

So much on my mind...

Wow!
 
I have had so much on my mind lately!
And because my mind works like a pin ball machine
I have had trouble getting it all down!
But there are several blogs in the works
that just need a little tweaking
so, after this long dry spell,
expect a flurry of posts soon.
 
Meanwhile, our little Love Nest has been hectic!
We purchased and remodeled a new home,
sold our first "our" home,
and moved in the last several weeks.
Thanksgiving, anniversary, birthdays, Christmas, more birthdays, New Year's -
Oy vey!
 
Anyway, my thoughts are never far from you, my readers,
nor the blogs that burn within me to be written. 
As this new year begins
and as I adjust to all the changes in my life -
have I mentioned I don't do change very well any more? -
and as I process this difficult month,
my mind has turned again to the grief journey.
 
Grief is so complicated!
Confusing!
Rollercoaster-y!
 
Unfortunately, Christians, are often hard on the grief-stricken.
We take 1 Thessalonians 4:13 and use it to beat ourselves and each other!
 
And now, dear brothers and sisters, 
we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died
so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

We take that last line and shorten it to
"so you will not grieve."
Period.
And then when we or our brothers and sisters in Christ
lose someone dear to us and grieve...
we beat each other up with this Scripture.
I have beat myself up a lot, especially this last year!
How tragic!
 
Recently, as my Lanny Love and I were talking
about a family we know who, it appears, are about to lose a child.
I commented that I was unsure if they were as strong as they seem
or if, because they are Christians,
they feel obligated to present that way in public.
As so many Christians do.
We have to finish that verse and take in the surrounding verses with it!
 
You see, we don't grieve as those without Christ grieve,
those who have no hope of eternity,
of seeing their loved ones in Heaven.
We do grieve differently because we do know that
one eternal day we will see them again.
So spiritually we do not grieve as the world grieves
and that gives us a solid foundation
and a help beyond that available in the world,
even the Christian world,
through supportive family, friends, counseling, etc.
But emotionally, we grieve the same as everyone else - 
I will dare to say it -
perhaps even more deeply
because we strive to love with the love of Christ
and there is no greater love than that!
 
We allow ourselves and others
to miss someone who lives far away,
has come to visit,
and returned home. 
They are gone from us
and we miss them.
Our hearts ache and long to be with them again.
We remember the love and the activities and the companionship
and we know that it will be a long while until we can hold them close
and our hearts hurt.
We are sad.

This is exactly what happens in the life of a Christian
when they experience the death of a Christian loved one!
They have been with us for a visit,
perhaps a very long one,
perhaps a very short one,
and have gone Home.
And we miss them!
But rather than missing them temporarily as in a visit,
the separation is permanent until we join them in Heaven.
 
Believers and non-believers alike
experience permanently changed lives,
our hearts hurt,
all our emotions are overwhelmed by the emotion of grief.
 
Christian emotions are just like those outside of Christendom!
Just like God's (we are created in His image and likeness, Genesis 1:26).
Just like Jesus' who experienced all that we experience, 
including grief and sorrow (the story of Lazarus' death, especially John 11:35)
Just like the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, 
feels what we feel, 
and helps us with those emotions (John 14:16, 17)
As the secondary losses begin to quickly mount,
the emotion of grief does too.
While believers experience the spiritual aspects of loss and grief
quite differently from non-believers,
Christians and non-Christians
experience emotional grief in the same basic fashion. 
No two alike, all very similar.
The difference is spiritual, not emotional!
We grieve spiritually differently 
from those who do not have the hope of eternity through Christ!
 
Folks, Jesus Himself grieved/grieves!
And in the Sermon on the Mount,
He not only gave us permission to grieve and be comforted,
He said we were blessed because He allows us to grieve
and comforts our spirits in that grief!(Matthew 5:4)
Rejoice in the sureness of eternity and that wonderful day when

He will wipe every tear from their eyes,
and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,
for the former things have passed away.
 
                                                                           ~~ Revelation 21:4 ~~

But take note that even in this verse of promise,
the fact of earth-bound mourning and grief is acknowledged. 
Open your emotions to Him!
More than any of your family,
more than all your friends,
more than the world's finest, most compassionate counselor,
He understands your sorrow-laden emotions -
and He knows how you are feeling,
what you are experiencing anyway,
so there is no need to try to hide from Him,
from others,
or from yourself!
 
And in His time -
and remember, His time is not our time,
for we want the pain and anguish to stop NOW -
in His time, He will bring healing,
restore life out of mere existence,
beauty out of ashes.

But it takes time 
and that time of mourning
is not time living in sin!
It is time growing in grace!
It is time of refinement!
But grief is not sin!
 

 
So this year, I challenge you to offer grace
and patience
and mercy
to yourself and others.
If you have never experienced this emotional rollercoaster,
count your blessings
and offer grace anyway!
Offer your presence!
Offer your love!
Offer encouragement that the intense anguish won't last forever!
 
But don't beat each other 
unnecessarily and erroneously  
with Scripture!