Boaz and Ruth

 

From my journal seven years ago today:

 

"Tonight's the night! 

Lanny meeting. 

I'm very excited - and a bit nervous. 

He seems too good to be true... 

Please God, 

please let him be the fine, Godly man he represents himself to be!"  

 

And he was and so much more!

 

That prayer on the night of our first date

was one of many that had gone before it,

both generally,

and about him specifically!

 

In the first few months of my widowhood,

I simply prayed to survive.

Then as I began to know I did want to remarry,

I began to pray for my Boaz,

that God would prepare him for me,

bring him along.

In my widow's groups,

we talked a lot about finding our "Boaz"

and we all prayed for him!

But I began to realize

I was only praying for a small part

of what I needed to pray about 

before seeking remarriage.

I stopped, dead still,

and listened to the Holy Spirit.

And I began praying less for 

God to prepare and bring my Boaz

and more for God to make me into a Ruth,

prepare me for him.

 

On that night,

seven years ago,

I knew what I wanted in my "kinsman redeemer",

my Boaz,

but more importantly,

more than I had ever known in 37 years of marriage,

I knew what God wanted of this Ruth,

of this widowed woman,

to become a worthy woman to be a wife.

 

That evening followed several weeks of written communication,

sharing deeply of our lives and hearts,

our losses and sorrows,

our hopes and desires.

I was already half in love

when I walked through the door of the restaurant

and saw him standing there.

Three hours later,

I knew I wanted to see him again,

and when he asked for a second date,

I gladly accepted

and closed my eHarmony page.

The rest, as they say,

is history.

 

Seven years ago tonight,

I met my Lanny Love face-to-face.

I'm so glad I was ready!!!

 

[And Ruth sought]

"...a worthy man...in whose sight I shall find favor...

...Then she fell on her face,

bowing to the ground, and said to him,

'Why have I found favor in your eyes,

that you should take notice of me...

...I have found favor in your eyes,

my lord, for you have comforted me

and spoken kindly to your servant...

I am Ruth, your servant.

Spread your wings over your servant,

for you are a redeemer...'

...[Boaz] said, '...you are a worthy woman.'

...So Boaz took Ruth,

and she became his wife."

                            ~~ From the Book of Ruth ~~

 

 

I know someone...

I have a ministry.

Grief.

I feel called to this,

compelled to talk about it.

I do a fair amount of one-on-one grief counseling.

I co-facilitate grief groups with my Lanny Love.

And many of the posts in this blog talk about grief.

They talk about the experience of grief,

widowed grief in particular,

and what it looks like to walk through it.

They talk about grief being the price of love.

Not all of them are grief focused,

but many.

This one will also address grief,

but the other side of it.

 

I know someone who is a grief expert.

No, she is not a grief counselor,

she has simply suffered significant losses to death.

That really does make you an expert!

 

But this woman does not use her grief expertise

to help others heal,

rather, she has embraced grief,

made it who and what she is.

For years, she has been grief stricken

to the point of being incapacitated.

She rarely leaves her home.

She has few relationships,

just her children, grandchildren, and one sister.

She has wrapped herself in a cocoon of misery

and refused to come out,

spread her wings,

and fly!

 

She deeply and truly believes that

her grief is deeper, more profound than anyone else's.

Relationship does not matter.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her parents'.

She lost a father.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings or mother.

She lost a brother.

Her grief was deeper than that of her siblings, his children, his widow.

I know this to be true because I have heard her say this.

 

She has taken this grief

and wrapped it around her like a blanket,

layer after layer.

Thick, heavy quilts,

weighing her down,

suffocating her,

snuffing her very life out,

leaving behind only grief.

 

She has been this way for many years.

 

Her grief has beget children.

Bitterness.

Anger.

Resentment.

Loss of faith.

Abandonment.

 

THIS IS NOT HOW WE ARE TO GRIEVE!

THIS IS NOT THE PRICE OF LOVE!

 

In the beginning,

that cocoon of grief is hard and unyielding 

and you need it.

It is your protection in many ways.

It keeps your loved one closer in the short term.

It keeps out the noise that might distract you from the work at hand -

because grief is hard, hard work!

But eventually,

the worm of grief begins to morph!

The weeping memories begin to make you smile!

The light of outside begins to creep in through that chrysalis

as it thins in preparation for new life.

At first, you close your eyes hard,

cover them with your fists against the light.

But little by little,

your fingers begin to spread

and you begin to peek through them at the light.

You start to wonder what might be out there.

 

You look back at the hard cocoon

and realize it was painful!

You look around you and discover

the love of your life, your mother, your child

is still gone.

You haven't preserved them at all!

 

You begin to feel uncomfortable and cramped.

You try to shift, 

to make your place of safety feel better.

But you can't.

You notice that the cocoon is getting thinner

and you fully open your eyes and look out.

You consider trying to come up with a way

to add another layer,

block out the light once again 

but only closing your eyes tightly,

covering them with your fists will do it

from inside.

And your eyeballs begin to hurt from the pressure!

 

You try to shift once again.

You can't.

So you poke at the chrysalis with one small finger,

just a little poke,

and it flexes just a bit.

You poke again.

And again.

And again.

And suddenly it gives

and a tiny little hole appears.

The light is much brighter now

and you find yourself straining toward it.

You look back to be sure -

is your companion, grief,

following you?

It is.

Is your loved one's memory still there?

It is! It is!

Is your love for them still intact?

It is! It is! It is!

 

So you strain just a bit more.

And the hole widens!

You feel warmth!

You hear life out there!

You stop looking to see if grief is following you.

You stop checking to see if your loved one's memory is still as close.

You only know MUST get out or die!

 

You wiggle!

You squirm!

You push!

You pull back,

gather steam,

push again!

And finally you break through!!!

You look around you at the vivid colors!

You inhale deeply of the sweet scents!

You tilt your ear toward the sound of music!

And slowly, a smile begins to form!

But midway through, it abruptly stops.

You drop your head in remembrance of the beloved left behind.

 

Suddenly, movement from the corner of your eye!

You glance.

Shocked, you look fully and gape 

in awe and wonder at what you see!

There he is!

The one you thought you selfishly left behind 

so you could be in the light. 

There he is!

More vibrant, 

more vivid, 

more alive in your memory

than he ever was in the cocoon of grief!

Because, you see,

 

LOVE ISN'T ABOUT GRIEF AND PAIN AND LOSS!!!

IT IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP AND MEMORIES!!!

IT IS ABOUT THE THINGS YOU DID TOGETHER

AND THE THINGS YOU WILL DO IN HIS PLACE!!!

GRIEF IS THE PRICE OF LOVE

BUT IT IS NOT A LIFETIME SENTENCE!!!

 

Yes, you can choose to stay in your cocoon as my acquaintance has

but that takes even more work than breaking out!

Do not choose to make a life of grief!

Grieve, most certainly! 

You must! 

You cannot avoid it!

To do so means leaving your cocoon too soon

with devastating consequences!

But to stay permanently is sure death of your innermost being!

 

There is life after grief!

There will always be those moments

when the cocoon will try to wrap you once again.

But they are moments,

not a life!

You will NOT forget!!!

You will NOT stop loving - ever!!!

But there is life after grief!

 

Please! Please! Please!

Make the most of the time God has given you,

the LIFE God has given you!

Honor Him,

honor your loved one!

There IS a "happily ever after"

in a format unique to each of us!!!

Let God give it to you!!!

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven...

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 

                                              ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 ~~

 

 

Listening, talking, and (shudder) self-discipline

 

 

 

 

 "Many people think they are listening 

when in fact they are simply talking a break from talking - 

pausing to reload their verbal guns."

 

~~ Gary Chapman,

The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional  ~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

My daughter, Aleisha, is an extraordinary listener.

For the past nearly seven years

I have watched in fascination at her skill.

When Aleisha is conversing with you,

there is no one else in the room.

 

She was already a youth minister when we met

and she became mine.

I would watch her after church,

this very popular and much loved young woman,

who often had a line of people,

young and old,

waiting for audience.

I don't think she was aware of that.

Her focus was so completely

on the person to whom she was listening,

and to whom she occasionally commented or replied,

that she was basically unaware of anything else going on around her.

It didn't matter the "importance"

of the people waiting to speak with her,

the person in front of her

was the most important person in the room!

I am not a good listener.

I used to think I was 

because I was very shy

and didn't speak much,

but my mind was not focused

on the person speaking,

it was focused on what I might reply,

or worse,

what someone across the room was doing,

why so-and-so wasn't there,

and so on.

As I began to overcome my shyness

I began to realize that I was not a good listener - 

at all! -

I was only a good non-interrupter,

and I began to not even be that! 

On Christmas day, Aleisha and I were talking about her gift.

I wondered how she did it,

was it a gift or a learned behavior

and if learned, how.

We talked a lot that afternoon

and decided it was a combination of the two -

and discipline.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate that word?

Discipline

It's not a pretty word.

It doesn't look pretty.

It doesn't feel good on your tongue.

It's especially offensive when paired with the word "self".

 

Self-discipline takes intentionality.

Self-discipline requires choosing to do something differently.

Self-discipline takes practice.

A lot of practice!

 

I had to wonder to myself,

"Exactly how much do you want to be a better listener?"

Because, the more I have thought about it over the years,

the more I have realized I not only am not good at it,

I'm downright bad at it.

In every area, not just conversation.

 

My mind is a pin-ball machine,

bouncing and pinging from one thing to the next quickly

and without direction.

It pinged a lot in school.

It pings during sermons and Sunday School.

Even when I am watching TV

or at a movie

or reading a really good book,

💥Ping!

Ping!💥

💥Ping!

And it pings during conversations.

 

I learned to refocus at school -

albeit, half-heartedly.

I learned to bring my mind back to Sunday School,

and to church.

Sometimes, if the television show or movie or book

is really interesting,

I bring it back to those -

though more often than not,

I must move away from those things for a minute or two

to make it happen.

But I have not learned to bring it back

to focusing completely on

what the other person in a conversation is saying to me!

And that is a HUGE failure!!!

AND, it is just plain rude!!!

So here I go

on another walk with God

as He teaches me that what they are saying

is far more important than how I should respond.

That they are more important in that moment

than who else wants to speak with me

or who else I want to talk to and am afraid of missing

or who else just walked in

or what I should make for dinner

or............

anything else in that moment!

 

It will take prayer. 

It will take concentrated effort.

It will take self-discipline.

It will be worth it!

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. 

~~ Proverbs 18:13 ~~

 

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

~~ Proverbs 18:2 ~~