My written communication skills are far superior to my verbal.
Oh, I don't mean I don't speak well
or have a proper command of the English language,
I mean I am not quickly comfortable in conversations.
I can make prepared speeches -
or even impromptu ones -
in front of thousands and enjoy it immensely,
I can reveal my heart to the world in blog form,
but social mingling,
whether with a single person or a small group,
leaves me quaking in my boots!
I am a relatively quiet person.
It normally takes me a long while
to feel comfortable sharing much of myself in conversation.
I do understand that those of you who know me well
and with whom I am comfortable
are scratching your heads in amazement.
Just think back to when we first met.
Polite, attentive, rarely commenting
revealing little personal depth when I did.
I especially dislike dissenting conversations,
even with those I know well.
My daughter is fond of saying
I can call a person a dirty so-and-so in writing
and make them like it.
But I am lousy at conversational confrontations!
In writing, I have time.
I can form my thoughts,
write them down,
change the phrasing,
soften the words,
make my "tone of voice" gentle and kind.
However, because I avoid confrontation
and am more likely to just let things slide,
by the time I am willing to speak in disagreement,
I am too passionate and emotional to do it well.
And yes, I am a passionate and emotional person.
I do not apologize for that.
It is how God created me.
But His intention was for me to use my passions and emotions wisely,
for His glory and honor,
and my tongue cautiously,
not just act and speak on them willy-nilly.
A few months ago,
I had such a confrontation.
It was with a person with whom
I was struggling to build a relationship -
somewhat unsuccessfully for reasons unknown to me.
One day, I was in the presence of this individual
who was speaking with my husband, not me.
And I commented.
Now, what I said was completely unoffensive.
But it was in disagreement with the person's opinion.
It led to a longer conversation.
One that we both found "appalling".
They said some things,
I said some things.
They wrote two letters to my husband,
who was part of the conversation,
explaining in explicit detail
how offensive we, I, had been,
that my comments were "horrible".
I didn't mean to be offensive.
But I offended the person
and that made it offensive.
And when I reflect honestly on the conversation,
I can see that some of what I said could have been heard offensively.
I was not wrong.
But it was inappropriate of me to speak.
And because I was so shocked at some of the comments,
my emotions and passion took over,
and my tongue was not controlled.
My comments did not change either of our convictions that we were in the right.
It did, however, confirm to them that they were right about me,
that they had been right in refusing a relationship with me beyond cordialness.
Now, the relationship I had prayed for and worked toward,
will very likely never be.
More, it appears to have cost me relationships with three people,
who have no doubt heard the other side of the story,
whom I love, admire, and deeply respect,
and with whom I had excellent relationships.
It is the only explanation for the cool politeness I now receive from them.
The cost of my speaking out was far too high!
The fact that what I said was true does not matter.
It probably did need to be said.
But not by me.
It was inappropriate under the circumstances.
And it was inappropriate from me.
Most egregious of all, I did not listen for
the Holy Spirit's leading before I spoke.
Isn't that the way?
I suppose there are times when we feel we "got away with it",
when the consequences are not as obvious as they were in this case -
or as painful.
But just because they don't show
doesn't mean they aren't there!
I find that I remind myself in this instanceof a well-known public figure.
I agree with most of what he says,
but most of what he says
should be kept to himself
until he has had time to think and get some advice on how to say it -
advice which should be heeded.
This is not the person I want to be!
The Book of James
has been my "go to" for many years
when dealing with the issue of my passionate emotions and tongue.
I have read and reread it so often
that I have it memorized in a couple translations.
And yet...
Lord God, help me to learn!
My dear brothers and sisters,
always be willing to listen and slow to speak.
Do not become angry [emotional] easily,
because anger [emotion] will not help you live the right kind of life God wants.
~~ James 1:19-20 NCV ~~
