Friday, March 27, 2020

Loneliness

Isolation.
Most people dislike it!
We are accustomed to coming and going as we please.
This time of pandemic isolation is difficult.
Lonely.
Especially for extroverts, children, and folks who live alone.
And MOST especially for the recently separated or widowed
who feel alone even in a crowd.

Those men and women who,
at a time when we really need to be with people,
when the support of friends and family
are what keep them going,
when they are already struggling for anything
to be worth getting out of bed for,
suddenly find themselves sequestered,
alone,
lonely.
And it feels like no light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember those early days of my widowhood.
Having to verbally tell myself

Get out of bed.
Comb your hair.
Eat.
Brush your teeth.
Take a shower.
Get dressed.

I didn't have the strength or desire to do those things.
But I knew I should, needed to.
My children and grandchildren,
my friend Chris and my sister and brother
kept me going in those days.
They called, the came over, they pushed me, they asked if I had eaten.
I don't know that I could have healed -
or even survived -
without their love and support.

My heart hurts for those of you in this position.
And for those extroverts who,
while my introverted self is thriving and building energy 
with this extended opportunity to isolate and rest,
are falling deeper and deeper into depression and
desperation for face-to-face human contact!
My heart hurts for you!

But, something I discovered during my anguished grief,
my choice to live rather than merely exist,
and my subsequent remarriage is this:

There is a yearning within us 
that can only be filled by God!

That loneliness we feel while even in a crowd;
The dissatisfaction with your spouse, friends, family,
is borne of the expectation that they can fill that spot.
And they cannot!

It is God's spot and God's alone ~
and He cohabitates all the other spots!

So when we isolate Him
or from Him,
ALL our spots are lacking!

When Al died,
I tried desperately to make it stop hurting!!!
I ran away from home repeatedly!
I did foolish things!
I deeply hurt myself and others!
And nothing I did made it stop!
I could not give that hole away!
I could not give it to Harlan.
I could not give it to Michael.
I could not even give it to my precious Lanny Love.
No person could cure the ache and longing for Al.
Because the spot in my heart that is his
cannot be filled by another man!

It was not until I gave that hurt,
gave that spot that is Al's,
completely over to God 
and invited Him to fill it to overflowing,
that the hurting went away!
Do I still miss him?
Yes, sometimes intensely.
Do I still love him?
Absolutely and deeply.
But the intense anguish,
the persistent pain,
the constant longing,
those are gone now.

So, while we are isolated,
don't sink!
Text, Facebook, Face-time!
And more importantly,
spend some time with God.
You are not alone!
I know, He is not your missing love, or child, parents, friends, or co-workers.
He is better!
HE, not other people, makes you complete!

You are all in my prayers!


Friday, March 20, 2020

A good life together

Today would have been my and Al's 44th wedding anniversary.
I think of him often, but especially on days like today.
But, unlike in the beginning of my widowhood,
now the memories make me smile.
I do not feel sad today.
I feel grateful!

We had a good life!
We loved each other deeply.
We raised two amazing children!
We enjoyed some empty nest time.
We had a very good life!

But while I miss my Al deeply,
while I still love him and always will,
I am very happy where God has brought me!

In the first couple years of my widowhood,
I spent a lot of time with Job.
I'd get to the end where they all lived happily ever after
and it would make me mad!

“Yeah, that’s all well and good, he got new children.
But the first ones are still gone!
It’s not the same!”

And I was right.
It's not the same.
Lanny is not my Alfie.
But neither was Al my Lanny Love.
And I wouldn't have missed out on
either of them for anything!

I understand Job better now.
I understand God's redemptive love and power better now.

So today, the 44th anniversary of my marriage to Al,
I will revel in my memories,
rejoice in my present,
and praise God for His goodness!


Silver Linings

I am a silver lining gal.
I always have been.
Sometimes I've had to
look harder to find it,
but it's always there!

It can be annoying apparently.
Sometimes we just want to wallow -
and that's okay for a time,
we need to lament!

Like many around the globe,
our grocery stores' shelves are empty.
Some people are panicking, hoarding.
A mild headache or sore throat
is cause for alarm.
Last week, I was out and choked on my own spit.
The resulting coughing fit ensued.
I was an island instantly!
It's a scary world right now.

Our city had it's first confirmed diagnosis
of the dreaded COVID-19 this week.
My Lanny Love and I each have a family member
with a confirmed diagnosis.
We, like the rest of the world,
are in self-isolation,
heading toward forced isolation.
Our world is struggling!

We have cause to lament!
But only for a minute!
Because long-term wallowing
is not helpful!
It makes things much, much worse!

So, true to form,
I am looking for the silver linings in all this.

I'll start with groceries.
My sweet neighbor down the street
had an extra bottle of Dawn Liquid Dish Soap.
She asked if I needed it.
I didn't, but I know someone who did.
She left it on my doorstep,
I'll leave it on theirs.

A neighbor had NO toilet paper.
I always have TP.
(Please don't break into my home,
I am running low at this point.)
I gave her a package.

Another neighbor texted this morning
just to check in and make sure we were okay.

I witnessed a pharmacist
give a customer his own personal bottle of alcohol
because the woman was diabetic
and needed the alcohol for finger pricks and shots
and there were no more alcohol wipes or bottles.
He gave it to her.

I saw an old man and a young one
both reach for the last package of chicken,
both told the other to take it.

The middle school daughter of a dear friend
is doing a daily story time on Zoom
to help relieve boredom for kids 
and give weary mom's a break.

Another friend has made it her mission
to find and distribute diapers to families with littles.

Many of my teacher friends are sharing sites and links
to help moms and dads with education.

I am experiencing, witnessing, and hearing about
many acts of kindness, generosity, compassion, and sacrifice.

These are silver linings!

Even the self-isolation is a blessing!
I am an introvert.
That means being in crowds
and social situations
are draining to me.
I need quiet, alone time to re-energize.
My Lanny Love and I are always on the go.
We are with people
every single day of the week most weeks.
But now, we are now operating from home,
using the phone for visits
rather than face-to-face.
We are finding time to rest.
We are reconnecting.
We have desperately needed some
extended quiet time.
I will be a better minister's wife,
     church member,
          friend,
               person
when this is over and we are free to roam again.

So while I know my penchant for finding the silver lining
can be annoying to some -
as mentioned above,
sometimes we just want to wallow,
and that's okay for a time -
I would encourage you to look around you.
Remember that ALL things pass by God
before they get to us!
And God is good!
So let's find the good in this situation.
Don't miss out on the goodness!!!


Friday, March 13, 2020

Cheescake, drugs, fruit inspection, empathy and compassion

I have learned some things in my life.
In one month,
I will embark upon my 64th year.
How is that even possible!?!
And in the nearly 63 completed years
I have learned some things.
But not everything!

Recently, during my run ~ 
why, at nearly 63 years old
do I find in necessary
to try to look and act 20???
But that is another blog...
~ recently, during my run,
God began to speak to me through a podcast.

In the last several months,
I have been struggling mightily
with my weight.
I have been one of two things most of my life ~
a person who did not eat at all,
or a person who overate.
Anorexia, binge and purge.
I have worked diligently to overcome those things
and find the happy medium.
And I have been very successful
over the last few years.
Until this past year.
Good ol' age 
and the hormonal issues that come with it
have reared their ugly heads
and I have struggled.
As my weight has gone up,
I have struggled with my old friends
and I have found myself thinking,
"If I'm going to be fat anyway,
EAT THE CHEESECAKE!!!"
In the words of Dr. Phil,
"So how's that working for you?"

This struggle has led to some pondering.
I have two people,
dear to me,
who struggle with drug addiction.
Both worked diligently to overcome.
One struggles, but is persevering.
The other is eating the cheesecake.
It's hard not to judge.

Now judgement is one of those sticky wickets.
We jump all over the Scripture
that tells us not to judge.
And we use it to prevent necessary correction.
Especially as adults.
But that is taking Scripture out of context,
one of mankind's favorite past-times.
But that's not what this blog is about.

What this blog is about is God pointing out to me
that one sin is not greater than the next
and that ALL of us have sinned and fallen short
and that ALL of us have struggles.

You see, my food issues are many
and are partially the result of the fact
that I am an addictive personality type.
I could easily have been an alcoholic.
So I don't drink.
I could easily have been a drug addict.
So I take medicines with great caution.
I could have been easily addicted to many things.
But I am addicted to food.

People who do not struggle with this particular addiction
do not understand.
I often hear, "Just don't eat so much!"
And have replied, "Would you say to an alcoholic,
'Just have one drink three times a day and no more!'
because that is what you are saying to the food addict!"
And I still feel that way about quantity eating.
But quality eating is another story.

I have to eat.
Every single day.
And I admit to you freely
that portion control is hard for me,
something I have to be aware of every time I eat.
But I don't have to eat cheesecake!
Not even one bite.
Ever again!
Doesn't that sound awful!?!?!?!

God has been reminding me the last few days,
every single time I think about putting cheesecake -
or whatever other poor food choice I am considering -
into my mouth,
that this is the same as what I expect of my loved ones.
Give up the unnecessary,
but greatly enjoyed,
addiction.
Forever.
Not so much as a taste.
Don't even smell it.
Pass it by in the grocery store.
Give up the friends that will serve cheesecake.
Only go to health food restaurants so I won't be tempted.
For the rest of my life!

My perspective has been rocked!
And my tendency to offer a bit more
empathy and compassion
in the midst of others' poor choices,
has increased.
This is not to be confused with
excusing or enabling.
There are consequences to our choices.
But maybe, just maybe,
my fruit inspection can be put aside
in favor of ~
dare I say it? ~
mercy and grace a bit more often!