My Lanny Love is on a highly restricted diet.
Like a good wife,
I have joined him.
He is feeling better
and losing weight
he most
definitely does not need to lose.
I am feeling worse
and gaining weight
I most
definitely do not need to gain!
I am also finding myself to be
increasingly weepy and moody.
Now, as I am a middle-aged woman,
you might have guessed that
I am at "that age"
where horomone producing organs
(and we're talking all of them here,
not just the reproductive organs)
stop doing their jobs.
Add to that the fact that
I had a total hysterectomy
a number of years ago
and you get weepy and moody.
And hot flashes.
LOTS of hot flashes.
Turns out his diet,
which cuts out many foods
with naturally occurring estrogen,
is not good for me.
Recently,
on day two of what had been
a weepy few days,
I did what turned out to be
a
greatly unappreciated nice thing
and I got my little feeling hurt.
Which did
not help my weepies!
Exactly what happened isn't important.
What is important is
that this is a long-term relationship
that has always been difficult
but which is very important to me.
One that I have prayed over
and worked at
for many years.
For the rest of the day,
I cried off and on.
I cried in frustration...
disappointment...
grief...
anger...
love...
I waffled back and forth between
"I'm done!"
and
"How can I fix this?"
Today I know only two things.
I'm not done.
I can't fix this.
I've thought about my tears of the day.
All the emotions.
Only one is permanent.
I love this person!
I have for nearly 25 years.
In the good and the bad.
That is the consistency in our relationship.
I love this person like my child.
Like I love my daughters.
No matter what...
...Like God loves me.
In the good and the bad.
Like His child.
No matter what.
He has never given up on me!
Even when I have been
difficult...
unyielding...
ungrateful...
Even when I have been unlovable,
He has loved me.
We talk a lot as Christians
about loving as God loves.
And in the same breath
we talk about not taking "'crap' off anybody".
We talk about being offended.
We talk about our rights.
These are incongruous
with the love of God.
I confess,
I find this issue somewhat confusing.
Modern psychology says,
"Don't let others abuse you!"
And, as someone who has come
from an abusive childhood
and found it necessary to,
for a time,
cut ties with a close family member
and to limit contact when we reconnected
in order to prevent further abuse to myself and my children,
to that person with that life experience,
this philosophy makes perfect sense.
But then I read The Beatitudes
and the Sermon on the Mount
(Matthew 5)
"Blessed are the Merciful"
"Blessed are the Peacemakers"
"Blessed are the persecuted"
"Blessed are you when people insult you,
persecute you and falsely say all kinds
of evil against you because of me."
Aha!
My "out"!
But then...
"Because of me..."
This isn't "suffering for Jesus"
this is just suffering!
I read on.
"You have heard that the law of Moses says,
'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'
But I say, love your enemies!
Pray for those who persecute you!
In that way, you will be acting as true children
of your Father in Heaven.
For He gives His sunlight
to both the evil and the good,
and He sends rain on the just
and on the unjust, too.
If you love only those who love you,
what good is that?
Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.
If you are kind only to your friends,
how are you different from anyone else?
Even pagans do that.
But you are to be perfect,
even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."
And I realize that continuing
rather than being "done"
IS, after all, "suffering for Jesus".
And, as God loves me
in my many imperfections,
so do I love this individual in theirs!
What I must decide is this.
Where does my acceptance of
"who they are"
become enabling this person
to be less than God wants them to be?
And where does "drawing the line"
become self-serving?
May God's Spirit
grant me wisdom and discernment,
mercy and grace,
and an abundance of His Love!
I have been reading my blog the last several days.