48th

Forty-eight years ago this morning

I woke filled with nervous excitement. 

It was my wedding day.

This is the 12th one I have commemorated without him.

We looked forward to our anniversary each year.

We looked forward to the "big one",

The 50th

Because we were so young when we married,

We knew we would have one.

That is the very best thing about baby marriages -

We are still immortal at that point.

I love my Al, still and deeply.

Remarriage does not change that.

Today my heart longs for dinner out,

Whatever surprises we might have for one another,

Anticipation of and planning for

The one coming in two more years.

That part of my heart is sad.

But the bigger part of my heart is filled with joy.

Because while we are physically apart this day,

This 48th commemoration of our lifetime together,

I am filled with memories of love

     And fights

          And excitement at the prospects ahead

               And hopes for the future

                    And dreams.....

And the laughter

     And the tears......

Of a lifetime spent together.

I love the memories!

The music of marriage

I am sitting in his office at the church

just so I can be near him.

It is quiet as he works,

the only sounds coming from the outer office

and my keyboard.

I sneak glances at him often.

My goodness how I love that man!!!

 

I love watching his face.

He is very expressive.

I enjoyed watching him appreciate me this morning

as I brought him coffee.

I enjoyed watching him be entertained by the dog's morning exuberance.

I enjoy watching him laugh at a funny movie or TV show.

But mostly I love watching him worship.

As he sits at his desk preparing his lesson for Sunday,

I see some of the same elements of adoration

that I see on his face as he raises his hands

in praise to our God on Sunday mornings.

I see wonder.

I see thirst for more knowledge.

I see pondering.

I see understanding.

I see a man after God's own heart.

My heart swells with admiration and wonder

at his greatness!

 

I think of the song "Something Good" from "The Sound of Music":

...For here you are standing there loving me
Whether or not you should.
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.

Nothing comes from nothing,
Nothing ever could.
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.

“Something Good” (Rodgers)
© 1965, Copyright Renewed, Williamson Music Company (ASCAP) c/o Concord Music Publishing.
All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.

Very fitting lyrics!

Indeed, I must have done something very, very good!

 

How God has blessed me!!!

To have the honor of submission and service to,

respect and admiration of

such a man as this!!!

To be loved and cherished and protected by him

as God instructs.

How God has blessed me!!!

How I love that man!!! 

 

The beautiful music of great love

and joyous marriage...........

 

 

 

The night he became my Lanny Love...

Nine years ago tonight

I had my last first date.

Nine years ago tomorrow morning

I had my second-to-last second date,

one that had already been arranged.

 

We had been "talking" on eHarmoney

for nearly a month when I agreed to meet.

When he asked me for my last second date the following day,

I gladly accepted!

I closed my account that second date night.

I knew, barring something very unexpected,

I did not want to keep looking.

I was pretty sure I had found "the one"

God had chosen for me.

 

He beat me to the restaurant that first night

and I arrived a few minutes early.

I walked into the lobby of my "first date" restaurant

and there he was in all of his glory,

and it was a glorious sight!!!

He was even more handsome in person

than his pictures reflected.

 

He opened his arms to hug me hello

and I did what for me was unprecedented,

I walked into his arms and hugged him back.

And though it was brief,

it wasn't even the distant side hug that most receive.

(I'm not a big hugger outside of intimate relationship.)

 

We shut the place down that night,

talking for three hours at the table

then another half hour or so standing at my car.

It was the single longest first date I had!

We never left the table!

He blessed the food and asked God's blessing on our time together.

And bless it He did!!!

Many of you have heard this story before,

but I will continue to share it.

February 28 will always be a cherished, precious date!

It was the night that changed my life

and made it better than I could ever have hoped or dreamed. 

New jewelry

I bought myself a new ring.

It is a piece of jewelry I have been thinking about for several years.

I didn't think of it in the beginning,

but at about the second year of remarriage.

At first I wished I had thought of it in the beginning,

but I wouldn't yet have fully appreciated

or understood the meaning of my new ring.

When my Al and I were dating

and it was apparent that we would marry,

his dad used to warn him:

"If you marry her, you're marrying her family!"

 And he was right.

I also married his.

 

I thought about that when my Lanny Love and I

knew we would marry,

particularly in light of the fact that,

as we discovered with our official engagement,

not all our children were happy about it.

 

I began to think about what my late father-in-law's statement really meant.

You see, my family was not normal.

He wanted to be sure that my Al understood that

his marriage to me

meant a deep relationship with them.

In all of their...different-ness.

He wanted to be sure he understood

that our marriage would be affected

by each of our relationships with my family.

And it was.

 

My Lanny Love and I became one on our wedding day.

But it wasn't the same as when he married his Judy

or I my Al.

We each spoke words of love and commitment 

    to one another.

We also each spoke words of love and commitment 

    to the children we were gaining.

And we each spoke words of love and a promise to remember

    my Al and his Judy.

 

Yes, my Lanny Love and I became one that day,

but something else happened.

That day, just as he became

"flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone"

in the eyes of God and in my heart,

so did his children.

Can I tell you something?

I do not have step-children!

I don't have bonus-children!

I don't have children-in-law!

I have children!

They are all mine as surely as if I had borne them

and I love them with a fierceness that surprised me!

 

I began to have a desire to symbolize that

just as I wear a symbol of my love and commitment 

to my amazing Lanny Love.

 

I would adopt them legally if I could!

But I can't.

In the last several years though,

they have grown to be so much a part of me

that I wanted to do something "formal".

I thought about presenting them with unofficial adoption papers.

It wasn't the right thing.

 

I began to think about how

Christ Himself relates His relationship to the church -

that's us folks -

to marriage.

(see Genesis 2:24

Ephesians 5

among others)

It began to occur to me.

I truly was married to not just my Lanny Love,

but to his family,

and he mine.

Every. Last. One.

Our children and their families, 

    our grandchildren and their families,

        his parents, 

           our siblings and their families, 

                our aunts and uncles and cousins, 

                    and our late spouses.

 

About a year ago,

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted a wedding ring.

More than even adoption,

marriage is the joining of lives,

the deep heart commitment to love and cherish

    as my own

        for all of my life,

            becoming one,

                becoming family!

I wanted a symbol of my commitment to all our children

along with the symbol of my commitment to our marriage.

 

And so I bought a ring.

It was custom made to snug up against my wedding band

and contains ten birthstones:

    two in the center, mine and his;

        down one side, his direct descendants,

            Tiffany, Aleisha, Zach

                and my Lanny Love's Judy;

        down the other side, my direct descendants,

            Steffan, Chrys, Kim

                and my Al.

I have been so blessed!

 

 

Wherever you go, I will go; 

wherever you live, I will live. 

Your people will be my people, 

and your God will be my God.

 

                            ~~ Ruth 1:16 ~~

 

 

 

A broken mug

This is a departure from my normal blog.

It has nothing to do with widowhood or remarriage or grief.

Well, nothing to do with grief resulting from the loss of a loved one.

 

I broke a gift from a dear friend this afternoon.

It wasn't an accident.

I did it on purpose!

Not only on purpose,

I had to try a couple ways to accomplish it.

 

I am a very animated person.

I speak with my hands.

I speak with my tone.

Even when my voice isn't involved, I am expressive.

I speak with my eyes.

I speak with my body language.

I speak with my face.

I am the whole speaking package!

 

My Lanny Love laughs at me and often says

"You're not a poker face!"

My closest friend in the world next to my Lanny Love agrees.

A while back, she bought me a gift mug that said:

"I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when you talk."

She thought it was funny.

I thought it was funny.

We laughed and laughed at the appropriateness of it.

I giggle every time I use it.

 

This morning, I used my mug

I did not giggle.

 

I dislike passive_aggressive behavior.

Just tell me what you feel,

say it to my face.

If you feel like you will look unreasonable,

well.............

But don't tell me you're angry

with passive-agressive behavior.

Turns out I don't like it any better in myself.

 

I receive a quarterly hormone pellet insertion.

TMI, I know.

Yes, I have done the research,

yes, I know the risks.

Just like in the "old" days -

or should I say "young" days -

there comes a point a week or so after

when I am moody and may possibly 

lean toward the unreasonable for a couple days.

I know it's coming and I prepare myself for it.

I have, thus far, managed not to say anything I have to apologize for later

during those few days.

But this morning, though I spoke in my practiced

"sweet as pie" voice - when I spoke -

I pulled a passive-aggressive stunt.

 

You see, I wanted something last night.

Sleep didn't change my want.

It didn't change my Lanny Love's acquiescence.

And it didn't change my attitude.

So I hauled out my cup.

I made sure to drink left-handed,

which I often do anyway,

but today I did it on purpose so the words would show.

My Lanny Love probably knew I was not my normal self this morning,

but I'm sure he had no idea I had dug that cup out

juuuuuust for him.

And I'm sure he didn't know why.

That's the thing about passive-aggressive behavior.

It's ineffective.

 

Nonetheless, I used that cup all day long.

It really isn't a good "sipping all day" cup

because of it's size,

and I thought about getting a different one

every time I had to microwave my coffee.

But I didn't want to let my cup go,

or my moodiness,

or my irritation,

or my "take that-attude".

So I used the too-big-for-sipping-but-good-for-nursing-a-grudge-mug...

and the microwave.

All.

    Day.

        Long.

Yep, it really is as ridiculous as it sounds.

I am currently reading

Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.

I cannot recommend this book highly enough! 

Anyway, there I was, reading along and sipping my tepid coffee

and suddenly The Holy Spirit spoke.

Really?

You can't be held responsible for your behavior?

You really can't?

You can't control your impulses at all, my wayward child???

Is it only your face you can't control?

Is it only those muscle reflexes?

And is it really funny that you don't wish to be held responsible?

Is is really funny that you use 

"I can't help it, I'm expressive, It's who God made me"

(Sounds a whole lot like Adam and Eve, doesn't it?)

as an excuse to treat the gift I gave you poorly,

even in an underhanded, passive-aggressive way?

Is that really funny?

Turns out it isn't!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me tell you, I couldn't get rid of that mug fast enough!

It suddenly made me sick to my stomach to see it, touch it.

Quite literally!

I dumped the coffee and threw the mug in the trash compactor

crying "forgive me, Lord!!!"

I hit that compact button to crush the cup praying

"Crush that spirit within me that causes me and You such shame!"

I listened for the pop of the broken mug.

No pop.

I raised the compactor.

There lay my completely unharmed mug.

I hit that button again and prayed,

"Break it, Lord, crush it!!!"

No pop.

The still, quiet voice.

YOU must shatter it, my child.

I will not take from you what you are not willing to give.

 

I fished that symbol of my carnality out of the trash,

went to my little tool box for my little hammer,

out to the patio where that hammer and I went to work!

I broke that mug!

Shattered it!

Along with my nasty attitude!

 

It's not the first time I've been contrite before God

because of my attitude or behavior

It probably won't be the last time.

But I feel so clean!

 

I took pictures because I want to remember.

I saved the shattered words as a reminder:

My behavior, my attitude, these are my choice.

Choose wisely!

 

Thank you, Daddy God,

for Your refining Love!

Remind me often........

 

 For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.

                                                ~~ Psalm 66:10 ~~

 

January 28, 4:59pm: Chapter 11

Forgive me as I ramble today.

 

We attended a funeral yesterday.

The widower requested that the soloist sing

"I Can Only Imagine" 

but requested that the lyrics be slightly altered:

 

I can only imagine what it will be like
When [she walks] by Your side
I can only imagine what [her] eyes will see
When Your face is before [her]
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

[Chorus]
Surrounded by Your glory
What will [her] heart feel?
Will [she] dance for You, Jesus
Or in awe of You be still?
Will [she] stand in Your presence
Or to [her] knees will [she] fall?
Will [she] sing hallelujah
Will [she] be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine...

 

And so on through the entire song.

As the song was played,

I closed my eyes and did my own insertions.

[Verse 2]
I can only imagine when that day [came]
And [he found himself] standing in the Son
I can only imagine
[Now] all [he] will do is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine

[Chorus]
Surrounded by Your glory
What [did his] heart feel?
[Did he] dance for You, Jesus
Or in awe of You be still?

[Did he] stand in Your presence
Or to [his] knees, [did he] fall?
[Did he] sing hallelujah?
[Was he] be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine...

 

At the time of his crossing,

our daughter was gifted with a vision

of his entrance into Heaven.

"He looked so happy, mama!!"

I can only imagine.....

 

This eleventh anniversary has been different.

They all are.

Watch for an upcoming blog...

 

I have not slept well this week,

particularly the last two nights.

I have cried easily about everything.

 

I have thought of that cute, sweet boy

with whom I fell in infatuation.

 

 

 

I have thought of the handsome young man

for whom affection became love.

I have thought of that devoted daddy,

 

that doting "Big Papa".

I have thought of that loving, protective, passionate husband

for whom love had deepened and grown

into a thing of great beauty, 

admired and envied by many. 

I have thought of the great man of God

it was my privilege to walk home.

And I have praised God

for the privilege of being his wife.

I have praised God

for the sure knowledge that we will meet again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, as it is written, 

“What no eye has seen, 

nor ear heard, 

nor the heart of man imagined, 

what God has prepared for those who love him” 

                                        ~~ 1 Corinthians 2:9 ~~

 

Just a few days...

It's just a few days now.

It is in my awareness constantly.

Sometimes front and center,

sometimes in my peripheral vision,

but constantly there.

January 28, 4:59pm

Each year is different.

This part seems to be the same.

Every year the dread begins Christmas night,

really, probably a bit before,

with the remembrance of the "last one".

The awareness begins increasing

until by mid-January,

it is constantly there once again.

 

Sometimes it is just there, just awareness.

Sometimes it is sadness.

Sometimes it is sorrow.

Sometimes it is full-on grief.

But it is there.

My awareness that his physical presence is gone.

 

The more I am aware of his physical absence,

the more I feel his un-physical presence,

that intangible "touching" of our spirits.

His name comes easily to my lips.

I dream of him more -

and strangely, I dream of Lanny's Judy more.

(Yes, though I did not know her, I dream of her.) 

The dreams are different now than they once were.

They bother me because in them he is always...

...the odd man out, the observer.

Even when I try, in my dream, to include him,

he is the man on the sideline,

watching, enjoying, but not interacting or participating.

This has been the case since a "vision" type dream

several years ago - a story for another time.

Still, they are better than the nightmares I had

in the early days.

January has always been a hard month for me

because I am a Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) gal,

but the last 12 have been...

there is not a right word

but sad on top of SAD,

well.............

 

That first one in 2013 when I walked him Home

was only a preview of the pain that would come.

And that initial relief for him that he was well at last

was but a preview of the healing that would come to me

in the years to follow.

Grief is different now than it was in the beginning.

Then it was harsh, all consuming, excruciating, unending pain.

Now it is softer, melancholic, bearable.

But it is still grief.

That walking-him-Home January,

he was calmed by my singing.

I sang for hours and hours at a time.

The song that particularly seemed to calm and comfort him

was Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus.

(Link leads to Alan Jackson version on YouTube.)

I find myself humming that song these days...

Grief in remarriage

Today is January 20.

It is my sister's and brother-in-love's

46th wedding anniversary.

It is the 8th anniversary of the death

of my sweet, young friend's husband.

It is eight days until the 11th anniversary

of my Al's death.

 

My friend, who remarried a few years ago,

and I were chatting this morning.

She made the comment that she

didn't know how to grieve in remarriage.

She commented that her precious husband

didn't know what to do or say to make it better.

 

The answer to what can he do is nothing.

Nothing really makes it better.

Like most men, he wants to make it better.

He loves her so much and she him

and he just wants to fix it for her.

But, honestly, the only thing he can do to make it better

is to listen and be there and love her through it.

 

So how exactly does one grieve in remarriage?

Well, you just do.

That is the answer.

Like all grief, 

    there isn't a right way or a wrong way,

        you just do.

 

In some ways, remarriage makes special days harder.

Almost 

"How DARE I be happy when my beloved is dead!"

Here's the thing -

    and I know this sounds cold-hearted but sometimes facts are -

        the thing is,

            if I am not happy,

                if my sweet, young friend is not happy,

                    our beloved first husbands

                        are no less dead.

 

I cannot imagine that my happiness

would bring anything other than joy to my Al!

 

There is no honor in misery.

 

There is no honor in not loving.

I love my Al.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

My Lanny Love loves his Judy.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

Nor would he.

My friend loves her first husband.

I cannot, and would not, change that.

Nor would she.

Grief in remarriage is complicated.

And exceedingly simple.

I love them both.

He loves us both.

She loves them both.

We miss them and sometimes are extraordinarily sad. 

The Bible is clear that we are to love as Christ loves.

That is unendingly,

    without caveat,

        in life, and in death.

 

My advise to her this morning was to

    feel her feelings,

        talk about her beloved,

            remember.

Hold him closer for a while.

And at the same time hold her second beloved close.

Because she knows!

She knows the value - and the cost - of great love.

 

It occurs to me that those who are widowed and remarried

are married to very blessed people!

I loved and honored my Al well in life 

    and love and honor him well in death.

I love and honor my Lanny Love GREAT

    because I KNOW!

 

I know.............

Epiphany

Today is Epiphany, the twelfth day of Christmas

which tradition holds is the day the wise men

found and worshipped the baby Jesus.

While we know that they actually found Him

nearly two years later and not in the manger,

the point is that they found and worshipped

the Light of the World.

 

I have for many years waited until after Epiphany

to take down my Christmas decorations.

Christmas 2012 going into 2013 was an exception.

I had sadly decided that life would be simpler

if the Christmas decor was down.

On January 1, 2013, my girls came and helped me

put away my Al's last Christmas.

It turned out to be a great blessing on that Epiphany of 2013,

when God revealed His Light to a dying man and a grieving woman.

I won't go into the very intimate details of that evening,

but it was a precious gift from God!

 

Today, I am away from home.

I will not be able to go sit for a while with my Al

and remember the gift of that sacred evening.

But I share this story, probably not for the first time,

because I want to share the Light of the World with you!

 

It seems fitting to me somehow

that God chose Epiphany for the events of that night.

Such darkness in those days, and the days to follow.

Such Light in the midst of it all!

 

You see, God does not desire darkness for us!

We live in a fallen world and darkness is a part of that.

But He is THE Light!

And always, even in the midst of the blackest midnight,

    the deepest cave,

        the blackest hole,

            always, He is there.

It occurs to me that He,

the Light of the World Himself,

cloaks Himself in darkness to provide us Light.

 

Wherever you are today,

whatever your circumstances,

may you see the Light!

 

When Jesus spoke to them again, he said, 

“I am the Light of the World. 

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, 

but will have the light of life.”

                        
~~ John 8:12