Amazing Grace

"But despite all the miraculous signs He had done, 

most of the people did not believe in Him." 

                               ~~ John 12:37 NLT ~~

Can you imagine?
They were part of the crowds!
They had been there that day!
They had eaten the loaves and fishes!
They had watched with their own eyes as the lepers spots faded!
Their mouths had hung open in shock as Lazarus walked out of the tomb!
And still, when push came to shove,
they didn't believe.
And so, they became part of a mob,
crying for His crucifixion.

And He knew.
And He let them.
Because He loved them.
Because He loved us!

Amazing Grace!

Holy Week

"The next day, 

the news that Jesus was on the way to Jerusalem 

swept through the city. 

A huge crowd of Passover visitors 

took palm branches and went down to the road to meet Him. 

They shouted, 

'Praise God! 

Bless the One who comes in the Name of the Lord! 

Hail to the King of Israel!'" 

                                                   ~~ John 12:12-13 NLT ~~

Imagine it!
The adoration!
The love!
The Worship!
It would have been heady stuff!
It would have been easy to grasp hold of and hang on to!

Yesterday's adulation was still fresh that Monday morning.
And as Jesus walked the streets of the city,
people likely still cried out,
"Look! There He is!"
Some likely became followers that day.
While others began to murmur.
"The pharisees are right! Who does He think He is!"
It had begun.
And Jesus knew it had!
He could have stopped it!
But He didn't.
He walked among the people,
wooing them,
looking into their eyes
knowing He would soon die for them,
knowing they would cry for His crucifixion.
And He went forth anyway!
He loved them anyway!
He loved you anyway!
He loved me anyway!

"Truly He was the Son of God!"

May God fill you with wonder
at His sacrifice for you as this Holy week begins!
May you look into His face,
gaze into His eyes,
and watch as your sin disintegrates under the power of His mighty love!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Symphony and secrets

My Lanny Love and I went to the symphony last night.
Dinner at my place -
the roast was tasty, but tough, sigh..... -
lovely music,
and the very best company,
made for a lovely evening.

Now something you should know about my Lanny Love before I proceed
is that he is also widowed.
And that is significant to the story I'm going to tell.

I have an acquaintance that I always run into at the symphony.
She is a lovely woman,
but very chatty,
and a gossip.
So, I knew that showing up with my Lanny Love
would result in mutual friends knowing I had a date to the symphony.
I know this from experience!
So, I asked Lanny if he knew her.
He didn't think he did.

Now, there is an odd thing about dating as a widow or widower.
Well, there are lots and lots of odd things,
but I digress.
Anyway, this odd thing is people's reaction -
and by people, I mean everyone you know,
some you don't know,
and even yourself!

Most of the reactions fall into one of three categories:
"It's about time!!!"
"Already???"
"You couldn't have really loved him/her!"

In addition, almost 100% fall into the common category
"You're finally over him/her and done grieving!"

And then there's the reaction of the widowed themselves.
It's uncomfortable.
I feels a little like cheating when you first begin.
And sometimes after.
And you wonder if it's too soon.
Or if it's been too long.
Or if it's disrespectful to your love.
Or if they would mind.
Of if you will mind.

So, get two widowed individuals together,
let them start dating,
let them fall in love,
and out of the woodwork come reactions
from everywhere!

We have talked about going to church together -
we don't currently attend the same church -
but decided laying some groundwork first
was a good idea for our children's sake
since, not only will it take away
our own anonymity about dating,
it will take their's as well.

So, I asked if he knew my friend.
He didn't.
But he did know the four couples from his church
that we ran into.

So much for anonymity.
Let the reactions begin!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Wednesday was eons ago/Better?

Today is Saturday.
The last time I saw my Lanny Love was Wednesday.
It feels like eons ago!

Thursday evening, I was talking to my daughter about being in love again.
she asked a very profound question.
"Better?"
Now, to have full appreciation of the significance
of the rest of this post,
context is important here.
But I'm not going to share the context in this forum because,
well, I'm just not,
but my immediate answer was "Yes!"
to which my daughter replied,
"There you go!"

But that little snippet of conversation
set me to pondering
and for the next 36 hours
I second guessed my answer
for I had not thought of the question before.
And it's an important question in context.
Very important!
So I've been pondering.

And my original answer stands!
"Better?"
"Yes!!!!!"
"There you go!"

God is good!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

No longer twitterpated

i am no longer simply twitterpated.
oh, i am still all those things that i talked about last week,
but i am more than twitterpated.
i have fallen!
i am in love!

what is the difference you might ask.
twitterpated is feelings based.
it's that tummy tickling excitement
at the prospect of seeing him.
it's the "he's so cute!"
that is uttered a thousand times a day.
it's the anticipation of seeing him,
the anxious impatience for the next embrace,
another kiss.
it's the excitement the sound of his text tone or voice invokes.
it's good stuff,
fun stuff,
being twitterpated.
and i pray it lasts a long, long time!

but love...
love is different!
love is not all about excitement and heat and passion.
no, love is calm and steady and completely independent of feelings!
love shines brightly on when all around has gone dark!
love does not care about excitement,
for its survival has nothing to do with the exterior senses.
love is internal.
love is permanent -
no matter what!

it is scary,
i admit.
it's risky.
i've been hurt by risking it.
badly.
but he's worth the risk!
love's worth the risk!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

All men are pigs, Part Whatever.....

So I have recently added a name to my
"Not All Men Are Pigs" list.
But, sadly, the balance has not shifted.

This morning, a gentleman,
and I use the term loosely,
who has asked me out a couple times,
and to whom I have politely said "no",
said to me, "Is it true what they say about widows?"
I reply, "What's that?" -
we're at church, after all,
between worship and Sunday School,
it couldn't be what it sounded like.
But it was.
"They're hot to trot!"
I gave him a look that would be the envy of look-givers everywhere,
turned around, and walked away.
I didn't even dignify him with a reply.

Why would anyone, at any time, in any place
think that was an appropriate question
to ask a widow he wanted to go out with?
I just don't get it!

But, it got me to pondering.
I am a born and bred Nazarene.
After Al's death, I began attending a Baptist church with my girls.
It was just too hard to sit in our church alone.
So I didn't.
Nazarenes are Weslyan Armenian in their doctrine.
Baptists are Calvinist.
The primary difference is "once saved, always saved".
And this type of behaviour is why,
in my opinion,
this is a dangerous belief.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't believe it is as easy to lose our salvation
as some churches make it out to be.
But I also believe we can willingly give it up.
God does not force salvation on us
just because we once wanted to live for Him!

The Bible is clear,
even in the New Testament,
that Christians,
that is, followers of Christ,
do not participate in certain behaviours and activities.
For example, we cannot lie.
We cannot steal.
We cannot kill.
And we cannot engage in sexual immorality.
And that includes sex outside of marriage.
There are a number of verses that address this,
but I Corinthians 6:9-10 covers it pretty well.

And so it floors me that people think they can mock Christ,
mock the commitment they made to Him,
mock His great sacrifice by continued,
purposed sin in their lives,
and not lose their salvation!
If we choose to sin,
we choose to give up our salvation.
I am not talking about human nature.
I am not talking about those things we all do inadvertently.
I am talking about those things which we know
displease God and we do them anyway!
Willful acts of sin.
Knowing acts of sin!
"If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right!" acts of sin!

That is not to say Christ will not forgive those willful acts.
He surely will!
IF we are truly repentant!
But repentance is sorrow for what we have done!
Repentance is a determination to never do it again!
Repentance is giving our sinful desires back to Christ!

Now, lest you think I am a prude,
let me assure you,
I am not.
I am very healthy!
And I know it's hard!
And, yes, maybe even harder for a widow
because we are accustomed to affection leading to intimacy.
But it is sin outside of marriage.

And that's all I have to say about that!

Anniversary, Part 2

I was married to my high school sweetheart for nearly 37 years.
Yesterday, as you know if you are a regular reader,
would have been our 39th anniversary.
It is the third wedding anniversary of my widowhood.
They aren't easier exactly,
but neither are they as painful.
They are different as time moves forward.

The first was just a few weeks after his death.
It hurt tremendously
but it didn't hurt any worse than every other excruciating day.
And, the numbness effect was still in force at that point.

Last year was horrendous!
No more numbness!
Just absence.
And loneliness.
And sorrow.
And tears.

This year was filled with soft memories.
There were some tears,
but their were just as many smiles -
more smiles than tears in fact!
He would have been pleased with how I handled the day yesterday.
And that pleased me.

We started "going steady" the summer before
our freshman/sophomore years of high school
and married 10 months after I graduated.
He was a very good man!
I still miss him!
I still grieve him!
I still love him!
I always will!

I didn't think I would ever want to remarry.
Insisted I wouldn't.
But I found,
as, dear readers,
you well know,
that I missed being married.
Love makes life more full,
more joyous,
more complete.

In our last coherent conversation,
Al said that he wanted me to remarry,
have a full life.
He said I was a woman who needed to be married.
He said I needed to be loved and cared for
and needed to love and care for someone myself.
He was right.

Some people don't understand that allowing one's self to love someone new
does not mean no longer loving the person
with whom one has spent the majority of their life
living and loving!
I can love a new man with all my heart
and still love Al with all my heart as well!
The love that will grow for my future husband
will be a living, growing thing,
just as Al's and my love once was.
But the love between Al and I is now complete.
Not dead, complete.
It is no different than loving a second child
wholly and completely
while still loving the first
wholly and completely.

Al is a part of who I am,
but he is no longer a part of who I will become
outside of the traits grief has given,
and continues to give me.
And I find that,
unlike those terrible days of all-consuming sorrow,
I am now able to think of him and our lives together
with a smile,
with appreciation for the memories.

I was very blessed to be loved by such a man!
And he was very blessed to be loved by me!
And I look forward to the future,
to being loved and loving again!

Yes, life is good!
It is for living!
And loving!
And I am ready!
And God is smiling on my healing heart!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

39 Years

It was finally here!
"The" day!
I'd waited for an eternity!
Or so it seemed!
At not quite 19,
an eternity is much shorter
than it is at nearly 58.
I was so excited!
And happy!
Today it would finally happen!
I would become Al's wife!

I was barely 14 when "I" became "we".
And, while I thought other boys were cute,
I was never once tempted to break up with Al
to chase after one of them.
He was "the one".
I just knew.
And so did he.

We were very young!
We shouldn't have "known".
But we did.

And so, following a week of rain,
that first morning of spring,
that day of new beginnings,
dawned bright and clear and sunny.
And that afternoon,
I walked down the aisle toward
my handsome groom,
and never looked back!

We were privileged to share nearly 37 years
on this earth.
Even knowing all I know,
I would do it all again!

I miss you, Alfie!
I love you!
Happy anniversary, Honey!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Fragrance

It was raining when I left for work this morning.
Now where I live, rain is a big deal.
We are very dry here so we get excited over a few sprinkles.
It had rained enough that the ground was damp
but not puddling.
My deck was wet.
My car was wet.
The air was cool and misty and moist.
And it smelled wonderful!!!

It made me think about God's love for us!
He could simply send the rain.
It would meet the needs of the earth.
But He is not satisfied with simply meeting the needs.
No, He sends wonderful fragrance to please our senses!
How gracious!
How generous!

His love is like that!
He could have simply paid the price
for our salvation.
Died on the cross,
rose again.
Met our need.
Stopped there.
But He didn't!
He isn't satisfied with simply meeting our need!
He gives us fragrance - pleasures -
to tease our senses.
Because He so loves us that He wants to give us good gifts!
The fragrance of His love for us!
Amazing!

Have you inhaled His fragrant gifts to you lately?

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Twitterpated! Quite!

I am quite twitterpated.
You know,
like all the forest animals in the spring time
in the movie "Bambi".
Quite!

His text or ring tone brings an immediate smile to my face.
When I sleep I dream of him.
When I am awake, I daydream of him.
When we are together, I want to be nowhere else.
When we are apart, I want to be with him.
And he feels the same way.
He is quite wonderful!
Quite!

Yes, I am quite twitterpated.
And it is quite lovely.
Quite!

For the winter is past, 

and the rain is over and gone. 

The flowers are springing up, 

and the time of singing birds has come, 

even the cooing of turtledoves. 

The fig trees are budding, 

and the grapevines are in blossom. 

How delicious they smell! 

Yes, spring is here!"

~~ Song of Songs 2:11-13 NLT 

Prayer for Harlan

I still think of him, Lord.
I still wish it had been different.
But it isn't.
It is over.
And I'm finally okay with that, Father.
I pray You will work in his life!
I pray that You will,
for the remainder of his years,
be a persistent voice,
an insistent presence
in his heart, mind, and life.
I pray that You would bring
protection and restoration to him
and to those whose lives he touches.
I pray that we would one day meet
face-to-face in Heaven.

I release him to You,
oh my God!

Your will be done!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Learning to trust again

Trust is not an easy thing for me.
I learned early not to trust.
As an adult, I learned that
not all people are untrustworthy.
Then last year,
my trust was shattered,
I thought possibly beyond repair.
And so, I am working on trust again.

Sometimes, it is easy.
The promises are light and
it doesn't really matter
if they are broken.
But other times,
when my heart is involved,
it is terribly difficult,
and terrifying.
And so I am relearning.

Sometimes I am shocked
at how quick I have become
to distrust, to suspect.
Appalled at how guarded
my emotions are now.
And so I open up.
Share.
Do lots of self-talk
about trusting others
until they prove themselves untrustworthy.
You know,
innocent until proven guilty.

And mostly, I have relaxed.
But today is Sunday.
And last year is rearing its ugly head.
So, coming to you,
my therapist readers,
to talk it out,
see it in writing,
remind myself again,
most people are trustworthy
most of the time,
and God is trustworthy always!!!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Bridge To Terabithia

A local conservatory theater produced
"Bridge To Terabithia" this spring.
The closing performance was last night.
I love live theater,
a friend's daughter had a major role,
and my friend was the costume designer,
so I went.
For those of you who may not have read the book
or seen the movie or play,
I won't spoil it for you,
but it is a sweet, funny, and very sad
little story about coming of age
and learning about life and death.
Fantasy gives way to reality,
but in the end,
the joy of life returns
taking over fear of loss and sorrow -
and even a bit of the fantasy remains.

It was an appropriate play for me to see

at this particular moment in my life.

As I put grief and sorrow in their proper place,

I admit to being a bit fearful of another hurt.

I truly feel as if I would not survive one more loss.

But I know that is not true.

For loss is part of life.

And we do survive it!

And risk is part of life.

As my daughter so wisely stated,

careful is fine,

but one cannot find happiness

if one refuses to risk.

So here I go!
Risking it all!
One more time!
And my heart is smiling!

Sometimes it seemed to him that his life was delicate as a dandelion. One little puff from any direction, and it was blown to bits...

"When my husband died, people kept telling me not to cry. People kept trying to help me to forget. But I didn't want to forget..."

"Everybody gets scared sometimes, May Belle. You don't have to be ashamed..."

It was Leslie who had taken him from the cow pasture into Terabithia and turned him into a king. He had thought that was it. Wasn't king the best you could be? Now it occurred to him that perhaps Terabithia was like a castle where you came to be knighted. After you stayed for a while and grew strong you had to move on. For hadn't Leslie, even in Terabithia, tried to push back the walls of his mind and make him see beyond to the shining world—huge and terrible and beautiful and very fragile? (Handle with care—everything—even the predators.)

Now it was time for him to move out. She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in vision and strength.

As for the terrors ahead—for he did not fool himself that they were all behind him—well, you just have to stand up to your fear and not let it squeeze you white.

Right, Leslie?

"Right."

                                                      ~~ "Bridge To Terabithia" 

                                                                by Katherine Paterson ~~

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Smiling heart

For the first time in many, many months,
I woke this morning without a sense of
impending doom and a feeling
of sorrow and loss.
Rather, my heart felt light and happy.

My face has begun to smile
of it's own accord lately
instead of the practiced, pasted grin
that has been in place
these many months -
when I could manage it.
This morning, at last, my heart smiled too!

Thank You, Jesus!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Just feel led to share this

The following was posted by my friend, Sandra Studstill, a fellow widow and is being shared with her permission.

Author of my hope. maker of the stars, let me be Your work of art. Won't You write Your story on my heart.......
As I was sitting at the WinterJam concert last night, Francesca Battistelli was singing this song with the audience singing along and out of the blue it just hit me....do I REALLY mean those words? Do I really want to be God's work of art? And do I really want Him to write His story on my heart? And what does that look like anyway? How many chapters are in this story? And how will it end? Will the damsel in distress get her Knight in Shining Armour? The longer I stood there, the more God revealed to me that His story looks like things I never imagined such as the loss of my beloved, the death of many hopes and dreams that went along with that loss, as well as the atrocities I suffered as a child and young adult. My thought was “well, that's a pretty crappy story for You to write on my heart. Whatever happened to stories with happy endings?" But, what He also so lovingly revealed was that the story doesn't end there. There is also a story of hope and grace that one day will far outweigh the gaping wounds that are the story right now. He's in the process of mending those wounds, and I know that will take some time, but I'm finally okay with that. For the first time in a very long time, I have a sense of peace that, although this isn't the “story” that I had planned for my life, it's the story that God has had planned even before I existed. He's known my story since the beginning of time – His time. And that's what this is all about – HIS timing and HIS story written on my heart, in my life and forever etched into my soul through the blood of His Only Son. Do I still miss Michael every day? With a resounding YES, I do. I will probably miss him until the day we meet again in Heaven. But, for this moment in time, I know that what I'm living right now is God's story that He is choosing to write on my heart and I have to learn to be okay with that or else it'll eat me alive. I pray that when I am ready, the rest of His story will heal my heart and allow me to be loved again. If that's not what the Author has in mind, then so be it. However, that's what my heart desires and I pray it's in alignment with His. His timing, His will, His story....on my heart!

 WOW! Just - WOW!

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

I occasionally have to work on Saturday.
When I do, I get a half day off during the preceding week.
Today was that day.

It is warm and sunny,
     a very still day -
highly unusual for March in the Panhandle! -
     blue, blue skies,
white, fluffy clouds drifting lazily along,
     and a picnic by the lake.
Ducks and geese quacking
     and merrily dipping their heads in the water,
children laughing and clapping,
     old men sitting in chairs at lake's edge
catching their fill of trout,
     birds calling to whomever will listen.

A walk around the lake,
     good conversation,
burgeoning friendship.

Yes, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Glorious Unfolding

I intended to be asleep by now.
I have a hard time adjusting
to daylight savings time
and in addition to that,
it was a physically taxing day at work.
So I came home absolutely exhausted.
And I intended to be asleep by now.

I tucked in early, just after 8:00.
Read for a little while.
Texted a couple friends for a few minutes.
And by 9:00 the lights were out
and I was trying to sleep.

But sleep won't come.
There have been some emotional changes
happening in my heart over the last few days.
Some letting go - and the resulting sorrow.
Some welcoming - and the resulting joy.
Some decision making - and the resulting
"How do I do this?" quandry.

God is closing windows
and opening doors.
And I am done trying to open the windows.
I am walking through the doors.

It is time to say goodbye.

And tonight, there is a sense of excitement,
a sense of forward motion.
The wishing for what cannot be is still there,
and there have been some tears,
but the past is just that, past.
And whatever God's reason,
He allowed it.
And I have learned a great deal!
And I will carry that new knowledge,
that greater understanding
of my inability to fully understand,
into my future.

The Glorious Unfolding is now!
It is happening as I sit here typing.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Second, second date, Part II and other complications of widowhood

I had a lovely evening last night.
We talked for hours,

     some laughter,

          some serious.

At the end of our date,
     I knew he wanted to kiss me.
Let me just say,
     as I do to all my dates,
          I am not physically casual.
The Bible is clear that sex 
     outside of marriage
          is sin.
While I realize that a kiss is not sex,
     it is foreplay,
          even the first kiss,
               even when there is no question that it will go no further.
So, I don't kiss casually.

I watched his face,
     and knew he was debating
          whether or not to give it a shot.
The same thing happened last week
     on my second date with the other gentleman.
To my great relief,
     both of them read my body language,
          and didn't make me turn my cheek to them
               when coming in for the landing.

But unlike last week,
     this week's struggle 
          was two-sided for my date.
You see,
     like me,
          he is widowed.
He did not choose to no longer be married.
He is not trying to "get over" his wife.
And he still feels married.


I have been thinking about that a lot lately.
Still feeling married to Al.
When I first started thinking about dating,
     it was like pondering an affair.
It felt wrong.
Then I met Harlan,
     and everything felt right.
I was able to reconcile the fact that it was indeed
     possible to deeply love two men,
          be deeply committed to both of them.
Then, no more Harlan.
And dating once again felt like cheating.
I haven't been able to resolve that feeling again.

Now, I was never married to Harlan -
     other than emotionally -
          so I am not cheating on him.
And my mind knows that.
My heart is having a hard time catching up
     but it's getting there.

But my Al,
     that's a different story.
Widowhood is a strange state.
Legally, at the moment of death,
     at 4:59pm on January 28, 2013,
          I ceased to be married.
But I was still married!!!
According to the Bible,
     we will not be married in Heaven.
But I'm not in Heaven!
So, I am still married.
Al is not.
It is a conundrum!

I'm not sure why this feeling
     has returned with such vengeance.
Perhaps because I am not yet in love
     with either of these men,
          as I was - am - with Harlan,
               I don't know.
But it has returned.

I hear from other widows,
     those who have remarried,
          that this feeling changes,
               but it never really goes away.
So here we are,
     my new friend and I,
          both of us with the blessings
               of our late spouses (I hate that term!)
                    and children,
both of us lonely and ready to move forward,
     and locked in that unmarried married state.

Our pastor touched on this this morning.
He asked for a show of hands of those who
     wished there was marriage in Heaven.
My hand went up.
Then he asked for a show of hands
     of those who wished that and were married.
My hand went up,
     and quickly back down.
Because, I am no longer married.
But I am.

This widowhood thing is complicated!!!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Second, second date

Tomorrow night will be my
second, second date this week.
This is with the gentleman of the
second first date last week.
And, I am looking forward to it.
He is sweet and charming and funny.
He is smart and strong minded.
He is confident in himself
without arrogance.
He is polite and gentlemanly.
He flirts without being bawdy.
He is not pushy, yet,
I am assured of his deep interest.
He is respectful and respectable.
A mutual friend assures me,
he is exactly what he presents himself to be.
And I have to tell you that it doesn't hurt
that he is very easy on the eyes.

But most importantly,
he is deeply spiritual,
a strong Christian,
a leader in his church,
a man who clearly seeks God first.

He has promised a surprise tomorrow.
I love surprises!
I can't wait to see what he has in store!

Anticipation is delicious!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Decisions

I have made a couple major decisions today.
They will change my life.
I hope for the better,
but only time will tell.
But I feel calm about them!
No regret!

These decisions have to do with choosing joy.
I could have let things go status quo.
But I don't like who I was becoming by stalling.
So, I've forced my hand.
And off I go!

Onward and upward.
More changes, more shifting.
What an adventure this life is!

Stay tuned, more details tomorrow.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Pacific toes....

One year ago today,
on a cold, snowy Sunday morning,
I decided I'd had enough winter
and threw some things into my car
and headed west!
(I must admit to being tempted
to head out again now!)

I went from "tired of snow"

to "on the road" in less than an hour.

I told my girls I was going west

and would let them know

when I got where I was going.

I didn't get there until I hit the Pacific coast.

My second heartbreak was very fresh

that cold, snowy morning.

I was awash in sorrow and grief

for Al and now Harlan.

The Pacific coast was not far enough!

The hurt just followed me there!

But do you know what else followed me?

Every inch of the long drive there?

The Holy Spirit!

As I drove those many miles,

I looked at the beauty of God's creation,

I wept buckets and buckets,

I prayed nearly non-stop.

And the Holy Spirit was right there for all of it!

The Great Comforter!

And He really, truly is!

I sometimes think about my hurt

and realize how much worse it would be

were it not for the presence of God,

        His care,

                His concern,

                        His love,

                                His protection,

                                        His healing.

And I am so grateful!

During that trip, 

as I walked the quiet beach

and cried out to God,

I admit that the tempter came to me.

I looked at the empty beach,

I looked at the waves,

and I thought to myself

how easy it would be to just walk out into the surf,

and let it take me away.

And then, on that quiet beach,

Jesus came walking on the water.

Oh, not literally.

But He was there!

And as I reached my hand out to Him

and cried "Help me!"

He quietly drew me to Himself,

wrapped His loving arms around me.

Cried with me,

        and for me.

Just as He did for all of us on the old rugged cross!

Can you picture it?

Jesus,

hanging on the cross.

Your face in His mind's eye.

Your sorrow and grief in His heart.

Your tears rolling down His precious cheeks!

He died for your sin(s),

He died for my sin(s),

not for all mankind as a unit,

but for each of us as individuals!

And He died for all the

        heartache,

                and sorrow,

                        and loss,

                                and sickness,

                                        and all the other destruction

that the enemy ushered into the world!

What sacrifice!

        What love!

My Tears Rolled Down His Cheeks

He bore my sins upon the cross

I've oft been told it's true.

My guilt flowed down the rugged tree,

He gave me life anew.

But oftentime, it seems to me,

We stubbornly fail to see

that other's crimes were hung there too,

with Christ upon that tree!

With that in mind, we must confess,

He bore our sorrows too!

For sin's what causes grief and strife,

my sin affected you!

And now I see that on that day

when blood ran down that tree,

the pain He knew was what Id' feel

When you accosted me.

He paid the price, He looked through time,

and saw mankind was weak.

Yes, mingled with the sweat and blood,

my tears rolled down his cheeks!

 @2015

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

Relapse

I miss him tonight.
Badly.
Achingly.
Longingly.
Desperately.

I know it will pass,
but in the midst of the storm,
when the waves threaten to take me under,
It is difficult.

But I trust my God!
He has carried me safe this far!
And He will carry me through this storm as well!
And, I am learning that there is beauty even in the storms!

Thank You, Lord!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~