Second, second date, Part II and other complications of widowhood

I had a lovely evening last night.
We talked for hours,

     some laughter,

          some serious.

At the end of our date,
     I knew he wanted to kiss me.
Let me just say,
     as I do to all my dates,
          I am not physically casual.
The Bible is clear that sex 
     outside of marriage
          is sin.
While I realize that a kiss is not sex,
     it is foreplay,
          even the first kiss,
               even when there is no question that it will go no further.
So, I don't kiss casually.

I watched his face,
     and knew he was debating
          whether or not to give it a shot.
The same thing happened last week
     on my second date with the other gentleman.
To my great relief,
     both of them read my body language,
          and didn't make me turn my cheek to them
               when coming in for the landing.

But unlike last week,
     this week's struggle 
          was two-sided for my date.
You see,
     like me,
          he is widowed.
He did not choose to no longer be married.
He is not trying to "get over" his wife.
And he still feels married.


I have been thinking about that a lot lately.
Still feeling married to Al.
When I first started thinking about dating,
     it was like pondering an affair.
It felt wrong.
Then I met Harlan,
     and everything felt right.
I was able to reconcile the fact that it was indeed
     possible to deeply love two men,
          be deeply committed to both of them.
Then, no more Harlan.
And dating once again felt like cheating.
I haven't been able to resolve that feeling again.

Now, I was never married to Harlan -
     other than emotionally -
          so I am not cheating on him.
And my mind knows that.
My heart is having a hard time catching up
     but it's getting there.

But my Al,
     that's a different story.
Widowhood is a strange state.
Legally, at the moment of death,
     at 4:59pm on January 28, 2013,
          I ceased to be married.
But I was still married!!!
According to the Bible,
     we will not be married in Heaven.
But I'm not in Heaven!
So, I am still married.
Al is not.
It is a conundrum!

I'm not sure why this feeling
     has returned with such vengeance.
Perhaps because I am not yet in love
     with either of these men,
          as I was - am - with Harlan,
               I don't know.
But it has returned.

I hear from other widows,
     those who have remarried,
          that this feeling changes,
               but it never really goes away.
So here we are,
     my new friend and I,
          both of us with the blessings
               of our late spouses (I hate that term!)
                    and children,
both of us lonely and ready to move forward,
     and locked in that unmarried married state.

Our pastor touched on this this morning.
He asked for a show of hands of those who
     wished there was marriage in Heaven.
My hand went up.
Then he asked for a show of hands
     of those who wished that and were married.
My hand went up,
     and quickly back down.
Because, I am no longer married.
But I am.

This widowhood thing is complicated!!!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~