What will they say about me?

Because of our ministry,

my Lanny Love and I attend quite a few funerals.

I am always fascinated by how well

a person is reflected in the funeral service.

Now, I realize the pedestal upon which the dead are placed

can make them more saintly than they are,

but I have been to the funerals of people who had touched others

not for their betterment.

Pedestals are really not all that elevating

when it comes right down to it and

eulogies are pretty accurate in the end.

I often walk away from a funeral thinking,

"When my time comes,

I hope they say that about me!"

 

Recently, we attended the funeral of

someone my Lanny Love knew

but whom I had never met.

And more than ever before,

this funeral made me wonder

"What will they say about me?"

 

You see, when they were finished,

I felt her loss!

This woman I did not know,

        had never met,

                and I felt her loss!

Not just on behalf of the family,

        not just on behalf of her friends,

                not just on behalf of a world

                now less loving because she is not in it,

I felt a personal sense of loss!

I felt that my life would have been better

had she been a part of it,

and my life has been touched by her in her death.

 

It made me wonder.

Is my life is such that

a stranger might one day feel my loss?

Am I so godly a woman,

    so lovingly kind,

        so compassionate,

            so thoughtful,

                so good,

                    so joyful,

                        so patient,

                            so forgiving,

                                so gentle,

                                    so self-controlled

that one day a stranger might think about me,

"My life would have been better with her in it

and my life is changed because words of her

have touched it!"

So, what will people say about me

when I'm gone?

I think our eternity is pretty dependent 

upon the answer to that question

because our lives are generally

an accurate reflection of the Holy Spirit in us.

May I so closely follow Christ

that my eulogy

is a description of Him!

Whoever says that he lives in God must live as Jesus lived.

                                            ~~ I John 2:6 NCV ~~

 

So all of us who have had that veil removed 

can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. 

And the Lord - who is the Spirit - 

makes us more and more like him 

as we are changed into his glorious image.

                                                    ~~ 2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT ~~

 

But the fruit of the Spirit is 

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, 

goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control... 

                                                ~~ Galations 5:22-23 ESV ~~ 

 

 

July 3

I thought of him.

But I didn't think of the day.

Not until the following day.

In 51 years,

this is the first time.

In this tenth year of widowhood,

this is the first time.

It makes me sad.

And glad.

We always celebrated our "going steady" anniversary.

Almost more than our wedding anniversary.

Because from that moment on,

we were committed to one another.

We became "promised" just six months later at Christmas.

I was 14, he was 16. 

My mother was not happy.

We never looked back.

In this tenth year, things are different.

Harder.

Some days are really hard again.

Like my birthday - a significant one -

that he wasn't here to tease me about.

Or the day our first great grandchild was born. 

Easier.

The nightmares are gone now.

I no longer think I'm having a heart attack

from the rawness and pain of the grief.

I laugh easily and often.

When I think of him, I smile rather than cry.

 

Different. 

 

The softening of sorrow continues.

I feel deeply God's rich blessings in my life,

that blessing of having been married to an amazing man,

that blessing of being married to an amazing man. 

God gave me my Al

who brought such love and healing to my life.

Then he was gone and grief and agony reigned supreme.

For a long, long while it was extremely dark and scary.

 

God gave me my Lanny Love.

The healing He began through Al

has continued through him,

and has included a healing 

from a different kind of brokenness as well.

And the love...

    the love.......

 

I am happy -

dare I say it? -

happier than I have ever been.

Not because I am happier with one than the other,

because I am different now.

God has refined and healed in ways

I would not have believed if I had been told!

Habakkuk 1:5 

I am more whole than I was

but not as whole as I will be.

I have discovered that the more joy and happiness I allow in,

the more grief and sorrow recedes.

Sometimes that feels like losing more of my Al.

Sometimes it feels like getting more of him back.

I think It would be simultaneously joyous

and difficult

for him to see me, my life now,

to see how happy and content I am.

It is for me.

On July 3rd,

I thought of him as our family celebrated Independence Day,

as our great grandchild was enraptured by his first fireworks.

I thought of the many 4th of July celebrations we had shared.

But I did not think of our 51st "going steady" anniversary.

It makes me sad.

And glad.