Tuesday, July 5, 2022

July 3

I thought of him.
But I didn't think of the day.
Not until the following day.
In 51 years,
this is the first time.
In this tenth year of widowhood,
this is the first time.
It makes me sad.
And glad.

We always celebrated our "going steady" anniversary.
Almost more than our wedding anniversary.
Because from that moment on,
we were committed to one another.
We became "promised" just six months later at Christmas.
I was 14, he was 16. 
My mother was not happy.
We never looked back.

In this tenth year, things are different.
Harder.
Some days are really hard again.
Like my birthday - a significant one -
that he wasn't here to tease me about.
Or the day our first great grandchild was born. 

Easier.
The nightmares are gone now.
I no longer think I'm having a heart attack
from the rawness and pain of the grief.
I laugh easily and often.
When I think of him, I smile rather than cry.
 
Different. 
 
The softening of sorrow continues.
I feel deeply God's rich blessings in my life,
that blessing of having been married to an amazing man,
that blessing of being married to an amazing man. 

God gave me my Al
who brought such love and healing to my life.
Then he was gone and grief and agony reigned supreme.
For a long, long while it was extremely dark and scary.
 
God gave me my Lanny Love.
The healing He began through Al
has continued through him,
and has included a healing 
from a different kind of brokenness as well.
And the love...
    the love.......
 
I am happy -
dare I say it? -
happier than I have ever been.
Not because I am happier with one than the other,
because I am different now.
God has refined and healed in ways
I would not have believed if I had been told!
Habakkuk 1:5 
I am more whole than I was
but not as whole as I will be.

I have discovered that the more joy and happiness I allow in,
the more grief and sorrow recedes.
Sometimes that feels like losing more of my Al.
Sometimes it feels like getting more of him back.

I think It would be simultaneously joyous
and difficult
for him to see me, my life now,
to see how happy and content I am.
It is for me.

On July 3rd,
I thought of him as our family celebrated Independence Day,
as our great grandchild was enraptured by his first fireworks.
I thought of the many 4th of July celebrations we had shared.
But I did not think of our 51st "going steady" anniversary.

It makes me sad.
And glad.
 





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