The last first date

He beat me to the restaurant

that was always my "first date" choice

since it allowed escape from the parking lot

without being followed.

You'd be surprised...

 

And there he was...

He was standing in the lobby

directly across from the door.

I recognized him immediately since,

unlike most men I'd met,

he mostly looked like his profile pictures -

but better!

Much, much better!!!

 

We had spent a significant amount of time

emailing from the eHarmony site,

copious, deep, revealing emails.

I'd done my due diligence,

including discovering a mutual friend

who gave him a ringing endorsement!

 

I was already half in love when I agreed to a date.

 

We spent three hours that night

across from each other in a booth -

an untouched bowl of chips and salsa between us.

What a man!

Giving up chips and salsa

because I couldn't eat them

during my Lent commitment!

 

We talked and laughed.

We shared some deep, serious moments.

We never left our seats.

For three hours.

For people of a certain age -

which we were -

that's significant!

Suddenly we looked around and realized

we were the only customers in the restaurant

and chairs were being stacked on the tables!

It was time to go!

 

He walked me to my car

where we stood and talked for another 15 - 20 minutes.

Then, he stood in the same spot and watched

as I drove away.

No need to be sure I wasn't being followed!

What a gentleman he was!

 

It was my last first date!

 

A few weeks later we exchanged our first of many

"I love you!"s

And just over nine months later,

we exchanged wedding vows.

 

Our path to great love 

and contentment with one another 

was not easy!

But then things worth having rarely are!

It was grief filled!

It was lonely!

Even during our dating months

there were feelings of confusion;

feelings of guilt, as if we were cheating;

there was a scary moment of potential heartbreak where,

on one of my tearful walks

during our isolation from one another,

the Holy Spirit whispered,

"Do you trust Me?

Then trust Me with this!"

and I knew for certain that I was ready,

that he was the one and that, 

if his time of seeking God revealed he wasn't ready,

I would wait for as long as it took. 

Turned out he was ready too.

That long week in May

resulted in a whole-hearted giving of ourselves

to one-another and a basic time-line to marriage.

 

We have marveled many times

over the things we had in common,

the ways we can see from before we even knew one another,

that God's intention was to bring us together.

We marvel at, from the beginning, 

how similar our thoughts are.

How similar our desires.

How similar our tastes.

How we say and do "couple" things,

and always have,

that normally take years of marriage.

How it feels like we've always known one another.

 

In my life, I have received many incredible gifts!

But, outside of salvation, 

the greatest gift,

    the most amazing gift,

        the most marvelous gift, 

is the gift God gave me in this remarkable man,

    this healing relationship,

        this "beauty from ashes",

            my extraordinary husband, 

                my Lanny Love!

 

I am so glad for that February 28th eight years ago

when God brought together two widowed individuals

for their last first dates

and over the next months,

grew them into one!

I didn't really understand Job before my Lanny Love.

How could new children be fulfilling and joyous

when the first children were still lost???

Now I understand!

After Job had prayed for his friends,

the LORD restored his fortunes 

and gave him twice as much as he had before. 

                                                                        ~~ Job 42:10 ~~ 

 

Our first photo together about six weeks after we met

 

A funny thing happened...

It really wasn't funny,

it was actually quite delightful,

a lovely experience.

It wasn't the first time something similar happened,

but it was the most unusual.

 

Recently, we met a young man

while picking up a FB Marketplace purchase.

Negotiations were settled to both our satisfactions

and the sale was final when we arrived

so I don't believe there was anything "kissy" about it.

 

When we arrived at his home,

I texted that we were there

and as we walked up the path

talking and holding hands,

he opened the door and exclaimed,

"Y'all are rock stars!"

Now this was shortly after the Superbowl

and we giggled as we thought of the commercial.

As we entered his home,

he continued to stare at us.

Several times he commented on

how he could see the love we had for one another.

We briefly shared our story,

commenting on how God had so richly blessed us!

Finally, as we were leaving with our lamps, he said,

"I want what you have someday!"

 

Now people often comment on our glowing love.

It is obvious in our countenance and our actions.

Even relative strangers,

people we have only recently met,

even people met on the same day,

see and comment on our obvious love and respect for one another.

But this is the first time 

there was such an immediate reaction.

And it is lovely to know our love is so radiant. 

But it gave me pause as well.

Is my love and respect for Christ so radiant

that others immediately see it

and want what I have?

 

Once upon a time...

...and they lived happily ever after.

 

We all want the fairy tale, don't we?

We want Prince Charming

    and the castle

        and the horse-drawn carriage.

 

But the fairy tale doesn't come without a price!

There's the wicked step-mother 

with the poison apple.

(Is "wicked" step-mother even a real thing???) 

    The wicked step-sisters

    with the dirty hearth.

        The wicked witch

        with her tall tower. 

 

At the beginning of "once upon a time"

life is good,

filled with love and light.

At the end is "happily ever after".

But that middle stuff really stinks!

It feels unsurvivable!

It's dark and heavy and lonely!

It's that way in real life!

I got the "happily ever after"

with my Lanny Love

and he with me!

And I love our fairy tale

that is not fairy tale at all

but, rather, delightful reality!

But the happily ever after,

fairy tale life

came with a price.

Widowhood is hard!!!

My Lanny Love felt life held nothing.

I felt that life held nothing.

It felt unsurvivable!

But it wasn't!

 

And, really, don't you suppose

Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and Rapunzel

all thought the ending was worth the middle?

I sure do!

Now, "happily ever after"

may not mean remarriage for you.

 

For example, Hansel and Gretel didn't involve marriage.

Nor did Little Red Riding Hood. 

Or Jack in the Beanstalk.

But they all lived happily ever after!

 

God has a plan!

And this time of deep sorrow and loneliness

is survivable!!!

Hang on...

...Your happily ever after won't look like mine...

 

...But your happily ever after is there!

 

How do you get it?

Quit living in and for the past.

    I know that's not easy!

    It takes work and determination and trust in God!

    You can do it!!!

 

Quit expecting God's version of your happily ever after

to look like yours.

    I know that's not easy!

    It takes work and determination and trust in God!

    You can do it!!! 

 

Accept His gifts, 

they're far better than you could hope or imagine!

  

 

I will restore to you the years 

that the swarming locust has eaten, 

the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, 

my great army, which I sent among you. 

“You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, 

and praise the name of the Lord your God, 

who has dealt wondrously with you. 

                                                ~~ Joel 2:25-26 ~~

How do I love thee...

I wish I had the ability

to create poetry that would

through generations of lovers

be used to express

"the depth and breadth and height"

of romantic love for another.

~~ How Do I Love Thee (Sonnet 43), Elizabeth Barrett Browning ~~

 

I wish I possessed the genius

to pen and compose a great song

to sing how "I'm born again"

with his amazing love

~~ With You I'm Born Again, Carol Connors, David Shire

Recorded by Billy Preston & Syreeta Wright ~~

I wish that my words

of love, passion, admiration and respect

for my most beloved

could inspire God Himself

to use them as instruction and example

of true, deep, romantic love

for all of time to come.

~~ Song of Songs (Solomon), The Bible ~~

 

But then, there are no words after all

that would adequately convey

the wonder that is my Lanny Love

and how deeply we are one together.

 

But I wish there were...

 

I have found the one my soul loves

                                        ~~ Song of Songs 3:4 ~~

Ten years...

An entire decade!

How is that even possible???

Is it even real?

Was that life a figment of my imagination?

Are you???

 

An entire decade since I last saw your face. 

An entire decade since I "tucked you in"

    one last time...

This day was harder than the one five days earlier

    when you drew your last breath

for it was the last day you would be

    physically with me.

And there was no softening by the gratitude

    that you were no longer suffering

        only the knowledge that I was seeing you

            for the last time.

 

I can feel your presence recently.

You are "with" me constantly again.

Mostly now, you are my shadow, 

there even at the brightest, overhead noonday sun

and there in even the darkest midnight.

You follow me through this life with which God has blessed me.

My shadow, constant in your presence,

    coexisting with me as I move forward,

        but out of reach,

            now a black and white and gray water painting.

 

But sometimes,

    sometimes you are more than shadow.

Sometimes you are palpable,

    somehow physical in your presence,

        as if I can touch you,

            hear your voice,

                smell your scent,

vivid in your color, 

    almost within my reach,

        walking and contributing as if you were still here.

 

I was heartbroken when your colors began to fade,

    to run and blur,

        when you began to be shadow.

I felt I was losing you again, 

    more deeply than I already had.

But as time moved on,

I realized that it was for my benefit that this happened.

I couldn't really live 

    while I only walked fully with your memory.

 

I love your shadow now.

And I love those brief moments when you are more.

But can I tell you honestly?

Will you be hurt if I say it out loud?

It's uncomfortable and difficult when you are more

    for an extended period of time.

Because you are not, in fact, physically here.

You are, in fact, physically dead.

And walking fully with you in memory ten years later

    still inhibits my ability to 

        fully live in the amazing life God has given me.

It's uncomfortable, disconcerting, confusing.

 

You were another life.

That was so hard to face

     as I contemplated dating and remarriage.

This year I have relived those days over and over,

both the good ones and the difficult ones.

The missing has, again, become acute.

The longing has returned.

The loving has remained...

    ...as it will for always.

I love the life we shared!

 

But I love my current life too! 

And can I risk another admission?

I wouldn't change my current life if I could

    and I'm anxious for this to pass...

 

So here I am, ten years later,

laying you to rest once again.

It is infinitely different from that first time,

but similar to the other times I have done it since

and, I suspect, similar to those future times.

Rest well, my Alfie, rest well.

 

Ten years. 

An entire decade.

How is that even possible...

 

 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.

                        ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 ~~