Ten years...

An entire decade!

How is that even possible???

Is it even real?

Was that life a figment of my imagination?

Are you???

 

An entire decade since I last saw your face. 

An entire decade since I "tucked you in"

    one last time...

This day was harder than the one five days earlier

    when you drew your last breath

for it was the last day you would be

    physically with me.

And there was no softening by the gratitude

    that you were no longer suffering

        only the knowledge that I was seeing you

            for the last time.

 

I can feel your presence recently.

You are "with" me constantly again.

Mostly now, you are my shadow, 

there even at the brightest, overhead noonday sun

and there in even the darkest midnight.

You follow me through this life with which God has blessed me.

My shadow, constant in your presence,

    coexisting with me as I move forward,

        but out of reach,

            now a black and white and gray water painting.

 

But sometimes,

    sometimes you are more than shadow.

Sometimes you are palpable,

    somehow physical in your presence,

        as if I can touch you,

            hear your voice,

                smell your scent,

vivid in your color, 

    almost within my reach,

        walking and contributing as if you were still here.

 

I was heartbroken when your colors began to fade,

    to run and blur,

        when you began to be shadow.

I felt I was losing you again, 

    more deeply than I already had.

But as time moved on,

I realized that it was for my benefit that this happened.

I couldn't really live 

    while I only walked fully with your memory.

 

I love your shadow now.

And I love those brief moments when you are more.

But can I tell you honestly?

Will you be hurt if I say it out loud?

It's uncomfortable and difficult when you are more

    for an extended period of time.

Because you are not, in fact, physically here.

You are, in fact, physically dead.

And walking fully with you in memory ten years later

    still inhibits my ability to 

        fully live in the amazing life God has given me.

It's uncomfortable, disconcerting, confusing.

 

You were another life.

That was so hard to face

     as I contemplated dating and remarriage.

This year I have relived those days over and over,

both the good ones and the difficult ones.

The missing has, again, become acute.

The longing has returned.

The loving has remained...

    ...as it will for always.

I love the life we shared!

 

But I love my current life too! 

And can I risk another admission?

I wouldn't change my current life if I could

    and I'm anxious for this to pass...

 

So here I am, ten years later,

laying you to rest once again.

It is infinitely different from that first time,

but similar to the other times I have done it since

and, I suspect, similar to those future times.

Rest well, my Alfie, rest well.

 

Ten years. 

An entire decade.

How is that even possible...

 

 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.

                        ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 ~~