4:59 P.M.

An entire decade!

How is that even possible???

Is it even real?

Was that life a figment of my imagination?

Are you???

 

No.

That life was real!

You were real!

You are real!

You are simply different now.

You are no longer here with me physically.

But, oh my, you are still very real!

 

Ten years ago I held you and listened.

I counted the heartbeats.

I counted the breaths.

Then the silence.

It was the worst

and the most precious moment of my life!

 

Walking you Home was hard!!!

I mean it was hard!!!

Seeing your suffering,

watching you disintegrate...

There was a measure of relief in that silence.

But oh my goodness, the agony that washed over me!

Blinding, suffocating, crushing in its intensity!!!

 

Unexpected!

 

I knew I would grieve!

But you lingered far longer,

months longer,

than anticipated.

And that last month you were in agony.

We had stopped praying for another day

and started praying that the angels would come quickly.

 

I anticipated relief for you.

I anticipated grief.

I did not anticipate the tidal wave that hit in those moments of initial silence.

And it was only the beginning.

It hurt like that, and worse,

for a long, long, long time!

I didn't think I would survive!

I didn't think I could survive!

I was sure several times that I was actually dying.

But I wasn't.

And I did survive.

And now, it's ten years later.

Ten years.

 

This month has been hard.

This tenth year has been hard.

I have grieved you with great pain again.

You have been very near.

And so very, very far away.

I've had to pay attention this month.

I've had to think about not using your name...

I'm not sure I haven't......

That hasn't happened in several years.

 

Everything was harder this year.

Your birthday was harder.

My birthday was harder.

Father's Day and Mother's Day were harder.

Christmas was harder.

Our wedding anniversary was harder.

Our "going steady-aversary" was harder.

Grayson was born and I wept in joy -

    and deep sorrow at your absence.

Everything was marked with significance

and a big, bold, bright red

 

10!!! 

It was harder.

Everything was harder.

 

Some years are like that.

 

I miss you!

Our daughters miss you!

We've talked about you a lot this year!

All three of us have missed you more this year!

 

But what a celebration you are enjoying!!!

And I wouldn't take that away from you!!!

Not for all the relief in the world!!!

 

 

 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, 

and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. 

All these things are gone forever.

                                ~~ Revelation 21:4