Monday, January 2, 2023

Fascinated

I am a woman.
Wholly.
There is very little about me 
that might be considered traditionally masculine traits.
I am mostly emotion based.
Sometimes that's fun.
Sometimes not so much.
I am passionate.
Sometimes that's fun.
Sometimes not so much.
I can be very adult -
and very childlike.
I came into life with baggage.
You'll just have to trust me on that.
My baggage grew through the years.
 
I am a complicated woman.
Yes, you may feel sorry for my Lanny Love.
Have I mentioned that he is a saint?
Well he is!
 
One of the complications is that
I struggle with situational/emotional/seasonal/chemical depression.
As the years have gone by
I have learned tools to help me when I am in an "episode"
so the fall-out is less.
Thank You, Daddy God!!!
 
There is no rhyme or reason to when the depression hits.
Oh, there are triggers for the blues,
but other than the seasonal,
there is no particular pattern or warning,
it just hits.
Sometimes it is very sudden.
That tends to be chemical or sunshine related.
Sometimes it is more gradual.
That tends to be emotional.
Situational can go either way depending on where I am in the others.
 
Sometimes it is short lived,
more "blues" than depression.
Other times it is longer,
weeks or months.
 
Just before Covid hit,
I began the decline.
I recognized it.
I began the process of coping and getting safely through.
It turned out to be a long one.
I am just really beginning to come out of it.
 
This episode has had all the factors.
It started out as chemical.
That often kicks off the emotional response.
Covid hit and we were stuck indoors
so situational and sunshine became a factor.
 
The hard thing about depression is that
once one type begins to include the others,
it compounds and worsens.
It becomes a cycle that is hard to break.
Think of the merry-go-rounds we rode as kids,
spinning faster and faster,
tummy getting sicker and sicker,
but jumping off is scary and dangerous.
You do jump, but right back on you go.
Jump, back on, jump, back on, jump, back on...
Until eventually, the thing stops spinning altogether,
your tummy settles,
and you step off and go joyfully on to the swings.
Depression, for me, like the merry-go-round,
speeds up more quickly than it winds down.

The merry-go-round is winding down.
The past year has been less depression
and more blues - flat, dull, colorless.
But color is returning!
 
One of my childlike aspects is
the ability to be fascinated by absolutely nothing.
I can still find wonder in clouds
    and birds floating on wind currents
        and Christmas lights
            and a pretty butterfly
                and a unique leaf
and so on and so on and so on. 
This ability is one of the things I lose
during a depressive state.
And I always miss it.
And I always try to manufacture it.
But until God sees me through the episode,
it can't be manufactured.
 
I have been thinking about that recently.
The ability is not yet fully back,
but it's getting there.
The other night,
I found myself fascinated by something quite ordinary -
and extremely unordinary!
Oh the rejoicing!!!
 
I don't do New Year resolutions.
They tend to push me into at least the blues
and sometimes into depression
when I fail.
And, you know, we almost always fail at those don't we?!
I tried goals for a couple years.
That worked a little better,
but not much.
 
Then the word of the year became a thing.
While I realize that it is in reality
another way to make a resolution or set a goal,
somehow it is different.
For me it is more focus than resolution or goal.
It's not something to accomplish,
a thing or place to reach,
it is simply a word,
a concept on which to ponder.
Something to watch for in one's life.
Since words are my "thing"
it works for me.
 
So this year, my word is "fascinated".
I want to practice noticing when I am fascinated.
Sometimes I will talk about it.
Sometimes I will just enjoy it.
But I want to practice noticing it every time! 

Today, I noticed the wind.
We get a lot of wind,
and truthfully, I dislike it.
It can be a trigger for me.
But today as I was sitting at our dining table
looking out at the dog and our "mountain" back yard,
    I noticed the wind.
        I noticed how the natural flora danced and waved.
            I noticed how the fluffy, white clouds scuttled across the blue, blue sky. 
                I noticed how the the naked trees bent and swayed, but did not break.
                    I noticed how the dog's coat ruffled in the breeze.
                        I noticed how the birds dipped and rose with the currents.
It made me want to run out there and experience it!
So I did!
    And I noticed how it lifted my hair,
        how it ruffled my shirt,
            how it chilled my skin,
                how it pushed against me and with me as I turned.
Fascinating!
 
 
"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
                    ~~ Romans 5:8 ~~

2 comments:

  1. Thank You!! While I'm not widowed, your blog has been a blessing and an encouragement. Stay the course--I think you must be on a roll :-)
    On another note, looking at the photo you posted makes me wonder if we share a similar locale or if you just happened to pick it from "the archives" (whatever they may be). We had wind, too (as I type, it's still blowy & blustery out there but definitely worth appreciating). May the Lord keep you acutely aware of His glories & love as the days (& nights!) of the soul come and go!
    Bobbie in sunny (but not today) southern NM
    "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" - Matt 6:27 NIV

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and for reading! My prayer is that my vulnerability helps others who haven't been there understand a bit more and to help those who have feel less alone and that they can more than exist, they can live and thrive, they CAN love again without forgetting or dishonoring their first beloved!

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