Why?

I get asked that fairly often.

"Why do you talk about Al in front of Lanny?"

Why do you write about him?

Isn't that embarrassing for Lanny?

Doesn't it make him uncomfortable?"

"No," I say, "He talks about Judy too.

They are gone, but we haven't forgotten them.

They are no longer physically part of our lives,

but they will always be part of our lives emotionally."

"But it makes others uncomfortable!"

I sometimes hear.

"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable"

is my normal reply.

But that's not the whole of it.

I didn't realize that until this week

when a couple exterior events revealed it quite suddenly.

It's not the whole of the "why".

Here's the rest.

I do it in writing,

especially here where most of my readers are widowed,

for others as well as myself.

I do it for you.

This blog started about 10 months into my widowhood.

I needed to blog.

I had used Caring Bridge during Al's illness

and continued to use it for several years

following his death

because his sickness gave way to mine -

heart sickness.

(A book of those journal entries is in the works.)

Eventually, I wanted -needed -

a place to begin to live again

not only to grieve.

 

And so I began to "muse" here.

I talked about the challenges

and successes of my journey as a widow.

    I talked about discovering who I was.

        I talked about learning to do things

        someone else had always done.

            I talked about dating.

                I talked about life.

                My life.

And I talked about Al.

 

Because, despite wanting a place of life,

I was, in fact, still grieving. 

And, though it is different now,

softer, more gentle, more manageable,

I still am.

And so is my Lanny Love.

And I think it's important that others,

especially those going into remarriage,

know that.

 

I wish I had realized remarriage

would not change my love for my Al.

It would have made things a little easier

during the dating process.

And, to be honest,

I'd have saved myself - and some others -

a lot of heartache.

Thankfully, by the time I remarried

I did know that.

But many do not

and it often causes problems in their marriages

and in their own emotional and mental well-being.

And so I talk and write.

Because I still love my Al.

And because others need to know.

The widowed need to know.

Those who know the widowed need to know.

People die,

love does not,

not even in remarriage,

not even in joyous new love. 

 

I am a normal woman!

There are times that I really and truly wish

I was my Lanny Love's "only"

and he was mine.

Because sometimes it is uncomfortable

being loved in addition to.

And sometimes it is uncomfortable

loving two men.

And that's okay.

It's part of this life that is remarriage after widowhood.