Aftermath

It's been a long while since I had a sleepless night.

This is shaping up to be one.

 

In the last few days

two friends have heard the C-word.

In the aftermath of the death of a spouse,

I have found a number of things to be true.

One of those truths is that 

the C-word strikes terror within me.

For them.

For myself.

 

I have been working on my book

taken from the pages of my journal

during my Al's illness 

and the days following his death.

It is a labor of...

I started to say love,

but it is a need!

I must write it,

feel compelled to do so.

But it is not easy.

 

It dredges up all those feelings.

It renews the grief.

It also strikes terror within me.

Because in remarriage...

                        ...it could happen again.

 

And so tonight, I am not sleeping.

Instead, I am afraid.

    I laid very still in my bed.

        I shifted around.

            I snuggled against my Lanny Love,

            felt his warmth,

            listened to his heart beat.

                I prayed.

                    I gave him to God.

                        I gave my fears to Him.

                            I took them back.

                                I gave them again.

                                    I took them back.

 

Finally, I got up.

What to do for the rest of the night?

"Write!" He said.

"Share your heart, your fears.

Use the tools I created in you to work through this with Me!" 

Professionals call it PTSD,

this trauma that lies dormant

then suddenly springs to life without warning

triggered by unexpected things.

Or by nothing at all.

Some Christians call it lack of faith.

Lack of trust.

God calls it being a child.

And He lets us be afraid in His loving arms.

    He comforts.

        He soothes.

            He listens.

And when the fears wash over us again,

He does it again.

Our Daddy God is a parent - a Daddy - in these times.

And just as with our children,

whom we comfort and soothe and hold close

when they cry out in the night from some terror,

He does the same.

Even as adults,

my children reach out to me for help

in the midst of their fears and questions -

And I am there for them!

We are made in His image

so if we love our children through terror of 

    the unknown,

        unseen,

            unreasonable,

                imagined,

                    anticipated,

                        dreaded

                            bad, bad things,

how much more our Daddy God loves us through ours!

How much more our Daddy God holds us close!

How much more our Daddy God does not ridicule or criticize our fears

but rather, helps us get through them.

 

 He is "there" for us!

So here I am,

sitting in my office at my computer,

me and my Daddy God.

    Walking through His Word together.

        Talking about Deborah.

            Talking about Greg and Jennifer.

                Talking about my Lanny Love.

                    Talking about my faith, my trust, my fears.

Giving it all to Him.

Again.

Now all praise to God for his wonderful kindness to us 

and his favor that he has poured out upon us 

because we belong to his dearly loved Son.  

So overflowing is his kindness toward us 

that he took away all our sins through the blood of his Son, 

by whom we are saved;  

and he has showered down upon us the richness of his grace—

for how well he understands us and knows what is best for us at all times.

 

                                                                                        ~~ Ephesians 1:6-8 TLB ~~