Why?

I get asked that fairly often.

"Why do you talk about Al in front of Lanny?"

Why do you write about him?

Isn't that embarrassing for Lanny?

Doesn't it make him uncomfortable?"

"No," I say, "He talks about Judy too.

They are gone, but we haven't forgotten them.

They are no longer physically part of our lives,

but they will always be part of our lives emotionally."

"But it makes others uncomfortable!"

I sometimes hear.

"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable"

is my normal reply.

But that's not the whole of it.

I didn't realize that until this week

when a couple exterior events revealed it quite suddenly.

It's not the whole of the "why".

Here's the rest.

I do it in writing,

especially here where most of my readers are widowed,

for others as well as myself.

I do it for you.

This blog started about 10 months into my widowhood.

I needed to blog.

I had used Caring Bridge during Al's illness

and continued to use it for several years

following his death

because his sickness gave way to mine -

heart sickness.

(A book of those journal entries is in the works.)

Eventually, I wanted -needed -

a place to begin to live again

not only to grieve.

 

And so I began to "muse" here.

I talked about the challenges

and successes of my journey as a widow.

    I talked about discovering who I was.

        I talked about learning to do things

        someone else had always done.

            I talked about dating.

                I talked about life.

                My life.

And I talked about Al.

 

Because, despite wanting a place of life,

I was, in fact, still grieving. 

And, though it is different now,

softer, more gentle, more manageable,

I still am.

And so is my Lanny Love.

And I think it's important that others,

especially those going into remarriage,

know that.

 

I wish I had realized remarriage

would not change my love for my Al.

It would have made things a little easier

during the dating process.

And, to be honest,

I'd have saved myself - and some others -

a lot of heartache.

Thankfully, by the time I remarried

I did know that.

But many do not

and it often causes problems in their marriages

and in their own emotional and mental well-being.

And so I talk and write.

Because I still love my Al.

And because others need to know.

The widowed need to know.

Those who know the widowed need to know.

People die,

love does not,

not even in remarriage,

not even in joyous new love. 

 

I am a normal woman!

There are times that I really and truly wish

I was my Lanny Love's "only"

and he was mine.

Because sometimes it is uncomfortable

being loved in addition to.

And sometimes it is uncomfortable

loving two men.

And that's okay.

It's part of this life that is remarriage after widowhood.

T-minus Three Days...

Christmas is almost here!

The excitement,

    The wrapping,

        The Christmas trees,

            The special once-a-year food treats,

The empty chair........

 

Even in joyous remarriage,

the empty chair looms large!

It always makes me think of the Big Texan,

a tourist attraction restaurant in Amarillo, Tx,

"Home of the 72 oz. steak"

and a HUGE rocking chair!

 

The empty chair is always there,

but there are days when it is larger

and from Thanksgiving to Christmas

seems to be one of those times universally!

 

I am blessed to love and be loved by

a man who understands the empty chair all too well.

That doesn't sound right

but you know what I mean...

We talk about it,

that empty chair and

about the beloveds whose presence is missing.

We both have other empty chairs,

but none so large as the two created by 

my Al and his Judy.

 

At this time of year,

and those other times when, for you -

and for your children -

the chair grows huge,

it is easy to focus on what we've lost.

Some years more than others.

 

But, oh my, how much we have for which to be grateful!!!

For those of us who have remarried,

even for those of you in remarriages that struggle,

We have MUCH for which to be thankful!

Warm arms,

    Hearing the words "I love you!"

        Someone to gift,

            Someone for whom you can prepare special treats,

A new filled chair!

What a joyous, blessed gift we have been given!!!

A sweet friend, a fellow remarried widow,

posted this on her blog recently.

"...we have to open our hands to receive the gift; or the gift does not benefit us or give us any joy."

How profound!!! 

The gift I have been given in my Lanny Love

surpasses any gift I have ever received other than salvation!

And the gift of him

reminds me of that only greater gift.

Before my Lanny Love there was only

Loneliness - aching, longing, constant loneliness

Melancholy bordering on, and often crossing into, depression

A sense of empty, incompleteness

Unrest - emotionally and literally

A sense of lostness

Emptiness

God was there, absolutely.

But His Word is clear:

It is not good for the man to be alone, 

so I will create a companion for him, a perfectly suited partner.

                                            ~~ Genesis 2:18 ~~

And so, our good and gracious God

saw fit to bring my Lanny Love and I together,

and we are as perfectly suited to one another

as two imperfect people can be!

And now there is

Serving God together

 Mutual great love

Mutual deep respect

Mutual absolute admiration

A sense of belonging

Companionship

Completeness

Happiness

Content

Rest

Redemption

Restoration

These are the things we focus on,

my Lanny Love and I.

We are aware of the empty chairs.

We acknowledge and talk about them.

We talk about the memories.

We miss them.

We love them.

But we no longer live in yesterday.

We live in today.

I don't understand why

God chose provide these things

for the two of us

and not for others.

I just know that, for us,

remarriage has been offered,

            accepted,

                        and a great, great blessing!

And, yes, I think it does make those empty chairs

easier to face because they are shared.

So, for those of you who are remarried

and struggling with the empty chair this season,

I would encourage you to face them,

look at them squarely,

remember what you've lost,

and then look at what you have.

Praise God for His provision

of additional love.

 

For those of you still single,

whether you are single because you choose to be

or are seeking a mate,

there are great days ahead of you!

There are gifts just waiting for you to open your hands -

my hands -

and receive them.

My daughter and I were talking about this today.

I would also encourage you to open the conversation

to your children.

They miss their daddy, their momma

just as we miss our spouses.

Listen, understand, accept their feelings

of loss and loneliness -

and maybe even, just for a second, resentment

that there is a new chair,

one that may feel like,

even thought it isn't,

a replacement.

 

And, something I had never thought about,

be aware that they not only miss the person 

who is not in the empty chair,

they miss the person who is still there -

but isn't.

We are different after the loss of a spouse.

I am different.

My Lanny Love is different.

And about the time we began to be familiar again,

things change and we again become different 

as two merge into one.

 

We are different with our new spouses in remarriage

than we were with our children's mom or dad who is gone.

It looks different,

    it sounds different,

        it feels strange and awkward -

            especially if your children were not there for the courtship.

And, no matter how much they love us,

no matter how much they love our new spouses,

it feels uncomfortable and "off".

May your Christmas be joyous!

May we remember the Christ-child,

He who came that we may receive His great gift

of love and eternal redemption and restoration!

Merry Christmas!

Today, One Who saves from the punishment of sin 

has been born in the city of David. 

He is Christ the Lord.

                                        ~~ Luke 2:11 ~~