Fearful Procrastination

Do you ever procrastinate?
I do!

All!

The!

Time!

Oh, I don't just watch T.V.

Or read a book.

Or daydream.

I do other useful things.

Like clean.

Like cook.

Like blog.

But often,

like today,

those other things are simply distractions

allowing me to put off doing something else.

Now, eventually,

those something else's have to be accomplished.

Putting them off,

distracting myself with other things,

doesn't change that.

Most of the time,

the procrastinated task is something unpleasant

and so,

off it is put for as long as possible.

While that is really rather foolish

since it just keeps the dread alive,

it really doesn't hurt anything and

it does get other needed tasks finished as well.

But sometimes,

like today,

it is fearful procrastination.

And that's a problem.

I have, for several months,

been trying to be accepted into a program.

Finally this week,

I received the anticipated email.

All I have to do to get started

is successfully complete a test.

And I'm scared.

What if I fail?

What if I'm not as smart as I think I am?

What if I'm not as detail oriented as I assume?

What if my perfectionist tendencies aren't enough?

What if I don't measure up?

What if -

dare I say it? -

What if I'm not good enough?

Now, each moment that I put this test off

eats into needed time to finish it.

Each moment means less time

to get it right.

Each moment means more overlooked details are likely.

Each moment....

increases my chance of failure.

Fear is the enemy!!!

It is an emotion of satan,

not of God!

And it occurs to me that

even if this test doesn't turn out the way I hope,

the real test is in my ability to overcome the fear.

To trust in my God to know what is best for me!

So, off I go,

to take the test over the remaining

three days I have to get it

completed and submitted.

I care if I pass or not,
but this test is not the important one!

It is vital that I honor my God

and pass this little trust test!

May He find me at the top of my class!

Lost Diamonds

Shortly after my Al was diagnosed with terminal cancer,
the diamond in my engagement ring fell out.
We looked everywhere and couldn't find it.
I was heartbroken.
Not only was the symbol of our love gone,
it felt like an omen.

And then a miracle happened!
My best girl friend dropped by
and on her way out the door,
she spotted my diamond,
glittering in the welcome mat at the front door.
I was thrilled!
But, to be honest, it didn't feel like an omen.
And it wasn't.

We had the diamond remounted,
we were assured it was secure.
Just six months after his death,
it fell out again
and was permanently lost.
I cried buckets!
And I just didn't understand!
I have to admit,
I yelled at God in bitter disappointment

and anger

and heartache. 

He had taken my Al, I said,

and now He had taken my diamond

that had set on my finger for nearly 40 years.

I'd have been upset if Al had been alive and well.

But he was dead and I was devastated!

Habakkuk felt the way I felt that day.

He cried out to the Lord.

Asked how long

God was going to allow suffering

and do nothing about it!

He was bitterly disappointed in the state of things.

And he said so.

And then God answered!

"Watch and be utterly amazed

for I am going to do something

in your day

that you would not believe

if you were told!"

                                        ~~ Habakkuk 1:5

"Utterly amazed"

Isn't that just the most awesome thing!

God is in the business of utter amazement!

In the devastation that is sometimes part of life -

thanks to satan -

God has a plan!

And it IS an amazing plan!

While we may never understand the devastation -

I will never understand why my diamond is gone,

or why people get sick,

or why they die -

God is in the midst of it!

And He is doing something

you wouldn't believe even if you were told!

January is past

Let me start this blog by saying
how wonderfully happy I am
in my marriage to my Lanny Love!
What a great blessing
our God has given us
in one another!
A repeated theme in the Bible
is one of restoration
and how amazingly He has restored us!

But while restoration
soothes the past,
it does not erase it.
My sweet Lanny Love
commented recently
how happy he was that God
brought us together,
that He knew we needed one another,
that we understood one another's
joy in the midst of sorrow.
That is such a truth!
Only someone who has experienced
this confusing dichotomy
of joy and grief at the same time
can fully appreciate
the confusion
that sometimes comes with

remarriage in widowhood.

My Lanny Love
is joyfully and happily
married to me.
He loves me!
And he always will!
And, he was joyfully and happily
married to his Judy.
He loved her!
And he still does and always will!
And before me,
he really missed her!
And he still does and always will!

I am
joyfully and happily
married to my Lanny Love.
I love him!
And I always will!
And, I was joyfully and happily
married to my Al.
I loved him!
And I still do and always will!
And before my Lanny Love,
I really missed him!
And I still do and always will!

I have grieved heavily the last couple of weeks
as the fourth anniversary
of my Al's death and burial
has approached and,
at last,
passed.
It has been that

can't sleep -

can't concentrate -

can't remember -

can't eat/want to eat everything in sight -

on the verge of tears all the time -

missing so much that it physically hurts -

kind of grief.
The kind of grief
that came in the early days.
All consuming awareness of absence
of the one I loved.
I watched in late August
and early September
as my Lanny Love went through the same thing.

One would think
that being so happily remarried
would make it better,
easier.
Some of my fellow widows
who have not remarried
certainly think so
as indicated by comments like

"Well, it's not as bad for you!

You have Lanny!"

And before I had my Lanny Love,
I thought that too.
Remarriage would make it better.
And it does.
Most of the time.
But in some ways,
it makes it worse.

There is that piece of my heart
that is Al's alone.
I cannot give it to my Lanny Love.
There is that piece of his heart
that belongs only to Judy.
He cannot give it to me!
There, in the midst of our love,
is that longing for another person.
The wanting to share something special
with them.
The wanting their comfort
in our feelings of loss and grief
over them.

The flip side of that longing
is guilt.
We have each fallen in love with,
and wholly given ourselves to,
another person.
Sometimes,
like in the midst of an intense grief wave,
it feels a bit like cheating.

"How could I do that?!?!?!"

I love both my Al

and my Lanny Love

with all my heart!

And I have felt

very disloyal

to both of them the last few weeks.

I know that this makes no sense.

I know it is emotions

not reality.

I know that at 4:59pm

on January 28, 2013,

I ceased to be a married woman.

I am not cheating,

am not being disloyal to my husband.

I know that when I get to Heaven,

I won't have two husbands,

I will have Jesus,

be the Bride of Christ!

But there they are.

Feelings of disloyalty and guilt.

Times two.

And so,

I have felt myself withdrawing.

And becoming clingy.

It's an odd thing.

Confusing to both of us.

Regardless of which side of the experience we are on.

Widowhood brings mourning.
But God brings morning!
And what a beautiful day has awakened!