God is faithful...

 

We had our first freeze last night.

A brief snowfall yesterday afternoon,

our first of the season.

This morning, the grass and trees and lawn furniture 

are covered in sparkling frost.

The dog is having a blast!

 

I don't remember the weather ten years ago.

At this point in the day, I still hoped

but in just a little while I received the call

and earthly hope died and acceptance and resignation took over.

Only eternal hope remained.

 

It was 10am.

My Al had taken his 9am meds,

including a dose of morphine -

he was in so much pain -

and was sound asleep.

The phone rang and I answered it.

 

Perhaps this was the call that pushed me over the edge.

So much bad news was delivered by phone...

To this day, I have an aversion to talking on the phone.

It is a sacrifice of love if I do. 

 

We had talked about it in advance.

We had been released to hospice care once before.

But I couldn't accept that there was nothing else.

So I searched.

    Worldwide.

        Nothing. 

Then, Cancer Treatment Centers of America.

They said his rare cancer could not be cured.

There would be no remission.

But there were things they could do to make him more comfortable,

perhaps prolong his life by a few weeks or months.

They had warned us that it wouldn't last long.

They said that when his "numbers" became such

that they were shortening his life rather than prolonging it,

they would stop and refer him to hospice.

This was the morning. 

And we had talked about it in advance.

We would not pursue other treatment options.

 

I spent that day bearing the knowledge alone.

Al was asleep and there was no point in waking him for this.

So I let him sleep until 3pm when it was time for his meds.

A peace immediately came over him and he did not cry.

But he held me as I did.

 

In the weeks that followed,

I walked my Al Home.

I rarely left his side.

Even most of the groceries were brought to us.

They were some of the worst

and some of the best days of my life.

 

Ten years later, I still dread 10am on November 5.

Today, my ringer is off.

I don't want to talk on the phone

and I allow myself this piece of self-care.

 

But can I tell you about the hours between 10am and 3pm?

I said I bore the burden alone.

But I did not.

While I cannot say that peace overcame me as it did Al,

I was comforted.

The news was not unexpected.

But it was, nonetheless, a shock to my system

already on edge with stress and pre-grief.

During those hours,

the Holy Spirit and I paced.

He never left me as I cried out

    in agony,

        denial,

            bargaining,

                pleading,

                    and finally accepting prayer.

 

This is a tough day.

In the middle of a tough week.

In a tough month.

But God was faithful then

and He is faithful now!

Blessed be the Name of The Lord!

Goodness of God, Cece Winans

 

Now God's presence is with people.

God Himself will be with them

and will be their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and there will be 

no more death, sadness, crying or pain,

because all the old ways are gone.

        ~~ Revelation 21:3-4 NCV  

 

 

Successful remarriage takes thoughtful learning...

Words are my primary love language.

I suppose that's not surprising.

I am, after all, a writer.

I write, write, write.

    I write notes to others.

        I journal.

            I write stories.

                I blog.

I write.

Words mean something to me.

They mean a lot to me.

Received words are nurturing, life-giving for my soul.

And I remember them clearly, feel them deeply.

Forever.

 

The natural companion to words as my love language,

is that they are what hurts me most.

Unkind, harshly critical, insulting, hating words

cut me deeply and leave painful scars.

Because I remember them.

Even when I try to forget.

For decades. 

I pray not forever, that there are some I have forgotten.

But I remember them and feel them for a long time.

It can be a problem when it comes to forgiveness.

And certainly can be a problem to my self-esteem.

My Al and I were different with similarities.

We never did the love language test,

nonetheless, we learned to accommodate each other's needs 

even though it didn't come naturally -

until it did.

 

It is no different in remarriage. 

My Lanny Love and I have never "tested" together

but I believe our love languages are similar in order and intensity

with minor differences.

Still, we have had to learn to accommodate and love on one another

because we both spent in the neighborhood of 40 years

loving on someone else using their love language

and meeting new needs means relearning a new "auto-pilot".

 

In life, our needs are not always met.

That is a fact.

Sometimes there are words I long to hear

but don't and likely never will.

Other times I am delightfully, joyously surprised

by unexpected words.

That happened recently.

My Lanny Love spoke precious words I did not expect to ever hear.

Words I had given but never received,

all the more precious by their spontaneous and uninvited delivery

for I knew they were genuine. 

I am still basking in their glow and will, I'm certain,

for the remainder of my life.

There are so many joys in remarriage!

And there are so many difficulties.

It is no different than one time marriages.

We must work and learn and give and give and give.

 

I recently read a novel about remarriage from widowhood, 

I mentioned this book in a previous post,

and a quote that has stuck with me is

"Love is not about what you get from the other person,

it is about what you can give to them." ~~ The Hope Series by Staci Stallings

I believe that with all my heart 

and have done my best to live it in my remarriage.

My Lanny Love has loved me deeply and well!

But this great gift,

the words recently spoken from his heart...

well, can I just say that it is wonderful to receive great love as well! 

I know, you thought I was done...

To go along with learning one another's love language

is learning one another's grief language.

My Lanny Love and I are very similar personalities,

but in the handling of our grief over our lost loves,

we are different.

That makes it challenging sometimes to know what to do or say.

 

November is one of those months.

There are several significant days for me

and both my Al and Lanny's Judy have birthdays this month.

I become thoughtful and subdued - 

and talk more about my Al beginning a few days before.

Unless there is a compelling reason preventing it,

I visit the cemetery.

He is quiet and overly cheerful and very busy.

Sometimes I'm not sure the day hasn't passed by unnoticed -

except I always mention it.

That's because I want him to know

I understand and expect that he is thinking of her, 

that if he wants to talk about her or celebrate her,

I'm good with that!

Judy's birthday was yesterday.

And I didn't know what to do with it.

So I did what I normally do,

I wrote a note saying that 

I was praying him and the kids through the day

and left it on his Bible where I knew he would see it upon waking.

Then I let him take the lead on

going through the door I opened.

 

So why the two stories?

Because loving isn't all hearts and roses and chocolates.

Sometimes it's hard and ugly.

Sometimes it's saying or hearing precious, cherished words.

Sometimes it's grieving with someone in an unfamiliar,

even uncomfortable way. 

Sometimes it's a warm embrace and tender kiss.

Sometimes it's a box of tissue and ugly, snotty crying

over a lost love - and knowing you can't "fix" it.

 

You won't always get it right,

but you'll learn from the times you get it wrong.

And always, always, always,

it is worth the effort to learn how to love well

and in the manner that speaks love to your beloved!

 

 

 

Above all, love each other deeply, 

because love covers over a multitude of sins.

                                        ~~ 1 Peter 4:8 ~~

 

And over all these virtues put on love, 

which binds them all together in perfect unity.

                                        ~~ Colossians 3:14 ~~