God is faithful...

 

We had our first freeze last night.

A brief snowfall yesterday afternoon,

our first of the season.

This morning, the grass and trees and lawn furniture 

are covered in sparkling frost.

The dog is having a blast!

 

I don't remember the weather ten years ago.

At this point in the day, I still hoped

but in just a little while I received the call

and earthly hope died and acceptance and resignation took over.

Only eternal hope remained.

 

It was 10am.

My Al had taken his 9am meds,

including a dose of morphine -

he was in so much pain -

and was sound asleep.

The phone rang and I answered it.

 

Perhaps this was the call that pushed me over the edge.

So much bad news was delivered by phone...

To this day, I have an aversion to talking on the phone.

It is a sacrifice of love if I do. 

 

We had talked about it in advance.

We had been released to hospice care once before.

But I couldn't accept that there was nothing else.

So I searched.

    Worldwide.

        Nothing. 

Then, Cancer Treatment Centers of America.

They said his rare cancer could not be cured.

There would be no remission.

But there were things they could do to make him more comfortable,

perhaps prolong his life by a few weeks or months.

They had warned us that it wouldn't last long.

They said that when his "numbers" became such

that they were shortening his life rather than prolonging it,

they would stop and refer him to hospice.

This was the morning. 

And we had talked about it in advance.

We would not pursue other treatment options.

 

I spent that day bearing the knowledge alone.

Al was asleep and there was no point in waking him for this.

So I let him sleep until 3pm when it was time for his meds.

A peace immediately came over him and he did not cry.

But he held me as I did.

 

In the weeks that followed,

I walked my Al Home.

I rarely left his side.

Even most of the groceries were brought to us.

They were some of the worst

and some of the best days of my life.

 

Ten years later, I still dread 10am on November 5.

Today, my ringer is off.

I don't want to talk on the phone

and I allow myself this piece of self-care.

 

But can I tell you about the hours between 10am and 3pm?

I said I bore the burden alone.

But I did not.

While I cannot say that peace overcame me as it did Al,

I was comforted.

The news was not unexpected.

But it was, nonetheless, a shock to my system

already on edge with stress and pre-grief.

During those hours,

the Holy Spirit and I paced.

He never left me as I cried out

    in agony,

        denial,

            bargaining,

                pleading,

                    and finally accepting prayer.

 

This is a tough day.

In the middle of a tough week.

In a tough month.

But God was faithful then

and He is faithful now!

Blessed be the Name of The Lord!

Goodness of God, Cece Winans

 

Now God's presence is with people.

God Himself will be with them

and will be their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and there will be 

no more death, sadness, crying or pain,

because all the old ways are gone.

        ~~ Revelation 21:3-4 NCV