Another Shift

A sorrowing heart is a strange thing. It beats along - even when it would rather not - speaking with every beat. Then suddenly, it shifts, changing its message. Oh, it still speaks of the old message, but it speaks differently.

And mine has shifted. It's happened before. I imagine it will happen again.

When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given one to three months, six at the outside, to live, it shifted. It cried out "NO!!!!" and went into fight mode. It prayed, it begged, it bargained, and it searched the world for a cure. None was to be found.

When the last hope referred him back to hospice, it shifted. It stopped fighting and started clinging. Going to the bathroom was too far away from him, took too long. It held him, touched him constantly, gazed at him, vowing to never let go, no matter what.

About a week before his death, it shifted. It stopped clinging. It looked at his suffering and began begging God to come take him Home.

When he died, it shifted. It went into shock. It thought it was ready. It was not.

About two weeks later, after everyone had gone home, when the calls and cards and drop-by's began to taper off it shifted. Shock began to wain, anguish took over. Pain as it had never known squeezed it until it just wanted to stop beating all together.

About a month later, it shifted, broken though it was, it went into survival anguish. It recognized that no matter how much it wanted to stop beating, it couldn't and so it forced its body to take the next breath, get out of bed, take a shower, comb its hair, put on clothes - all the while weeping uncontrollably.

In August of last year, it shifted. It began to want to do more than exist. It began to want to live. And it added guilt to the sorrow.

In September, it shifted. It took its body to San Antonio where the "San Antonio Miracle" emotional healing occurred. Over five days, it let God heal, soothe, help it to accept death - and embrace life.

In October, it shifted. It fell in love. And it felt guilty for a minute, but only for a minute, because the San Antonio Miracle had shown it that life was for living and loving and thriving! But in that shift, it began to ignore its loss - which, no matter what, will always be there.

November, Al's birthday, the celebration of earthly life, took it back to anguish for a bit. But new love pushed it past the renewed intensity, soothed it, helped it remember life was for living. And it began to remember loss, but differently, softly, mangageably.

Then another loss, another shift, another anguish. And it began to squeeze again, now sorrowing over two and no longer able to shadow the first loss with the new love, and nothing to shadow the second loss. Loss could not be ignored any longer.

It became desperate as it recognized the return of anguish! "NONONONONO!!!!!" it shouted, "I CANNOT GO BACK THERE!!!!!!!" And so, it tried to ignore and move past the new grief and continued to try to ignore the first grief.

But grief will not be ignored! And in desperation, it made foolish choices. It moved too quickly. Soon it recognized that.

And it shifted.

It began to wait. Be still. But it was impatient. And as it began to finally deal with the grief, the loss, it moved once more, too quickly. And it hurt another heart. And guilt joined sorrow once again. And it went back to stillness, waiting.

And now, it has shifted again. Still waiting. Still being still. Guilt has left. Anguish has left. Sorrow has taken its rightful place and is softly joining life. And calmness has joined.

Thank You, God, for this journey.

Thank You for working in my heart.

Thank You for calm.

Bonding

Every year, my closest friend and her sisters and other female family members meet at the family farm for their annual "bonding". A few years ago, friends were added and I started going. Once you've been to a bonding, you're a member of the family! This weekend was the bonding!

 Now, this farm is strictly land and a barn. There used to be a house on it, but the house burned to the ground a number of years ago, so we camp. Yep. A group of females, Middle-of-Nowhere, KS, camping. It used to be a strictly tent proposition. The last few years, a trailer or two has been added. But still, we cook on an open fire, wind permitting, and rough it for an entire weekend.

It is quiet. No traffic. No houses or towns or commerce within about 20 miles. Beautiful sunrises, sunsets, and a night sky the likes of which cannot be seen anywhere near a town of any size. We watch satellites cross the sky. We wish on falling stars. We stare into the campfire flames. We share confidences. We read. We sit. We walk. We are silly and giggly. We are quiet and thoughtful. We relax and rejuvinate.

It is wonderful!

Everyone should have an annual bonding!

Thanks for letting me be a part of the family girls! See you next year!

Ticking Clocks

I like clocks. I have a lot of them. All kinds. And many of them make noise of one sort or another. They chime. They bong. They play music. They chirp. And they tick.

When I am here alone, when the house is quiet, the ticking can be very, very loud. It marks and measures time's passage.

Steadily. 

Rhythmically. 

Incessantly.

And sometimes I just want them to stop.

This is new for me. I have always liked the sound of the ticking. It has always been soothing. But in the last few days, it has become an irritation. A reminder. Rather than "tick-tock-tick-tock" the rhythm seems to shout "check-the date-check-the date".

Tomorrow is a significant day for me for a couple reasons. It promises to be difficult. The days leading up to it have been. But, the date will pass. It will. And the clocks will resume their "tick-tock" song.

 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

                                                                    ~~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT ~~

Musing...

My mind is wandering this morning. Flitting here and there, moving quickly from one thing to the next. Even my time with The Lord this morning was disjointed and lacked concentration. So, things I have "wondered" this morning:

• What if today's the day? Wouldn't that be great!!!
• Where is Harlan this morning? What is he doing? How is he feeling? How is he doing spiritually? How is he doing emotionally? Is he healthy or is his blood pressure up? Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong....
• How is Michael doing? Is he healing, moving forward? Has he forgiven me for hurting him?
• Predestination, yes or no? Are some people created for failure while others are created for success? Both spiritually and in life. There are passages in the Bible that indicate that. Romans 9 for example. Judas Iscariot - someone had to betray Jesus. But there are passages that indicate not, that God loves us all, desires that all of us be saved. And if we are predestined, then why give us choice? Are only some predestined while others God gives choice? [Quote from Pastor Jim Loper, Cornerstone Church Amarillo: "God did not make Judas betray Christ and go to hell. Judas had a choice. God wanted Judas to be one of the 12 apostles, but Judas rejected God's plan for his life. The devil needed someone to turn Jesus in. He found a willing subject in Judas. God really had nothing to do with it. In His foreknowledge, God, through prophecy, reported beforehand what was going to happen. It is the stated will of God for all people to repent and believe the Gospel. But we have free wills and can choose to believe or not to believe." Ah, yes. Now I remember!]
• Rick's hair looks really nice longer! Glad he's letting it grow!
• How did satan get out of "outer darkness" where God cast him and his followers and into the Garden of Eden where he was able to lead mankind astray?
• What kind of protein shake should I have this morning? (Chocolate with all natural peanut butter, a touch of raw honey, and a banana. YUM!!!)
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was right.... 
• What if today's the day?
• How are my CASA children doing?
• Oh wow! It's foggy! Dawn and the fog makes everything look so soft! Lovely!
• Where should I go to use my airline ticket credit from a trip I didn't take this spring? Should I go where I originally planned to go? I'd like to, but I don't want to. Sigh....
  
• How much longer are the sunflowers going to last? The weather has already cooled significantly.
• What should I take for the "bonding" at the farm with my friends this weekend? Will there still be bugs or has the cooler weather chased them into hibernation already?
• When will the tarantulas start running?
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong....
• I need to get new weather stripping for my doors!
• Is the ground dry enough to do the final "mowing" of the yard? I need to get that done! What if today's the day?
  
• How come Gabe doesn't bury his poop??? He buries the urine! Doesn't he know the poop stinks too??? Sigh... Out to the dumpster. Stupid cat!
• Will I ever stop missing Al? Harlan? My mom?
• Will I like my new job? Should I have accepted one of the others that was the same exact thing I've done for years and years? Stepping out on a limb hasn't been working too well for me recently........ But I've never been afraid to try something new before, I'm not going to start now! I WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR!!!!
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was right....
  
• Was pretty chilly last night. Prob'ly need to get out the winter bedding.
• Oh my goodness! I haven't made the bed yet! Make the bed, quick! What if today's the day?
• Better stop dawdling, shower, get dressed, and my face on! What if today's the day?
• Have to finish painting the kitchen cabinets. What if today's the day?
• What color should I paint the exterior of the house. That needs to be done pretty quickly or it will have to wait for spring.
• Wonder what it's going to cost me to fix the leaking kitchen window. Hope it doesn't rain again until it's done.
• 15 more pounds to goal weight! I can do this! Yeah, baby, lookin' good! (Pat myself on the back!) Two minute planks today. Increase walk mileage. Need to get a battery for the elliptical so I can keep track of distance when I use it instead of walking. 
• Should I cut my hair? Go short? It's pretty short now, but still so thin... It's finally coming back, but would it look better short in the process?
• I hate stress!
• Was I right or wrong? Will I ever know for sure? I think I was wrong.... 

And so on and so forth. Deeeeep breaths! Slow down mind!

What do you wonder?

Love

I've been thinking a lot about love the last few days. For several reasons.

Had I married last winter as intended, today would have been our seventh wedding monthiversary. And whether or not I should is irrelevant, I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I still wish... So, love has been on my mind.

Then there is the man to whom I was recently engaged. He loved me very much. I thought that the fact that I didn't love him as I felt I should wouldn't matter, that caring deeply for him and meeting mutual needs for companionship would be enough. He said it would be. We were both wrong. And I broke his heart. I feel terribly guilty about that. But it is for the best. We would neither one have been happy in a one-sided-love marriage. Despite his insistence to the contrary, we were never "meant to be". So, love has been on my mind.

Al is always on my mind. I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The fact that he is dead does not alter the fact of my love for him. He was my high school sweetheart. We grew up together. We grew in love together. We were a couple for nearly 42 years and husband and wife for nearly 37. Yes, I will always love him! So, love has been on my mind.


So where have these love thoughts taken me?

I've thought about loving two men with all my heart. You would think it would be confusing. And when I first began falling in love the second time, it was. But God cleared the confusion. Showed me that my love for Al was complete. My love for him did not conflict with the new, growing love I was experiencing. It was a wonderful revelation!

I've thought about working and trying to fall in love after the hurt. Love is often a decision. Sometimes we just have to will it because no one is lovable all the time - not even the most loveable person! So, I decided I would learn to love him as more than a friend and companion. But it shouldn't be work all the time and more and more I knew our relationship was not God's will. 

I've thought about the possibility of never being in love with and married to someone again. Being single, alone, for the rest of my life. Not what I hope and pray for but a distinct possibility.

And if God releases me to move forward again? I've thought about falling in love again. What if he doesn't love me back or something goes wrong again? For Harlan was God's will for me at that point, I have no doubt whatever, so even if God says "Okay, go!" it could happen! I don't know if I can survive another hurt! But, what if he does, what if nothing goes wrong? How wonderfully blessed I will be to have such privilege!

And I've thought about the love of God. Specifically in relationship to my broken-hearted love for my former fiance. I was thinking to myself recently - on the seventh monthiversary of our break-up - how is it that I can still love him so. In fact, over the months since our break-up, despite very limited contact, my love for him has grown. I have continued to pray for him, even more fervently in fact, have continued to beg God to intervene in his life, to draw him closer and closer to Himself so that one can't tell where the man ends and God begins. And as I have prayed, my love has increased.

I've thought about not praying for him anymore. But I can't stop! And I don't even want to to be very honest! I want God to touch him! I want God to make His will known to him! I want God to grow him in grace! Because I love him. And so, the cycle: I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows, I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows... A cycle that God will stop in His time if it is His will.

And isn't that the way it is with God? As much as I love Harlan, how much more does God love him and all of mankind! He loved Adam. So much that He gave him Eve because even in the presence of God, Adam was lonely. Adam and Eve sinned, grievously disappointing God and forever changing the relationship. But God couldn't just walk away. Because He loved them. So He sent his very own Son, Himself in human skin, to be the sacrifice so we could remain in relationship with Him.

Think about that!

He sent Himself!!!

Yes! For Jesus Christ is God!!! He sent Himself! Just as I give the sacrifice of prayer and the resulting heart-filled-with-love that causes me great pain and sorrow, so He gave the sacrifice of Heaven, of the honor and glory of the angels, of His rightful place on the Throne of Heaven, of physical comfort, suffering a broken heart over and over again, suffering emotional pain and abuse over and over again, suffering horrible physical abuse and death. For us!!! For Harlan!!! For Michael!!! For Al!!! For me!!! For you!!!

What is your greatest love sacrifice? God's through Jesus was far greater!!!

Yes, He loved us that much, loves us still!!! No matter what!!! Always!!!

Thank You, Three-in-One: Father, Son, Holy Spirit!

"I pray that from [H]is glorious, unlimited resources

[H]e will give you mighty inner strength through [H]is Holy Spirit.

And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts

as you trust in [H]im.

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.

And may you have the power to understand,

as all God's people should,

how wide, how long, how high, and how deep

[H]is love really is.

May you experience the love of Christ,

though it is so great

you will never fully understand it.

Then you will be filled

with the fullness of life and power

that comes from God."

                                  ~~ Ephesians 3:16-19 NLT ~~

Remembering

This morning, I want to be distracted. From the pain of remembering. The pain of longing. The pain of loving. The pain of loss. The pain of sorrow. So many join me today!

Heavenly Father, I lift our country to You, our leadership, our military, and especially those waking with a giant hole in their lives and hearts this morning. Protect us, guide us, comfort us! In Jesus' Name I pray!

We will never forget.

Life (Bloom)

"I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I'd pay for it later tonight and probably the next three days, but every second of pain would be worth the way I felt right now.

 Mmm, I breathed in. Welcoming life back into my heart. "Life," I whispered to myself, "I love you."

Anastasia reached her arms around my neck and squeezed. "Life loves you, too."

Amazing how much more you appreciate the little things whan all the big things are taken from you."

~~ "Bloom" by Marilyn Grey ~~  

 This chapter, Chapter 9, is the beginning of healing for Sarah. Oh, not physical healing, no. She had begun her physical healing months and months earlier. Right after the fire. Right after everything changed. Right after life left her.

 But emotional healing had been slower. You know, that point when you realize that you don't want to die after all. That there is life after loss.

 Sarah didn't really want to come back to life. Her loss was so great that the thought of living with it was overwhelming.

 I understand.

                         Al's diagnosis

                                     The job I loved

                                                 The home with memories

                                                             Al's death

                                                                        The life I knew

                                                                                     The dreams I had

                                                                                                  Harlan

                                                                                                               The dreams

                                                                                                                            Hope

                                                                                                                                               Life...


Why bother?

I hung on because Al wanted me to. Wanted me to live. But it didn't work.

Why keep trying?

Trying again just meant more pain, more loss.

Why risk it all again?

Because, LIFE is out there! 

It comes softly. Little snippets of happiness. Two snippets. Three.

And before you know it, you are loving life again!

Life never stopped loving you!

 For life is a gift from God! And God loves us infinitely. All the time! Never ending! Always! No matter what!

 I walk every night. It's good for me. Get's my blood pumping. Relieves stress. Get's the endorphins flowing. The last half mile is always hard. It's mostly uphill. I'm tired. I want to quit. But I can see my house from there.

Air conditioning

Cool water

Soothing tubbie

Soft chair

 So I push. Harder. Force myself up that hill. All the while looking at my goal. Home. Comfort.

 Is misery all it's cracked up to be? Hopelessness? Helplessness? Longing for what is lost, what you can never, ever have again? 

No. It's not.

 So hang on! And I'll hang on with you! Keep your eyes focused on the goal - life and God. Our snippets are just around the corner! Start looking for them! Start appreciating the little things! It's where life begins again!

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you.

I will help you.

 I will uphold you with my victorious right hand...

...I am hold you by your right hand -

I, the Lord your God.

And I say to you,

"Do not be afraid.

I am here to help you."

Isaiah 41:10, 13 NLT

Happy Grandparents Day

Be jealous! Just sayin'! ;-)

Grandparenting is the very best!!! I LOVE being a grammie to these three wonderful people! They fill me with joy! They are good, fine youngsters whose mommies and daddies are doing a fantastic job of raising them! I am very, very blessed!

Accepting the obvious

I was talking with a friend on Facebook today about grief. I commented to her that I had no idea how difficult accepting the obvious could be.

It is only recently that I have stopped saying things like "gone home", "ultimate healing", "in Heaven", "with Jesus", "with his daddy and our babies", and the like when referring to my husband's death. While all those statements are true, they sugar coat the harsh truth.

Al is dead.

Dead.

No longer alive on this earth.

Never, ever coming back to life as we knew it.

Dead.

It still hurts, makes me squirm, to say it. Type it. Think it. But it is the truth. And as I told her, God specializes in the truth. And healing from loss doesn't really start until we face the ugly truth of our loss. 

Regardless of what it is.

Feeling safe

I didn't realize until this morning that I have not felt safe in a very long time. Even before Al's diagnosis, we knew something was wrong, had known for a couple years. So for about five years I've been in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it has. 

 Repeatedly.

And I haven't felt safe.

Even before that, life was difficult. 

I didn't feel safe. 

Ever. 

Unless Al was holding me. 

And now I don't have even that.

This morning, my devotional from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young addressed safety.

 

               In closeness to Him I am safe. 

                              No matter where I am, I belong when He is near. 

                                             Together, He and I can push back the darkness.

What an amazing promise! Safe! Belonging! In His light!

When the world is dark and lonely and frightening, He is the light! When things go wrong, I am safe in His loving care! Does that mean bad things won't happen? No! For satan through Adam and Eve ushered bad things into the world and we are all affected. But does it mean I am safe? Yes!

Spiritually safe!

Not only that, but when I walk in the light with Him, I can be assured that nothing happens to me that is outside of His will! How much safer can a person be than in the will of God!

Safe in His Will!

Another revelation this morning. When bad things happen, when my heart is breaking, when it feels like the darkness is overwhelming and I cannot go on - I am privileged to be even more like Jesus who suffered for my sake, for your sake! 

Wow!  

More like Jesus in suffering! 

Like Jesus!

I am safe! Praise God! 

"For you are my hiding place;

You protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of Victory.

The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you."

...Unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord..

...We depend on the Lord alone to save us.
Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we are trusting in his holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in you alone."

                                                   ~~ Psalm 32:7-8, 10; 33:20-22 NLT~~

Disappointment

"You remember what you said to me once?" She tapped my foot. "My dream is every day. When I wake up, I want to find something new. Something beautiful about each day I'm given. I want to take the cards I'm given and play them with a smile, not to win, just to play."

"Yeah. I said that when life's biggest disappointment was losing a job or being single."

"Well, try it." She stood, left, and returned with the baby. "Find something beautiful..."

 "...This is so hard, Ella. It's so hard. I felt okay until I came home. Or to your home. Now life is going on all around me and...I want to cry."

                                                                                                ~~"Bloom" by Marilyn Grey

Disappointment. The plan didn't turn out as envisioned.

     He died
          She left you
               They fired you
                    You got cancer
                          You didn't get the promotion

And disappointment is part of the pain! We feel disappointed in ourselves. We feel disappointed in others. We feel disappointed in - dare I say it? - yes, we feel disappointed in God! Why didn't He fix it??? He could have! So, on top of the pain of the loss is the pain of the disappointment, the disillusionment. Whatever your disappointment, your loss. The plan failed. Your plan failed. And it really, really hurts! And life will never, ever be the same.

And, you're right. It won't. It will never, ever be the same. Because the plan didn't go as, well, planned. And things are different now.

But that's life! Plans fail, change! They do! Sometimes because we change them. Sometimes not. Sometimes to a plan that feels better. Sometimes to a plan that feels much, much worse. But life is not stagnant! It is constantly moving. Constantly changing.

What about you? Are you stagnant? Are you stuck on the plan that can no longer be? It's easy to do! It feels impossible, moving to the new plan! Because you still want the old one!

I'm fond of saying "change is difficult, even when it's good change." And that's true. But when it's "bad" change? Oy vay! Not difficult! Excruciating! Debilitating! Horrendous!

But that WILL pass!!! The horror of your loss, that gaping wound, that bleeding, aching, gash, will begin to heal, scab over. Oh yes, you will have to clean it. That will sometimes open it back up and it will hurt again. But the scab grows back. And eventually the raw wound heals. Eventually, there is just a tender scar. And, I hear, eventually the scar stops being tender. It is always there, but it is only a reminder. It is no longer the raw, gaping, seeping, bleeding, deep wound that it was in the beginning.

I think we will always wish the skin were still smooth where that scar is. I think we will always wish that the wound hadn't happened. But it did. And for a reason. Sometimes God reveals that reason. Sometimes He doesn't. But their is a reason!

We can't change what happened. We can only change our reaction to it. Look for the beauty that still surrounds you! The blessings you still have! They are there!!!

     Your children
          Your home
               Your job
                    Your health
                         God, for when everything else fails, God is still there, even when we feel disappointed!

Look for the beauty! Look hard! In the beginning, it's harder to find than further down the road, but it's there! No, it's not the beauty you lost - though don't discount the memory of that beauty as current beauty - but there is beauty! Even if all you can see is a lone flower blooming or a pretty color on something, find it, remind yourself that beauty still exists! Because God exists!

Hang on for now! Hang on! It will get better! I promise!

"I know this is hard, Sarah. It's painful and lonely and hard...It's going to get better. I promise you."

"How can you promise that?" I snapped. He barely blinked. Not phased by my outburst. "Sorry, but how can anyone promise that? I've lost so much."

                                                                                                ~~"Bloom" by Marilyn Grey~~ 

I promise because I know. I have come through some of the journey. I have experienced loss, great, excruciating, loss. Several times in the last two years. And it has gotten better. I promise because I see others who have experienced loss, great, excruciating, loss, and they are further along the journey than I am and they are better still. I promise because God promises! If we trust Him!

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.

He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the broken hearted;

he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous face many troubles,

but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."

                                          ~~Psalm 34:17-19 NLT

Bloom

I love to read. Lately, I have read very little outside of my Bible. But on Saturday, I started a novel I had downloaded a few weeks ago, "Bloom" by Marilyn Grey. It is the most important book, outside of God's Word, that I have read in a very long time.

It is a book about loss. Terrible loss. Physical loss. Loss to death. Loss of love. Loss of life as it once was. Loss. 

And it is a book about hope! And living!

I will be reading it again. And, over the next few days, I will be sharing some quotes and lessons from the book.

So, tonight's quote is from chapter one. I didn't really learn anything from it. It just expresses so clearly where I have been the last couple of years. 

 "I feared coming home and burdening others. I feared being needy and, most of all, I feared that I'd no longer be able to hide my tears. When someone visited me in the hospital I had enough warning to dry my eyes and put on a happy face. In the world I'd need to hold it in or let it out. And let it [be] known...Ignoring her optimism. I knew the heart of an optimist well. I used to be one. My entire life. Until now. But normal wouldn't exist for me ever again. A new normal, maybe. But not my old normal."

That is the way of loss. Everything changes. And the more you lose, the more things change. And fear and pessimism creep in and leave you incapacitated, unable to live, dead. Just as dead as whatever it was you lost.

But, praise God, we don't stay there!!! Walk with me the next few days, maybe weeks, as I explore resurrection, coming back to life!

It's a wonderful thing!

This-n-that

After yesterday's high of 104, it is a blissful 80 right now, headed to only 93! Hello, September, so glad you're here!

Yesterday was a very, very good day! God spoke to me very clearly in a dream, giving me guidance regarding a situation about which I have been praying blindly for many months. I still don't have answers, but I know exactly how God wants me to pray! God is so good!!!

All three of my grandchildren spent the night last night. That hardly ever happens anymore because, well, my 14, nearly 15, and 15, nearly 16, year old grandsons rarely like to do the same things as my 5-year old granddaughter. Go figure. Not only that, but on Friday and Saturday nights, the nights they can spend the night because they don't have school activities the next morning, they have bigger fish to fry. I'm no longer their best girl. Just sayin'.

But last night was different. No school, no football practice, no track practice this morning. No dates last night. Grammie ruled! And they didn't care that the princess was spending the night! So what did we do? Well, I'll tell you! We watched YouTube video's on each others phones while the princess watched Busytown Mysteries on Netflix. Before we knew it, we were all watching Busytown Mysteries! There are two kitties, two pigs who drive a donut, and a worm who stands upright, wears one tennis shoe, a shirt, bow-tie, hat, and green, one-legged pants, and drives an apple! And they solve really important mysteries! "Who? What? When? Where? Who,what,when,where,why,how?" LOL Believe it or not, we all had fun!

Now, I believe, though they didn't say, but I believe that the boys decided to spend the night because they knew I have been sad lately. One of them sat with me in church yesterday morning. They've both texted more often recently. They are good, caring, compassionate young men! I am a very, very blessed Grammie! 

This morning, we had pancakes and laughed and talked. A good time was had by all!

Last this-n-that. A friend and fellow widow, Linda Lint, posted a very good blog at this link about butterflies, cocoons, and grief healing. Give it a read! Even if you're not in the midst of grief, this post applies to life's problems of any kind!