Love

I've been thinking a lot about love the last few days. For several reasons.

Had I married last winter as intended, today would have been our seventh wedding monthiversary. And whether or not I should is irrelevant, I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I still wish... So, love has been on my mind.

Then there is the man to whom I was recently engaged. He loved me very much. I thought that the fact that I didn't love him as I felt I should wouldn't matter, that caring deeply for him and meeting mutual needs for companionship would be enough. He said it would be. We were both wrong. And I broke his heart. I feel terribly guilty about that. But it is for the best. We would neither one have been happy in a one-sided-love marriage. Despite his insistence to the contrary, we were never "meant to be". So, love has been on my mind.

Al is always on my mind. I still love him very, very much. With all my heart. I always will. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The fact that he is dead does not alter the fact of my love for him. He was my high school sweetheart. We grew up together. We grew in love together. We were a couple for nearly 42 years and husband and wife for nearly 37. Yes, I will always love him! So, love has been on my mind.


So where have these love thoughts taken me?

I've thought about loving two men with all my heart. You would think it would be confusing. And when I first began falling in love the second time, it was. But God cleared the confusion. Showed me that my love for Al was complete. My love for him did not conflict with the new, growing love I was experiencing. It was a wonderful revelation!

I've thought about working and trying to fall in love after the hurt. Love is often a decision. Sometimes we just have to will it because no one is lovable all the time - not even the most loveable person! So, I decided I would learn to love him as more than a friend and companion. But it shouldn't be work all the time and more and more I knew our relationship was not God's will. 

I've thought about the possibility of never being in love with and married to someone again. Being single, alone, for the rest of my life. Not what I hope and pray for but a distinct possibility.

And if God releases me to move forward again? I've thought about falling in love again. What if he doesn't love me back or something goes wrong again? For Harlan was God's will for me at that point, I have no doubt whatever, so even if God says "Okay, go!" it could happen! I don't know if I can survive another hurt! But, what if he does, what if nothing goes wrong? How wonderfully blessed I will be to have such privilege!

And I've thought about the love of God. Specifically in relationship to my broken-hearted love for my former fiance. I was thinking to myself recently - on the seventh monthiversary of our break-up - how is it that I can still love him so. In fact, over the months since our break-up, despite very limited contact, my love for him has grown. I have continued to pray for him, even more fervently in fact, have continued to beg God to intervene in his life, to draw him closer and closer to Himself so that one can't tell where the man ends and God begins. And as I have prayed, my love has increased.

I've thought about not praying for him anymore. But I can't stop! And I don't even want to to be very honest! I want God to touch him! I want God to make His will known to him! I want God to grow him in grace! Because I love him. And so, the cycle: I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows, I love him so I pray for him, I pray for him so my love grows... A cycle that God will stop in His time if it is His will.

And isn't that the way it is with God? As much as I love Harlan, how much more does God love him and all of mankind! He loved Adam. So much that He gave him Eve because even in the presence of God, Adam was lonely. Adam and Eve sinned, grievously disappointing God and forever changing the relationship. But God couldn't just walk away. Because He loved them. So He sent his very own Son, Himself in human skin, to be the sacrifice so we could remain in relationship with Him.

Think about that!

He sent Himself!!!

Yes! For Jesus Christ is God!!! He sent Himself! Just as I give the sacrifice of prayer and the resulting heart-filled-with-love that causes me great pain and sorrow, so He gave the sacrifice of Heaven, of the honor and glory of the angels, of His rightful place on the Throne of Heaven, of physical comfort, suffering a broken heart over and over again, suffering emotional pain and abuse over and over again, suffering horrible physical abuse and death. For us!!! For Harlan!!! For Michael!!! For Al!!! For me!!! For you!!!

What is your greatest love sacrifice? God's through Jesus was far greater!!!

Yes, He loved us that much, loves us still!!! No matter what!!! Always!!!

Thank You, Three-in-One: Father, Son, Holy Spirit!

"I pray that from [H]is glorious, unlimited resources

[H]e will give you mighty inner strength through [H]is Holy Spirit.

And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts

as you trust in [H]im.

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.

And may you have the power to understand,

as all God's people should,

how wide, how long, how high, and how deep

[H]is love really is.

May you experience the love of Christ,

though it is so great

you will never fully understand it.

Then you will be filled

with the fullness of life and power

that comes from God."

                                  ~~ Ephesians 3:16-19 NLT ~~