Here's how it happened.
She said he stopped paying attention to her.
She'd kept pretty fit,
but she was nearing "Medicare"
and things were no longer "perky",
the cute little baby bump that never quite went away
started to sag.
She developed laugh lines.
And a bit of a neck waddle.
She didn't feel pretty and sexy anymore.
And he stopped saying she was.
Sex stopped being fun and became a quick, infrequent event.
Her attempts at couch foreplay got the response,
"I'm trying to watch this..."
She felt rejected
so she stopped trying and accepted that
after more than 40 years of marriage...
Then it stopped being irritating.
You know, when men in the store stared,
or commented that she was pretty,
or tried to get a date.
She started enjoying it.
She told him about it most every time it happened
so he would know she was still attractive to other men
and maybe be a little jealous.
He wasn't.
(But he probably did know she was attractive to other men
because, you know, he isn't blind,
and she's still pretty to him too!)
And one day
when one of those men in the store
asked her if she'd like a cup of coffee,
she thought "Why not!"
And now she is getting a divorce
and marrying a man who picked her up in a grocery store.
And it's all his fault.
I'd like to say I understand,
but I don't!
It just infuriates me!
You see, I will most likely never have the privilege of
celebrating a 40th wedding anniversary
with my beloved.
We had been married just six weeks shy of our 37th
when my Al died.
We were at an age by the time we met and married
that makes it highly unlikely that my Lanny Love and I
will reach that milestone.
And it makes me mad that she is throwing away
more than 40 years of love and marriage and commitment
to start over again with a man who cheated with her.
(you ladies DO realize that a man who will cheat with you
will cheat on you, right?)
So I asked her.
Did you tell him you felt like he didn't find you attractive,
that you weren't feeling loved anymore?
Well I shouldn't have to tell him to find me attractive,
to love me!
Maybe you shouldn't,
but did you?
Well I didn't come right out and say that, no,
but I told him in a lot of ways.
And I told him other men flirted with me
and found me attractive.
And he didn't even care!
Oh! My goodness!!!
Why do we do that???
One of the things I want to ask Jesus when I get to Heaven is this:
Why did you teach in parables?
Why didn't you just tell us what we need to know?
You know we're thick headed and slow, right?
And yet we, especially women,
and in particular to our husbands,
we do it all! the! time!
We talk to them in parables
and expect them to figure it out.
You know they don't think like us, right?
You know they just say what they mean and move on, right?
You know they expect you to do the same, right?
But we don't.
We hint.
We tell a story about "a friend".
We "what if".
We insist they should already know and get angrier by the minute.
But we don't just say,
HEY! Put down the phone, turn off the T.V. and pay attention to me!
I'm feeling neglected, unattractive to you, and unloved!
They probably won't understand why you feel neglected.
They certainly won't understand why in the world you feel unattractive to them
or why you would think they don't love you.
But they'll appreciate that you didn't make them try to figure it out
because somewhere, they vaguely know you're upset about something,
however, since you tell them "nothing" when they ask,
they'll assume it's something at work, or the kids, or that time of month,
but they won't figure it out.
They aren't emotionally built to figure it out.
Just tell them!
And, by the way,
when you're telling them to meet your needs,
ask yourself if you are meeting theirs.
When is the last time you told him he still makes your tummy flutter?
When is the last time you told him how much you
appreciate
his going to work every day?
(I know, most of you go to work too,
and doesn't it feel nice to be told that it's appreciated?)
When did you last thank him for mowing the yard?
Or how you
respect
him for protecting your family by locking up at night?
When did you last
admire
his physique or strength or "prowess"?
Or for...the myriad of things that men do that is their way of saying
I love you very much!!!
When did you last tell him how much you
appreciate
his sense of responsibility,
that he is a man of honor,
that he makes you proud to be his wife?
When did you last tell him how much you
admire
his abilities, his gifts and talents?
When did you last say
"I respect you so much!"
You know how much you need to be loved and desired?
Well that's how much he needs to be respected, admired, and appreciated!
I learned some stuff through widowhood.
First is that nothing is worth losing my mate!
Not by choice!
Either his or mine!
Another is that very little is really worth fighting over
but that marriage is very worth fighting for!
So for the love of Pete,
stop talking in parables!
We aren't Jesus,
we aren't good at telling them in such a way they are ever understood.
And our husbands will never get them and will, in fact,
be shocked when you finally lose it and scream at him
what you should have simply told him in the first place!
Marriage is precious!
Take care of yours!
