Sabbatical - a reminder and the second lesson

The Reminder...

 

"I'm watching the glittering surface 

as the sun reflects its brilliance and warms the moving depths. 

I see the birds "clam digging" 

and am reminded of the sparrow. 

You provide the needs of all Your creatures 

in Your glittering perfection. 

You will provide ours as well!"

 

From my journal later on that first day

“Therefore I tell you:  

Don’t worry about your life, 

what you will eat or what you will drink; 

or about your body, what you will wear. 

Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?  

Consider the birds of the sky: 

They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, 

yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 

Aren’t you worth more than they?  

Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?  

And why do you worry about clothes? ...So don’t worry, saying,  

‘What will we eat?’ 

or 

‘What will we drink?’ 

or 

‘What will we wear?’  

For...your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,  

and all these things will be provided for you.  

Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow..."

 

                                                    ~~ Matthew 6:25-27, 31, 32 CSB ~~ 

 

The lesson...

 

There were many reminders

and lessons during my sabbatical.

I know all these things.

But sometimes I forget.

And God is so faithful 

to gently and effectively remind me!

 

My second lesson came shortly after the reminder above.

 

I had been swimming and playing in the waves,

going out toward the horizon

then back in to shore.

Out toward the horizon,

back in to shore.

Over and over.

I did not come back to my journal

because I was exhausted,

rather, I came back because I wasn't!

 

I learned long ago that playing in the sea

is much easier when I let the waves do the work.

It has push and pull.

Regardless of which direction I am headed,

when I move that direction with the push

and ride the pull back,

then move with the push, 

ride the pull back,

I am able to watch the water,

the fish and birds, 

and very quickly and easily

arrive at my destination.

And I'm not tired and have enjoyed the journey.

 

Sometimes, if my goal is exercise,

I fight the push.

You know, try to keep my feet planted on the bottom

or even move forward against the waves and current.

It is exhausting!

And fruitless since 

I can not prevent the powerful waves and current

pushing me where they want.

 

Yes,

when I don't fight,

if I am in deeper water,

when I ride the push,

very often, my feet are lifted from the solid bottom.

Sometimes, as I get closer to shore,

I bump my knees or bottom

on the sand.

Sometimes I was lifted to the top of the wave

to ride it with laughter.

Sometimes a wave washed over me as it broke

taking me by surprise.

But I did not drown even then!

And those things happen MORE

when I fight the waves!

 

It hit me!

God is the waves!

He carries me with the waves

as I allow Him! 

My journey is much more joyous

when I cooperate with Him in it

rather than fighting against the "waves" I don't like!

 

Teach me, oh my God,

teach me to rely wholly on You!

Teach me to trust You ~~~

~~~ in ALL the waves!  

 

 

Sabbatical - The week before, the first lesson

From my prayer journal the week before my sabbatical:

 

I'm trying, Lord God!

I really am!

I'm trying to be positive and cheerful,

to trust You,

have faith,

but my head hurts

and I can't breath

and I'm scared...

 

Carry me, Lord,

for I cannot walk just now. 

 

Have you been here?

In the past months ~

who am I kidding? ~

in the past four years,

since my Lanny Love's diagnosis

of an autoimmune disease,

I have felt this way much of the time.

And the onset of Covid...

Well, suffice it to say,

this Before Al's Death (BAD) non-worrier

has become a worrier in a BIG way.

 

BAD, I didn't worry.

I trusted God much more.

After Al's Death (AAD)

this area became a struggle.

I thought I had conquered it.

I thought..........

 

There have been a lot of changes since BAD.

And, there have been a lot of changes AAD.

But this past 18 months ~

OY VEY!!!

By the time sabbatical week came

I was in the above state.

It wasn't fun! 

 

But God!

He wasted no time ~

He never does!

The first encounter that I would like to share

happened early on the first morning after my arrival.

I had spent some time in the water,

some time walking on the beach

and had set down to journal my experience:

 

The water is warm and calm this morning.

I walked out quite a way 

and rode the gentle waves back in several times. 

This water is such a reflection of You!

Sometimes warm and soft,

gently carrying me forward with no real effort on my part.

Other times wild and playful,

still others cold and foreboding

or angrily destroying all in its path.

Always powerful,

never controlled by man! 

 

It dawned on me that control was what it was all about!

 

I had wholly trusted God

when my plan and His aligned.

I had learned years earlier,

during what I then thought would be

the worst time of my life,

that trusting Him was the only way

to joy and peace.

 

But when my Al got cancer,

something changed.

Al died

and everything changed.

And God and I were off on a journey

of spiritual growth and discovery and healing

such as I had never experienced!

 

Along the way,

God brought me my Lanny Love.

Joy of joys!

Miracle of miracles!

Love and happiness came back to my life!

I never thought they would!

After the deepest devastation and loss and grief I had never known,

things were clicking along very nicely!

 

Then my Lanny Love got sick,

and fear and worry began to sneak back in.

About the time I began to relax just a little,

Covid became a life-threatening danger to him.

What was legitimate concern

and what was political maneuvering

became muddled.

The time came to put the home I love on the market,

and I had/have to trust that

He controls its sale.

When it was time to trust

that He had another home for us ~

even if He arranged it to be ready

before we thought the timing was right ~

I worried, panicked.

 

As all those things happened,

fear and doubt reached deeper and deeper into my soul!

I wanted my ordered, happy little world

where I served my husband,

cared for my home,

and worshipped and trusted the God

who gave it all far above and beyond

my fondest hopes, dreams, and prayers.

I wanted my easy life

where the shadows I carry with me

were comfortably in the background most of the time

and the sun shone brightly upon a splendid future.

 

I didn't think it.

I certainly didn't say it.

But buried down in there,

deep in the recesses of my heart,

there it was.

I needed control back...

...because God was messing things up

and I needed to fix it.

 

Of all the changes of widowhood,

this change above all things,

grieves me.

And I thought it grieved God,

but, I think not in the way I thought.

I think He knows me so well,

and loves me so much,

that He uses these times

to root out those things

that I have buried,

kept in places secret even from myself,

and to draw me even closer to Him!

And that pleases Him very much!!!

I am willing, my Daddy God,

my Father Creator,

my Purifier, Refiner!

Keep on growing me!

More to come...

Sabbatical - Prelude

The opportunity presented itself for me to take a sabbatical this past week.

So I did.

Let me define what I mean by sabbatical.

I am talking about a time dedicated to seeking God,

hearing his voice,

asking Him to teach and refine me in specific ways ~

and in ways I didn't realize I needed to be taught and refined.

It means spending time in His Word,

time sitting quietly,

time looking for Him and His lessons

in the ordinary happenings around me,

time journaling what I discovered about Him ~

and about myself.

It means rest from the stresses and work of ministry,

from worry about health or home or anything else.

 

Just God and me!

 

As those of you who followed my Caring Bridge blog

and, to some degree, the early days of this blog,

you will know that I spent a lot of time running away from home

in the early days of my widowhood.

While those were definitely times of alone time with God,

crying out to Him,

they were not sabbatical times,

they were survival times.

While I certainly learned during those times,

certainly experienced refinement,

certainly grew,

this was different.

This was not a time of

"Oh my goodness, I have to get out of here!"

running from loneliness and grief,

going wherever my car took me,

this was choosing a place where I knew God could most easily speak to me,

where I would most clearly see and hear Him,

with the intent of spiritual growth and refinement and rest.

It was needed!

And it was highly beneficial!

 

I chose the beach.

I drove 12 hours to get there,

12 hours to get home,

I spent two days walking and talking only with God.

 

Why the beach?

It's not the beauty, though certainly it is beautiful!

It's the feeling.

It's wild and serene at the same time.

I can feel the personality of God there.

The silky soft purity and warmth of the sand 

(His absolute love and acceptance of us,

the peace and joy and contentment He brings),

the power of the waves that are both unchanging and in constant movement 

(the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow,

dependable, yet everywhere and flexible

as He moves in the lives of His imperfect children),

the sea air that nourishes my parched skin, hair, eyes, lungs

(the Living Water that quenches our parched spirits).

When I sit or walk on the beaches, 

a quietness envelopes me.

The frenzied thoughts and constant movement that is Gina calms. 

As I play in the waves, 

exuberant joy washes away the cares of life 

and for those moments, 

I revel in the gifts He has given me 

without the caveats of

loss and grief, 

stress, 

"I need to be..." or "I should...", 

worry, 

all the negative things sin ushered into our lives. 

It's how it feels....

 

So, over the next little while,

I will be posting about some of God's work in me,

my time of sabbatical.

I pray He will use what He taught me

to move in other's lives as well.

 

 

 

September 3

Today is a hard day in our home.

Each year it is hard.

Each year it is different,

the emotions and character surrounding the day flux

but the constant is that it is 

 

Today it is eight years.

Eight long years.

Eight incredibly short years.

Eight years.

I am his best friend.

His lover.

His partner in life.

But I am not his first.

And today, I am not the one for whom he longs.

I totally get it!!!

 

Today, he remembers.

Today, he smiles...

...and cries.

Today, I can be supportive,

but I cannot fix it.

No matter how much I want to.

 

Today is hard.

 

Now God's presence is with [him],

and He will live with [him],

and [he] will be [His child].

 [And there will come a day...]

He will wipe away every tear from [his] eyes,

and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain,

because the old ways are gone. 

 

~~ Revelation 21:3-4