Sabbatical - The week before, the first lesson

From my prayer journal the week before my sabbatical:

 

I'm trying, Lord God!

I really am!

I'm trying to be positive and cheerful,

to trust You,

have faith,

but my head hurts

and I can't breath

and I'm scared...

 

Carry me, Lord,

for I cannot walk just now. 

 

Have you been here?

In the past months ~

who am I kidding? ~

in the past four years,

since my Lanny Love's diagnosis

of an autoimmune disease,

I have felt this way much of the time.

And the onset of Covid...

Well, suffice it to say,

this Before Al's Death (BAD) non-worrier

has become a worrier in a BIG way.

 

BAD, I didn't worry.

I trusted God much more.

After Al's Death (AAD)

this area became a struggle.

I thought I had conquered it.

I thought..........

 

There have been a lot of changes since BAD.

And, there have been a lot of changes AAD.

But this past 18 months ~

OY VEY!!!

By the time sabbatical week came

I was in the above state.

It wasn't fun! 

 

But God!

He wasted no time ~

He never does!

The first encounter that I would like to share

happened early on the first morning after my arrival.

I had spent some time in the water,

some time walking on the beach

and had set down to journal my experience:

 

The water is warm and calm this morning.

I walked out quite a way 

and rode the gentle waves back in several times. 

This water is such a reflection of You!

Sometimes warm and soft,

gently carrying me forward with no real effort on my part.

Other times wild and playful,

still others cold and foreboding

or angrily destroying all in its path.

Always powerful,

never controlled by man! 

 

It dawned on me that control was what it was all about!

 

I had wholly trusted God

when my plan and His aligned.

I had learned years earlier,

during what I then thought would be

the worst time of my life,

that trusting Him was the only way

to joy and peace.

 

But when my Al got cancer,

something changed.

Al died

and everything changed.

And God and I were off on a journey

of spiritual growth and discovery and healing

such as I had never experienced!

 

Along the way,

God brought me my Lanny Love.

Joy of joys!

Miracle of miracles!

Love and happiness came back to my life!

I never thought they would!

After the deepest devastation and loss and grief I had never known,

things were clicking along very nicely!

 

Then my Lanny Love got sick,

and fear and worry began to sneak back in.

About the time I began to relax just a little,

Covid became a life-threatening danger to him.

What was legitimate concern

and what was political maneuvering

became muddled.

The time came to put the home I love on the market,

and I had/have to trust that

He controls its sale.

When it was time to trust

that He had another home for us ~

even if He arranged it to be ready

before we thought the timing was right ~

I worried, panicked.

 

As all those things happened,

fear and doubt reached deeper and deeper into my soul!

I wanted my ordered, happy little world

where I served my husband,

cared for my home,

and worshipped and trusted the God

who gave it all far above and beyond

my fondest hopes, dreams, and prayers.

I wanted my easy life

where the shadows I carry with me

were comfortably in the background most of the time

and the sun shone brightly upon a splendid future.

 

I didn't think it.

I certainly didn't say it.

But buried down in there,

deep in the recesses of my heart,

there it was.

I needed control back...

...because God was messing things up

and I needed to fix it.

 

Of all the changes of widowhood,

this change above all things,

grieves me.

And I thought it grieved God,

but, I think not in the way I thought.

I think He knows me so well,

and loves me so much,

that He uses these times

to root out those things

that I have buried,

kept in places secret even from myself,

and to draw me even closer to Him!

And that pleases Him very much!!!

I am willing, my Daddy God,

my Father Creator,

my Purifier, Refiner!

Keep on growing me!

More to come...