January is past

Let me start this blog by saying
how wonderfully happy I am
in my marriage to my Lanny Love!
What a great blessing
our God has given us
in one another!
A repeated theme in the Bible
is one of restoration
and how amazingly He has restored us!

But while restoration
soothes the past,
it does not erase it.
My sweet Lanny Love
commented recently
how happy he was that God
brought us together,
that He knew we needed one another,
that we understood one another's
joy in the midst of sorrow.
That is such a truth!
Only someone who has experienced
this confusing dichotomy
of joy and grief at the same time
can fully appreciate
the confusion
that sometimes comes with

remarriage in widowhood.

My Lanny Love
is joyfully and happily
married to me.
He loves me!
And he always will!
And, he was joyfully and happily
married to his Judy.
He loved her!
And he still does and always will!
And before me,
he really missed her!
And he still does and always will!

I am
joyfully and happily
married to my Lanny Love.
I love him!
And I always will!
And, I was joyfully and happily
married to my Al.
I loved him!
And I still do and always will!
And before my Lanny Love,
I really missed him!
And I still do and always will!

I have grieved heavily the last couple of weeks
as the fourth anniversary
of my Al's death and burial
has approached and,
at last,
passed.
It has been that

can't sleep -

can't concentrate -

can't remember -

can't eat/want to eat everything in sight -

on the verge of tears all the time -

missing so much that it physically hurts -

kind of grief.
The kind of grief
that came in the early days.
All consuming awareness of absence
of the one I loved.
I watched in late August
and early September
as my Lanny Love went through the same thing.

One would think
that being so happily remarried
would make it better,
easier.
Some of my fellow widows
who have not remarried
certainly think so
as indicated by comments like

"Well, it's not as bad for you!

You have Lanny!"

And before I had my Lanny Love,
I thought that too.
Remarriage would make it better.
And it does.
Most of the time.
But in some ways,
it makes it worse.

There is that piece of my heart
that is Al's alone.
I cannot give it to my Lanny Love.
There is that piece of his heart
that belongs only to Judy.
He cannot give it to me!
There, in the midst of our love,
is that longing for another person.
The wanting to share something special
with them.
The wanting their comfort
in our feelings of loss and grief
over them.

The flip side of that longing
is guilt.
We have each fallen in love with,
and wholly given ourselves to,
another person.
Sometimes,
like in the midst of an intense grief wave,
it feels a bit like cheating.

"How could I do that?!?!?!"

I love both my Al

and my Lanny Love

with all my heart!

And I have felt

very disloyal

to both of them the last few weeks.

I know that this makes no sense.

I know it is emotions

not reality.

I know that at 4:59pm

on January 28, 2013,

I ceased to be a married woman.

I am not cheating,

am not being disloyal to my husband.

I know that when I get to Heaven,

I won't have two husbands,

I will have Jesus,

be the Bride of Christ!

But there they are.

Feelings of disloyalty and guilt.

Times two.

And so,

I have felt myself withdrawing.

And becoming clingy.

It's an odd thing.

Confusing to both of us.

Regardless of which side of the experience we are on.

Widowhood brings mourning.
But God brings morning!
And what a beautiful day has awakened!