I was married to my high school sweetheart for nearly 37 years.
Yesterday, as you know if you are a regular reader,
would have been our 39th anniversary.
It is the third wedding anniversary of my widowhood.
They aren't easier exactly,
but neither are they as painful.
They are different as time moves forward.
The first was just a few weeks after his death.
It hurt tremendously
but it didn't hurt any worse than every other excruciating day.
And, the numbness effect was still in force at that point.
Last year was horrendous!
No more numbness!
Just absence.
And loneliness.
And sorrow.
And tears.
This year was filled with soft memories.
There were some tears,
but their were just as many smiles -
more smiles than tears in fact!
He would have been pleased with how I handled the day yesterday.
And that pleased me.
We started "going steady" the summer before
our freshman/sophomore years of high school
and married 10 months after I graduated.
He was a very good man!
I still miss him!
I still grieve him!
I still love him!
I always will!
I didn't think I would ever want to remarry.
Insisted I wouldn't.
But I found,
as, dear readers,
you well know,
that I missed being married.
Love makes life more full,
more joyous,
more complete.
In our last coherent conversation,
Al said that he wanted me to remarry,
have a full life.
He said I was a woman who needed to be married.
He said I needed to be loved and cared for
and needed to love and care for someone myself.
He was right.
Some people don't understand that allowing one's self to love someone new
does not mean no longer loving the person
with whom one has spent the majority of their life
living and loving!
I can love a new man with all my heart
and still love Al with all my heart as well!
The love that will grow for my future husband
will be a living, growing thing,
just as Al's and my love once was.
But the love between Al and I is now complete.
Not dead, complete.
It is no different than loving a second child
wholly and completely
while still loving the first
wholly and completely.
Al is a part of who I am,
but he is no longer a part of who I will become
outside of the traits grief has given,
and continues to give me.
And I find that,
unlike those terrible days of all-consuming sorrow,
I am now able to think of him and our lives together
with a smile,
with appreciation for the memories.
I was very blessed to be loved by such a man!
And he was very blessed to be loved by me!
And I look forward to the future,
to being loved and loving again!
Yes, life is good!
It is for living!
And loving!
And I am ready!
And God is smiling on my healing heart!
Yesterday, as you know if you are a regular reader,
would have been our 39th anniversary.
It is the third wedding anniversary of my widowhood.
They aren't easier exactly,
but neither are they as painful.
They are different as time moves forward.
The first was just a few weeks after his death.
It hurt tremendously
but it didn't hurt any worse than every other excruciating day.
And, the numbness effect was still in force at that point.
Last year was horrendous!
No more numbness!
Just absence.
And loneliness.
And sorrow.
And tears.
This year was filled with soft memories.
There were some tears,
but their were just as many smiles -
more smiles than tears in fact!
He would have been pleased with how I handled the day yesterday.
And that pleased me.
We started "going steady" the summer before
our freshman/sophomore years of high school
and married 10 months after I graduated.
He was a very good man!
I still miss him!
I still grieve him!
I still love him!
I always will!
I didn't think I would ever want to remarry.
Insisted I wouldn't.
But I found,
as, dear readers,
you well know,
that I missed being married.
Love makes life more full,
more joyous,
more complete.
In our last coherent conversation,
Al said that he wanted me to remarry,
have a full life.
He said I was a woman who needed to be married.
He said I needed to be loved and cared for
and needed to love and care for someone myself.
He was right.
Some people don't understand that allowing one's self to love someone new
does not mean no longer loving the person
with whom one has spent the majority of their life
living and loving!
I can love a new man with all my heart
and still love Al with all my heart as well!
The love that will grow for my future husband
will be a living, growing thing,
just as Al's and my love once was.
But the love between Al and I is now complete.
Not dead, complete.
It is no different than loving a second child
wholly and completely
while still loving the first
wholly and completely.
Al is a part of who I am,
but he is no longer a part of who I will become
outside of the traits grief has given,
and continues to give me.
And I find that,
unlike those terrible days of all-consuming sorrow,
I am now able to think of him and our lives together
with a smile,
with appreciation for the memories.
I was very blessed to be loved by such a man!
And he was very blessed to be loved by me!
And I look forward to the future,
to being loved and loving again!
Yes, life is good!
It is for living!
And loving!
And I am ready!
And God is smiling on my healing heart!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him,
and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.
~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~
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