Listening, talking, and (shudder) self-discipline

 

 

 

 

 "Many people think they are listening 

when in fact they are simply talking a break from talking - 

pausing to reload their verbal guns."

 

~~ Gary Chapman,

The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional  ~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

My daughter, Aleisha, is an extraordinary listener.

For the past nearly seven years

I have watched in fascination at her skill.

When Aleisha is conversing with you,

there is no one else in the room.

 

She was already a youth minister when we met

and she became mine.

I would watch her after church,

this very popular and much loved young woman,

who often had a line of people,

young and old,

waiting for audience.

I don't think she was aware of that.

Her focus was so completely

on the person to whom she was listening,

and to whom she occasionally commented or replied,

that she was basically unaware of anything else going on around her.

It didn't matter the "importance"

of the people waiting to speak with her,

the person in front of her

was the most important person in the room!

I am not a good listener.

I used to think I was 

because I was very shy

and didn't speak much,

but my mind was not focused

on the person speaking,

it was focused on what I might reply,

or worse,

what someone across the room was doing,

why so-and-so wasn't there,

and so on.

As I began to overcome my shyness

I began to realize that I was not a good listener - 

at all! -

I was only a good non-interrupter,

and I began to not even be that! 

On Christmas day, Aleisha and I were talking about her gift.

I wondered how she did it,

was it a gift or a learned behavior

and if learned, how.

We talked a lot that afternoon

and decided it was a combination of the two -

and discipline.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate that word?

Discipline

It's not a pretty word.

It doesn't look pretty.

It doesn't feel good on your tongue.

It's especially offensive when paired with the word "self".

 

Self-discipline takes intentionality.

Self-discipline requires choosing to do something differently.

Self-discipline takes practice.

A lot of practice!

 

I had to wonder to myself,

"Exactly how much do you want to be a better listener?"

Because, the more I have thought about it over the years,

the more I have realized I not only am not good at it,

I'm downright bad at it.

In every area, not just conversation.

 

My mind is a pin-ball machine,

bouncing and pinging from one thing to the next quickly

and without direction.

It pinged a lot in school.

It pings during sermons and Sunday School.

Even when I am watching TV

or at a movie

or reading a really good book,

💥Ping!

Ping!💥

💥Ping!

And it pings during conversations.

 

I learned to refocus at school -

albeit, half-heartedly.

I learned to bring my mind back to Sunday School,

and to church.

Sometimes, if the television show or movie or book

is really interesting,

I bring it back to those -

though more often than not,

I must move away from those things for a minute or two

to make it happen.

But I have not learned to bring it back

to focusing completely on

what the other person in a conversation is saying to me!

And that is a HUGE failure!!!

AND, it is just plain rude!!!

So here I go

on another walk with God

as He teaches me that what they are saying

is far more important than how I should respond.

That they are more important in that moment

than who else wants to speak with me

or who else I want to talk to and am afraid of missing

or who else just walked in

or what I should make for dinner

or............

anything else in that moment!

 

It will take prayer. 

It will take concentrated effort.

It will take self-discipline.

It will be worth it!

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. 

~~ Proverbs 18:13 ~~

 

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

~~ Proverbs 18:2 ~~