Nine years.....

Nine years.

Nine full years.

Nine infinitely long years.

Nine of the fastest years of my life.

Nine years since my Al went Home.

 

As I complete this ninth year as Al’s widow,

I can’t help but think of how different it was from the eight before it –

and how different it is from those to come.

Each is different.

Each is the same.

 

My grief has settled into its lifetime state I think.

Most of my days are filled with laughter and joy.

They are filled with what has become normal.

A different normal,

no longer new normal,

simply normal.

 

In the beginning, there was only

anguish,

confusion,

loneliness,

loss,

poor choices,

forgetfulness,

grief…

Then came the quiet stillness, just me and God…

Then fearful obedience to His guidance…

A few pigs, a few frogs, a couple friends, then my Lanny Love.

 

As I look back, I marvel!

At God and His handiwork!

No doubt, those of you who have walked with me marvel as well!

 

But I am still my Al’s widow.

And today is still hard.

I still miss him.

I still love him.

This fact does not negate what I have.

And what I have does not negate this fact.

 

I have learned some things in this journey.

I have been refined.

It has been the hard way!!!

But it has been God’s way!

 

Some of the things I have learned about widowed grief:

 

❤The “firsts” don’t end with the first year.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild took a February bride.

It is hard to think that he did not even know

our precious new granddaughter.

He would have loved her!

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

we found out our first great-grandchild would arrive this coming April

that he would be a boy.

My Al was not here to celebrate this first with them –

or with me.

 

In this ninth year,

our first grandchild realized a lifelong dream,

graduating from the Police Academy

and becoming a first responder hero.

I can see him in my mind,

beaming with pride!

My Al was not here to celebrate this great dream realization with him –

or with me.

 

Each year has had a first.

I imagine each coming year will as well -

I know that, in 2 ½ months,

there will be a “first” in this tenth year when

he will not be here to hold sweet baby Grayson

in his giant arms.

He adored his grandchildren!

Now I – and they - can only imagine how excited he would be.

He will not be here to celebrate with them,

                                or with me.

Each "first" squeezes my heart with longing.

Sometimes it is painful.

 

❤I have learned you can’t prepare.

 

I foolishly thought I could prepare for hard days.

But sometimes the ones I think will be hard aren’t

and sometimes the ones I don’t see coming

knock me on my face.

 

❤I have learned that January will probably always be hard

along with his birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Days.

But January 28^th might not be.

Or it might be excruciating.

And I can’t know which way it will go until I get there.

So might any given Tuesday.

           For no reason at all.

 

I have learned so many things through widowhood -

it would take a book to list them all!

Some of them are hard, sad things.

Things I would never have guessed.

Some thrill me to no end.

 

But the greatest thing I have learned through widowhood is this:

 

God is faithful!

God is loving!

God is kind!

God knows what is best for me!

God knows what He is doing!

 

Given His knowledge and foresight

would I have allowed my life to play out as it has?

No, very likely, a resounding no!

I would have avoided the pain - all the pain!

Given my own hindsight

am I glad He is in control

and has guided my life as He has?

Without doubt!

It is good we don’t know what is coming for the most part

not just because we couldn't bear to know of the coming pain,

but because if we changed it,

while we would miss the pain,

            we would also miss the refinement,

                        the growth,

                                    and a lot of the joys

that result from the pain as well -

if we let God work.

 

Today, I miss my Al deeply.

I long to see him,

talk with him,

hold his hand,

kiss his face,

hear him sing,

        see his pride in the great young men

                                                      our grandsons have become,

see him adoring our granddaughter,

loving our new granddaughter,

            loving me…

 

Today, I long to pick up his tea bag off the counter

and put it in the trash,

would give anything to be annoyed by…

…whatever indiscretion that foolishly bothered me back then.

 

Today, I wish it had not taken death to realize

the folly of my annoyance.

 

                  Today, I will remember…

                                                              so much…..

 

And today, I will give myself grace,

I will allow the longing and sorrow that means

I have been blessed with a great, unending love

for the man who was my husband for 37 years.

I will sit at his gravesite

and talk with him,

likely shed some tears.

And I will not feel guilty.

Because I have learned

that there is no guilt in true love!

 

As I walk into this tenth year,

I anticipate it will be different.

Because each one is.

There will be some hard days.

Because there always are.

And there will be an abundance of happy days.

Because in the last several,

there always have been.

 

I will continue to learn about widowhood

and grief

and life.

I will continue to learn about

the sovereignty of God.

 

Praise Him forever and forever!

 

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows

~~ Isaiah 53:4 ~~

 

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you,

I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~~Isaiah 41:10 ~~

 

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.

~~ Zephaniah 3:17 ~~

 

He will swallow up death forever,

and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.

~~ Isaiah 25:8 ~~