So I did a thing....

I want to share a deeply personal
event with you.

Today, Al's '75 Maverick
was hauled away
to be prepped for sale.
It was much more difficult
than I anticipated.

As I watched the tow company
load the vehicle
I unexpectedly began to cry.
And as they drove off,
I began to video it.
And sob.


I posted the video on Facebook
not realizing that my tears
could be heard on the recording
until a friend mentioned it.
I considered taking the post down.
But I didn't.
And here's why.

Grief over the loss of a mate
is different than any other kind of grief.
The only thing similar is grief
over the loss of a child.
I am in no way minimizing
the loss of other relationships!
I have lost
parents, grandparents, other relatives, and friends.
It is difficult.
But it is different.
Today's post is about spouse grief.

People don't understand.
I get that.
Neither did I.
Until I experienced it.
And sometimes,
it still takes me by surprise.
Like today.

You see,
when you lose a spouse,
everything changes.
Everything!
Every single moment
of every single day
of every single week
of every single month
of every single year
for the rest of your life
is different.

You know that feeling,
when you reach for the phone
to call your mom or your best friend
and realize you can't because they are dead.
That.
All. The. Time.
Every. Single. Moment.
When you get up in the morning,

they aren't there.

When you go to bed at night,

they aren't there.

When you eat your meals,

they aren't there.

When you have a success,

they aren't there.

When you have a failure,

they aren't there.

When you want to cry,

they aren't there.

When you have a funny joke,

they aren't there.

When it's time to mow the lawn,

they aren't there.

When it's time to pay the bills,

they aren't there.

When it's time to shop for a new car,

they aren't there.

When your kids do something great,

they aren't there.

When they do something awful,

they aren't there.

When your grandchildren graduate,
or when your first grandchild is born,
or when you get the dream job,
or get fired,
or....everything,

they aren't there.

Forever.

And people expect you to get "over" that.
But you don't.
Because they aren't there,
and they never will be again,
and that affects everything.
All your activities,

all your decisions,

all your life.

Someone once said to me
that their grief was worse than mine
because I could replace a husband
but they couldn't replace their relationship,
it was forever lost.
And there is some truth to that.
I can have another husband
and they can't have another person in their same relationship.
But their relationship,
though a lifetime one,
was not a daily one.
Their every, single moment was not altered.
And I cannot replace Al with another.
for no one else is Al.

I had people say to me that they were so glad
that I was over Al
when I started dating.
I was not "over" him.
But it was time.
It was time to begin living
not simply existing.
It was time to move forward -
not on.

And when I met my Lanny Love,
I fell quickly and deeply and completely
in love with him
and he with me.
Which simply meant that I loved two men
with my whole heart,
and he loved two women
with his whole heart.
And can I be really honest here?
It helped.
It really did.
But it didn't replace my love for Al
or his for Judy
any more than a second child
replaces the love you have for the first -
or for a deceased child.
Your heart simply expands.
I am very blessed by God
in my marriage.
Both of them.

As active grief
gave way to normal,
I began to have what grief experts call
"blindsides".
Those unexpected waves of intense loss and sorrow.
In the beginning,
those are every moment.
But as our psyche
begins to learn to cope,
those times come in waves,
less and less often
and shorter in duration
as time goes on.

Nearly seven years later,
that is what happened to me today.
A blindside.
A wave of intense grief
as I gave up another piece
of my beloved,
my Al.
And an intense gratitude
as my beloved,
my Lanny Love,
spoke words of comfort
and understanding.

Now this is not to say
that grief is forever raw anguish!
It softens, becomes bearable over time.
Because you learn to bear it.
Just like any other pain.
And you learn to live

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And you learn to thrive

in spite of it -

and because of it.

And if you are incredibly blessed,
you learn to love again

in spite of it -

and because of it.

But you do not get over it.

The point of this post is to shed light.
You see,
we all will face the loss of a spouse in some form.
Either we will lose our own spouse,
or someone to whom we are close
will lose theirs.
So I left my post up,
in spite of the deeply personal,
raw grief that it revealed
to all my friends and family.
And I post this because
people need to understand 
that grief is hard! 
That it softens, 
but doesn't end.
That there will forever be raw moments. 
That we move forward, 

we live again, 

love again, 

are happy, 

but we are forever changed. 

We don't move past grief,
we live through it.
We honor the memory of our loved one 
with our lives 
by learning to live in the midst
of the deepest of losses! 
People tend to think that
those who have lost a spouse
have forgotten, moved on
when they remarry.
You need to know we don't!
We still love,

still miss,

still grieve,

sometimes actively.

So give yourself,
your friends,
your moms and dads,
your sisters and brothers,
your co-workers,
whomever has lost a spouse,
some grace and mercy.
Grow with them as they grow
and change - for they will!
Don't expect that they will ever be the same again
or get "over" their loss - for they won't.

 "You have done many good things for me, Lord,

just as you promised."

                                                                          ~~ Psalm 119:65 ~~