Remembering and moving forward

He asked.
And I said yes.

I've mentioned that I remember dates.

Today I remember.

One year ago.

Until one has walked it,

one cannot understand

the brokenness that comes from the death of a spouse.

I am not going to try to explain it

for mere words cannot do justice

to the agony.

On the flip side,

mere words cannot do justice

to the joy of  camouflaged pain

when one falls in love again.

And, oh my, how he had camouflaged the pain!

And, oh my, how much worse it was

when the camouflage was lifted

and new pain was added.

They say that very often

couples who love deeply,

who have deeply committed marriages,

remarry quickly when one dies.

I never understood that.

 

In my early 20's,

Al and I knew a couple who were very much in love.

She and one of their children

was killed in a car accident.

Eleven months later,

he remarried.

I was appalled.

Now I understand.

That hole,

that ginormous hole,

that tremendous void,

screams to be filled.

And while one realizes the person cannot ever be replaced,

the relationship can.

And so, I, 

with God's permission,

 began looking for that relationship.

Marriage.

Since Al's death,

I have met several couples

who remarried within a year of the death of their spouse.

Three of them lost their spouses after I lost Al

and two of those met their spouse and remarried

within three months.

Their were a lot of clicking tongues and wagging fingers.

Can I just say this?

Don't judge!

But Harlan?

Now it's over.

Over.

And it is time to move forward.

And I admit it.

I'm scared.

And sad.

And excited.