Grief

I am feeling worn today.
Weary, absolutely bone weary.
Not so much physically.
I am emotionally and spiritually weary.

I have heard "It's been nearly two years since he died.

It's time to get over it!"

I've heard, "You can't still love him, miss him that much!

You fell in love with someone else!"

Well they're wrong!

I spent 37 years as Al's wife.

And another five as his girlfriend.

And no matter how much I love another,

he is not Al.

Al cannot be replaced.

He was not instead of.

He was in addition too.

I will never "get over" Al.

I've heard, "You broke up with him nearly a year ago!

It's time to get over it!"

I've heard, "Why would you still love someone who did that to you???"

I've heard, "Be glad he's stopped calling!"

I've heard, "Just move on!"

Well they're wrong.

Because I didn't break up because I stopped loving him.

And the hurt I am experiencing now is not only loss,

it is acceptance.

 

Maybe I love more deeply.

Maybe I'm just more open about my pain.

Maybe those who feel that way haven't walked my journey.

Whatever, people don't understand.

To be honest with you, neither do I for the most part.

I confuse myself!

"Feeling hopeful!"

"Feeling hopeless!"

"Ready to start dating again!"

"Not ready to start dating yet!"

Oy vey!

I think grief is kind of like having pierced ears.

It really hurts when that hole is created!

You realize that it is a permanent hole.

But that scar tissue will form and it won't hurt anymore.

And the scar tissue forms.

But the hole is still there.

So we fill the hole with pretty ornaments.

But it's still there.

And without the ornaments, it's ugly.

And, even years and years later, sometimes it gets infected.

And it hurts again.

It needs concentrated attention.

Light, easy ornamentation.

But no matter what, the holes are there.

Always.

Or maybe it's like a cavity.

It really, really hurts!!!

It's sensitive to hot.

It's sensitive to cold.

It's sensitive to sweet.

So you go to the dentist.

He drills it out.

Fills it up.

And you can eat again.

But every now and again, it's still sensitive.

And even though the hole no longer shows to the naked eye,

it's still there.

It's just filled.

I have two holes in my heart.

They will always be there.

Because nothing can remove them.

Even when I fill them, the holes are still there..

There is not another Al.

Only he can fill that hole.

And he is gone.

There is not another Harlan.

Only he can fill that hole.

And he is gone.

But here's the thing!

Thankfully there is a thing!

The ear hole doesn't always hurt!

And the earrings are pretty and pleasing!

And the tooth repair mostly fixes the pain!

It's only occasional!

And when you smile, or eat, or drink, it looks and feels normal!

My ears are not the same.

They never will be.

My teeth are not the same.

They never will be.

They have been permanently altered.

Permanently.

But not fatally.

Not forever in full-blown trauma!

I am in a moment of infection.

A moment of heat sensitivity.

But it will pass.

Because that's the way life is.

Because I am continuing to choose joy

even in the moments!

Because I am choosing life over existence!

Because tomorrow is another day!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~