Season of Thanks, Day Thirty

As I wrap up this "Season of Thanks" I am particularly grateful today.

For I have experienced my own little Thanksgiving miracle.

This morning, during my time with The Lord, I was crying out to Him over an individual for whom, an impossible situation about which I have been praying for many months. A war has been waging between my mind and my heart. I was begging for assurance one way or the other, resolution. Let me share a bit of my prayer journal with you.

Lord, I need Your help! I need to know for certain.

Bring me to assurance one way or the other.

[Not the first time I have prayed this prayer! Then suddenly...]

Wow! I just "heard" You!

"Do You trust me?"

"Yes, Lord, I trust You! Help me to trust You more!"

Again, wow!

"Then wait on Me."

"Yes, Lord, I will wait.

I'm not patient

and I'm weary and worn,

but I will wait."

From my heart!

And peace washed over me!

Then this morning's sermon.

Miracles.

And waiting for them.

And trusting God.

Then Pastor Wayne said those exact words!

"Do you trust God? Then wait on Him!"

I could almost hear the "Gina" in the question and command!

Finally, this afternoon, I heard a phrase:

"Listen to your mind, but follow your heart."

Okay.

This is not the first time I have heard God speak.

But it's the first time in more than a year it's been almost audible.

And the last time involved this same individual.

This feels like the same type of miraculous "intervention" that happened to me last year in 

San Antonio when I was grieving Al to the point of death.

The San Antonio Miracle I call it.

I continue to miss and love Al, grieve him, but never again to the point of death.

This day holds the same miraculous importance.

Nothing has changed.

I still don't know the outcome.

But I know The One who does!

It has been a good day. 

The best in a long, long while!

Because God has spoken.

And I have trusted.

Today, I am grateful for God's Voice!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-nine

Praise for the Lord’s Goodness.

A Psalm, a Song for the Sabbath day.

92 It is good to give thanks to the Lord
And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;
² To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning
And Your faithfulness by night,
³ With the ten-stringed lute and with the harp,

With resounding music upon the lyre.
⁴ For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done,
I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.

⁵ How great are Your works, O Lord!
Your thoughts are very deep.
⁶ A senseless man has no knowledge,
Nor does a stupid man understand this:
⁷ That when the wicked sprouted up like grass
And all who did iniquity flourished,
It was only that they might be destroyed forevermore.
⁸ But You, O Lord, are on high forever.
⁹ For, behold, Your enemies, O Lord,
For, behold, Your enemies will perish;
All who do iniquity will be scattered.

¹⁰ But You have exalted my horn like that of the wild ox;
I have been anointed with fresh oil.
¹¹ And my eye has looked exultantly upon my foes,
My ears hear of the evildoers who rise up against me.
¹² The righteous man will flourish like the palm tree,
He will grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
¹³ Planted in the house of the Lord,
They will flourish in the courts of our God.
¹⁴ They will still yield fruit in old age;
They shall be full of sap and very green,
¹⁵ To declare that the Lord is upright;
He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.

                                        ~~Psalm 92 NAST ~~

Christmas Lights

I am a romantic.

Have always been one.

I love sappy love stories and movies.

I love when true love wins out.

I love quiet dinners and candlelight.

I love a warm fireplace and a glass of wine.

I love hayrides and bonfires.

I love picnics on a blanket by the lake.

I love falling into each other's arms in a fit of giggles.

I love soft kisses and warm embraces.

I love romance.

Christmas lights are romantic to me.

The sparkle and twinkle.

The beauty.

The softness of the lighting.

The gentleness of the season.

The excitement of the season.

Yup. Christmas lights are romantic. 

And I am lonely.

On guard!!!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-eight

My sweet little granddaughter spent the night last night. As usual, we had a great time together. But the first thing she has said the last couple times she's been over is "Where's grammie's Christmas???"  Her house and Aunt Chrys' house exploded with Christmas a couple weeks ago. Grammie's house still looked the same.

Last year I didn't decorate. I was waiting for... well, nevermind, I didn't decorate. A first for me. I'm quite ridiculous about Christmas. I decided a while back that this year I would decorate regardless of how I felt, regardless of the fact that I will be doing it alone and for just myself. Because I like doing it. And it's okay to do it alone. And just for me. So last week I went out to the shed to bring in the Christmas bins. I stood in the doorway. I looked at the bins. I thought about last year, the expectations, the disappointment, the sorrow. I thought about the year before. The massive decorations. Al's hospital bed in the dining room with a Christmas tree at the foot of his bed.

I closed and locked the shed door and went in the house.

But my little Kylie-girl wants Christmas at grammie's. So Christmas at grammie's there will be! Furniture has been rearranged! Bins and tins of ornaments and lights and garland are everywhere! 

Three trees are up and lighted. The Christmas dishes are mostly washed and put away. And tomorrow, I will begin opening the bins of ornaments. The years of collections. The dated ones for every single year of my marriage. The one dated 2013 that has dual meaning and may or may not make it onto one of the trees. The homemade ornaments: those made by my children through the years; those made by me as "home room mom" when the girls were little; those made by dear friends and loved ones; those made by me because I like crafting; those made by Al because so did he. The ornaments from our very first Christmas tree: the little wooden train; the little brass instruments; the little brass rocking chair; the little wooden airplane; the one that says "Our First Christmas, 1976"; the ones given to us by our mothers because our little tree didn't have many including the Mr. and Mrs. Clause from my mother-in-law and the pine cone Santa and snowman that were on my very first Christmas tree and every Christmas tree of my life. Lots and lots of memories.

I expect there will be some tears. I expect there will be some smiles. I expect it will hurt a little. Or a lot. I expect it will bring a little joy. Or a lot. But, contrary to what I thought last week, I am glad I am decorating. I feel a bit of excitement for the first time in a while. And it feels nice.

So tonight, I am grateful for my little Kylie's insistence that grammie needs Christmas at her house too!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-seven

It's THE day. Thanksgiving! The day the "Season of Thanks" builds toward. The official celebration of all our blessings.

On Sunday, our pastor talked about the first Thanksgiving. The hardships the Mayflower passengers experienced were extreme. There were 106 passengers when they embarked, 106 landed. One had died, one had been born. Of 42 wives, 40 died in the first year in their new home. I don't know how many husbands and children died. There was sickness and hunger and cold and loneliness and homesickness. And yet, on that day in 1621 the remaining passengers and the friends they had made felt it important to thank God for the many blessings He had bestowed on them.

May we follow their example!

Today I am thankful!

God's great mercy and grace

Salvation

My wonderful daughters

My delightful grandchildren
My fine sons-in-law

Their health

Their prosperity

My health

My prosperity

Good friends

A nice home

All our needs

Many of our wants

A Bible believing, preaching church

The sweet memories of past Thanksgivings with my Al

The knowledge that we will meet again for all eternity

Lessons of the past several years

Spiritual growth of the past several years

Siblings whom I love and whom love me

God's Word to teach, convict, comfort, encourage

The opportunity to love again

The call to prayer for him

 And so much more

 I am so blessed!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-six

Four blissful, restful, wonderful days off!!!

Today, I am grateful for days off!!!!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-five

What a difference a year makes.

This week 2011.

We didn't know yet. Al and I had just returned from Washington D.C. We'd had a wonderful time! The best vacation we'd ever taken! We were relaxed and happy and content. More so than ever before. Al had not been feeling well, and I was concerned, but the doctor had assured us over and over that he was just getting older, just had the flu, just needed to lose weight, just...... We were content with our lives, both in jobs we enjoyed, our relationship which had always been filled with "adventure" was calm and steady and firm. We were happy.


This week 2012.

We knew. Al was still alive, but he was dying. His time was very short. We were praying he would make it to Christmas and the new year. He really wanted to make it to the new year. It was a terrible time, filled with pain and agony and grief and sorrow and dread. And with forced cheerfulness. We tried to make it the best Thanksgiving ever. Because we knew. It would be our last together.


This week 2013.

Al was gone. I was grieving - harder than I expected. Much harder. I had no idea how very difficult it would be. Impossible sometimes. But two months earlier, Harlan had come into my life. So my grief and sorrow were tempered with joy and happiness. I was in love, unexpectedly, deliriously, deeply, completely in love. And while I missed Al terribly, spent hours and hours of time at the cemetery, wept daily for him, it was bearable because God had given me what I truly thought I would never have again. And I was so grateful!


This week 2014.

No Al. I grieve him still, love him, miss him, weep for him. No Harlan. I grieve him, love him, miss him, weep for him. My days are filled with harsh reality, loneliness, grief, sorrow, longing. I struggle to find the silver linings. Struggle to find gratitude. Struggle.

I have changed so much. In 2011 I was a happy, cheerful, positive, smart, active woman. I was more than capable, I excelled at my job, at most anything I put my hands to. I miss that Gina. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my mind slogging through the grief fog. I'm tired of not thinking and learning easily. I'm tired of doing stupid things. I'm tired of everything taking huge effort. I'm tired of not seeing the positive, the silver lining. I'm tired of having to work at gratitude rather than it just being there no matter what because things could always be worse. I'm tired.

I pray, please, please, please God, I pray that another year will make another difference and may they be good, glad, joyous differences. May He restore to me the joy of His salvation, the joy of life. May He restore to me true gratefulness in all things. May this year make a difference!

Thank You, Lord, for loving me in my dark hours. Thank You for understanding when I just can't seem to pull it together. Thank You for carrying my when I can't carry myself. Thank You for being here when I can't feel You, hear You, or see You. Thank You for where You are taking me and for whatever it is that I am learning from this! Thank You for the silver lining, for even though I can't see it right now, it is there! Thank You for the years with Al! Thank You for the months with Harlan! Thank You for the great sorrow for it means their was great love! Thank You for the struggles for they have a purpose for my good and Your glory or You wouldn't allow them! Thank You for being God, the Mighty Creator, the Great Saviour of my soul, the Healer of my heart! I will trust You! I will serve You! I will praise You! Though You take everything from me, yet will I praise You for You are worthy!

Habakkuk’s Complaint

2 How long, Lord, must I call for help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
but you do not save?
3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.
4 Therefore the law is paralyzed,
and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
so that justice is perverted.

The Lord’s Answer

5 “Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
~~ Habakkuk 1:2-5 NLT ~~

Something so amazing... to God be the glory!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-four

I am imperfect.

I know, it's a shock to some of you.

Okay, it's a shock to none of you.

I am physically imperfect.

Emotionally imperfect.

Mentally imperfect.

Intellectually imperfect.

Spiritually imperfect.

I am imperfect in every way!

Except one.

But whoever obeys His Word

has the love of God made perfect in him.

This is the way to know if you belong to Christ.

                                                   ~~ I John 2:5 NLT ~~

Today, I am grateful for the Love of God perfected in me. Perfected in imperfect me! Thank you, Jesus for making it possible!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-three

I was very tempted to stay home from church this morning. This has been a very difficult few weeks. I have found the memories that fill this period of time hard to deal with. This morning, I wakened early, more than an hour before the alarm, in tears and continued crying for the three hours until time to leave. I was tempted to stay home, as I said. But God said, "Go on to church, My child." So, crying all the way, I went. When I arrived, I repaired my face as much as possible in the car and went in to worship where I wept through the entire song service filled with songs of praise and gratitude. I was tempted to leave. But God said, "Stay!" So I did. 

Then, Pastor Wayne Griffin began speaking. He talked to us about being grateful in all circumstances - for we have much for which to be grateful! Even if our lives are filled with sorrow! Even when things go wrong! Psalm 103 was his text. 

 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

 

The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

He revealed his character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
The Lord is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!

The Lord has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.

Praise the Lord, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.

Let all that I am praise the Lord.

After church, I was again tempted to leave. But the Lord said, "Go to Sunday School." So I went to my car, repaired the tear damage as much as possible and went to Sunday School. Phyllis talked about Mary and her reaction to the news that she, an unmarried woman, would soon bear a child, the Saviour of the world. Mary should have been mightily upset - in that day and age, in a best case scenario, she had been given a sentence of a lifetime of shame and rejection, at worst, a death sentence. But she wasn't upset. Instead she praised God. 

Mary responded,                                                                              

                                                                              

"Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.
For the Mighty One is holy,
and he has done great things for me.
He shows mercy from generation to generation
to all who fear him.
His mighty arm has done tremendous things!
He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.
He has brought down princes from their thrones
and exalted the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
and sent the rich away with empty hands.
He has helped his servant Israel
and remembered to be merciful.
For he made this promise to our ancestors,
to Abraham and his children forever.”

                                                    ~~ Luke 1:46-55 ~~

I needed to hear these two people speak today! I needed to be reminded that my circumstances are not my joy! Having a mate is not my joy! Jesus is my joy! And nothing, no one, can steal that!

Tonight, I am grateful for a Bible believing, Bible teaching church. And I am grateful that God meets us at our point of need, speaks to us through His Word and His servants to provide comfort, light in the darkness!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-two

My grandson, Ashton, decided to give the symphony a try.

So I had a handsome date tonight after all.

Tonight I am grateful for symphony and Ashton!

Meandering

My thoughts are wandering today.

Hormones and Exercise:

I heard recently that hormone levels in both men and women during the first four waking hours are high. As a result, people who exercise during those hours are more likely to have a heart attack. I knew morning exercise was not my thing! Tried it for a while "with" Harlan. The one thing about our breakup that made me glad, I went back to sensible evening exercise! I pray he is no longer running in the mornings....

And The Weirdness Continues:

So, this morning, I met a man for the first time in a business setting. 

He noticed my hands and commented on my wedding rings saying that

my husband must really love me. I responded, "Yes, he did. And I loved him." He said, "Did?" I explained that he had "recently" passed away. He reached for my hand, said sincerely that he was sorry and I thanked him, retrieving my hand. Several more times, he found the opportunity to take my hand in the form of a handshake, finally telling me that my hands were soft. That went to I was beautiful. That went to a request for a date. I declined, explaining that I am not dating. So far, other than his hand shaking penchant, all is well. Then he asked if he could take a picture with me so he could show it to people and tell them I am his girlfriend.

Really??? I'd sure like to know what kind of signal I'm putting out there

and turn it off!!! Is this just the world of men and women now?

Symphony:

 

So tonight is the symphony. You may remember I was going to go with a gentleman. Not happening. I will be attending with my youngest daughter! Soooo excited!!! It's been a long time since just she and I had a "date". I'm really looking forward to it. I tried to talk one of my grandsons into going but one wasn't interested in the symphony and the other is interested in his girlfriend. Ah for the good ol' days when grammie was their best girl!

 In the News:

So, Bill Cosby. Everyone's favorite dad. Turns out he rapes little girls (so far at least one was under the age of 18) and women. Really? Like their wouldn't have been plenty of women willing? You have to drug and rape the ones who aren't??? Guess I answered my question of an earlier post. All men are pigs.....

Newman's Own:

I heard recently that 100% of the profit from all Newman's Own products is donated to charity (read the front label too...) - more than $400 million to date. Thanks, Paul Newman! Handsome, talented, and philanthropic - HEY!!! Maybe they aren't all pigs!

Taking Care of Business:

So I booked a flight last night to take care of some personal business on the west coast. It's something I need to do for my own peace of mind. One way or the other, some things will finally be resolved so that my mind and my heart can come together in agreement about something. I had planned to do it last spring, but canceled. This time I will go! There will be issues to deal with regardless of the outcome, but I will at last know for sure. And that will be very, very good!

Curiosity:

I have developed quite a following from other countries. China and Canada follow quite a lot. I also have readers from Germany, Bermuda, Poland, China, Ukraine, Romania, Malaysia, France, and for a couple weeks, one Australian reader, and a number of other countries. I'd love to hear from you. How did you find my site and where are you from?

Until this evening's Season of Thanks...........

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-one

I have to admit that I am struggling to be thankful in all things today.

I am weary.

Physically,             

mentally,                          

emotionally,                                     

and spiritually.                                                   

Weary.

I wonder if Jesus ever grows weary.

Certainly He did during His time on earth.

But I wonder if He grows weary now.

Weary of His children struggling

when they should trust.

Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't.

I don't know.

But I know this.

Jesus loves me!

 In my struggles,

Jesus loves me!

In my doubt,

Jesus loves me!

In my weariness,

Jesus loves me!

And you know what?

Jesus loves you too!

Today, I am grateful for the love of Jesus!

Season of Thanks, Day Twenty

"Come to Me, and rest in My peace...Instead of trying to figure things out yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything. As you lean on Me in trusting dependence, you feel peaceful and complete...Leave outcomes up to Me. Follow Me where I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out. Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion...concentrat[e] on staying in step with Me. When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help...Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to me."

~~ "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young ~~                

Thank you, Jesus!

Season of Thanks, Day Nineteen

 Last night, I slept nearly all night long! I did not wake and stay awake for hours, I did not have rest-disturbing dreams. I did not toss and turn. I slept. And I woke this morning feeling rested and ready to face my day. And it was a good day!

Tonight I am grateful for sleep!

Are ALL men pigs???

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have had several men express an interest in dating me. I would like to give the men of the world some pointers.

• Your wife or girlfriend really does mind if you date.
• Saying to a woman you just met that you find her attractive, that you'd like to take her out sometime, and that your car is an automatic which frees your right hand up "for other activities" is not a good opening line for most women. If you are looking for a woman who will like that line, you can find plenty of them on "the Boulevard" in my city and it will cost you less than dinner and a movie and won't take as much of your valuable time.
• If a woman is wearing a wedding ring, whether she is married or not, she is not interested in dating.
• If you are wearing a wedding ring, or if there is evidence that you recently were wearing one, she is not interested in dating you.
• The following statements are not ringing endorsements that would encourage a woman to accept your invitation:
• "I used to do drugs but I mostly quit nearly five years ago."
• "I used to drink a lot but I gave it up a while back except for a couple six-packs once or twice a week. But no hard stuff anymore."
• "I'm not even going to try to give up smoking or sex! Everyone has a vice!"
• "Yeah, I've been married several times. One only lasted seven days. She was my second mistake."
• If a woman says to you that she is not dating at the present time, tell her you hope she will let you know when she is ready or ask if you can ask again in a few weeks. Do not try to convince her that you are God's gift to humankind in general and women in particular unless you want her to grow weary of your trite remarks and put you soundly in your place.
• Never, never, never try to show a woman "what she is missing" in an attempt to convince her to go dancing with you. You may find yourself unable to dance - or walk - for a while (this one is from last year at this time).
• Please understand we know the difference between "yes", "no", and "maybe". Take our word for it.
• Telling a woman in an email of your physical attributes and asking her if she would like to meet up is not a good way to start a conversation. Please see instructions above regarding "the Boulevard" (also a story from a while back).
• If you think she's "the one", please be aware that if she doesn't agree, she isn't the one! Trying to force her to accept that you are meant for each other is a good way to get a broken heart. And rather than encouraging her to fall in love, it only makes her feel guilty - and, oftentimes, angry. 
• If, when you meet a woman for the first time, your hair is dirty, your beard and mustache unruly, your clothing wrinkled, in poor condition, and mismatched, and you smell bad, this is not the time to ask a woman out. She will say no!
• If you have to brag about the size of your bank account to get a date, you probably don't want to date that woman! And you may need to examine why it might be necessary to disclose that information in order to get a "yes".

 Thank you, ahem, gentlemen. I hope you will find this information valuable and helpful in your romantic pursuits.

Season of Thanks, Day Eighteen

Today is my youngest grandson's 15th birthday.

He should not have seen this day.

But Ashton is a miracle!

Oh, I know, all babies, all children are miracles.

But Ashton, Ashton is a medical miracle of God!

A causing-the-lame-to walk-and-the-blind-to-see kind of miracle.

You see, there were some difficulties with Kim's labor.

And the antibiotic she should have received

to prevent his contraction of her strep B virus

was overlooked in the emergency.

And so, just a few hours after his birth,

Ashton went to NICU where he remained for several weeks.

Now whether he was born with the heart defect

or whether it was caused by the meningitis he had,

no one knows.

But there it was.

And it was very serious.

By the age of two he was in desperate need of a new heart.

We never knew when today would be the last day.

He was a very sick little boy.

Finally, he was scheduled to go to Lubbock Children's Hospital

where he would be until he either got a new heart

or Jesus took him home.

Two days before he was to go,

Ashton went to bed the lethargic, swollen little boy we had come to love.

But the next morning, he wakened full of energy,

with good color and no swelling.

He went for his scheduled last doc visit in Amarillo -

 a final check-up before the "trip" that was going to be risky.

The doc listened to his heart.

Listened again.

And again.

So did the other doctors in the practice.

They did some tests.

Then did some more.

And no heart defect!

And sick little Ashton became a miracle!

A healthy, normally active little boy

 who put any other two-year-old to shame with his antics!

Happy birthday, Ashton!

Today, I am more than grateful for miracles!

Season of Thanks, Day Seventeen

I love praying!

I pray a lot! 

For a lot of things! 

And for a lot of people!

It is my calling.

Sometimes I journal my prayers.

Sometimes I pray aloud.

Sometimes I pray in thought.

Sometimes I just sit in God's presence.

Sometimes I pray without words.

But I pray!

And I count it a privilege!

I love seeing the answers when they are as I hope.

I grieve when they are not.

And I accept that God knows best even when it doesn't feel good.

Today, I had the privilege of hearing from my niece.

We love each other a lot but don't directly communicate but every once in a while.

But today, she texted me.

To tell me I was on her heart.

To tell me she had been praying a lot for me recently.

What an honor!

I've been having a really tough time lately.

And God cares so much for ME that He called someone to pray!

For ME!

And led them to tell me so!

So I would know how much He loves me!

Even in my struggles!

Today, I am thankful for prayer!