Season of Thanks, Day Six

A funny thing happened on the way to the symphony.

Okay, I wasn't on the way to the symphony.

Yet.

I was at work.

I took a call.

And for the third time in about a month, ran smack into a man that sounded like Harlan. And for the third time, found that this man is from a town in Belgium that is just across the border from the French city in which Harlan was raised. And this time, not only were his accent and speech patterns the same, his vocal quality was very similar.

Each time, my reaction has been different.

The first time I cried.

The second time I shook my head and wondered why another 

Harlan-esque

accent had crossed my path when I was already struggling and hurting.

And then I cried.

This time, I hoped I would be there when he came in. 

Because he really, really sounded like Harlan.

And I just wanted to see him.

I wasn't.

But I came back before he left.

And a co-worker told me he wanted to meet me.

Always aim to please the customer!

So I introduced myself.

A conversation ensued.

He needed a ride.

My company does that.

I took him to his apartment.

Brought him back to the branch.

Forty minutes.

We have a lot of common interests.

Including the symphony.

And before I knew it,

I had a date.

To be honest, I'm not sure how it happened. Or how I feel about it. I'm not sure God has released me to date - I didn't think He had, but have begun to feel like maybe soon, possibly after the first of the year. I'm not sure I should be dating yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to date yet. After all, I am still in love with two men. One dead, one a living, breathing person somewhere out there, very different from loving my late husband. I know that much of the attraction for me is his similarity to Harlan in sound and - it seems - personality. That could be dangerous for me. And unkind to him. I could not replace Al with another. And Al and Harlan were very different. I also cannot replace Harlan with another. And this feels uncomfortably close to trying to do that. I will not knowingly hurt another person as I did this summer!

On the other hand, if Harlan and I are not to be - and it seems we are not - then why would I not be free to enjoy an evening out with an attractive man? This is the first time I have actually wanted to go out with someone specific rather than just make the hurting over my two lost loves go away. Is God finally answering my prayers for closure, giving me permission to move forward, past the hurt?

I find it ironic that this person is so similar,

in so many ways,

to what I desperately want and cannot have.

And it scares me.

Nonetheless, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise,

I have a symphony date in a couple weeks.

And it is just one date.

Maybe we will find we do not enjoy one another. Maybe we will. Maybe we will become good friends. Maybe it will just be one evening out. Only time will tell.

Today, I am grateful for irony.

And I am grateful that God has not, 

after all,

removed my willingness to risk my heart,

be vulnerable,

take a chance.

And I am very, very grateful
for hope.
Hope for healing.
Hope for the easing of anguished grief.
Hope.

And the outcome doesn't matter.
It is the hope of a future led by God that does!