Nope, it's not time yet.

I thought it might be.

Hoped it was.

But it's not.

I've tried to be happy and excited about a date.

But I just feel uncomfortable.

Wrong.

So I'll go.

Because I said I would. 

But only as an acquaintance showing off

the amazingly good Amarillo Symphony to a guest resident in our city.

People don't understand.

In some ways, neither do I.

You see, it isn't my precious Al that holds me back.

It is Harlan.

And God.

Let me try to explain...

...as best I can.

My Al is dead.

He is no longer alive in body.

He no longer inhabits this earth.

His earthbound body lies in a grave where it will remain until Jesus' return.

His spirit lives eternally with God.

I love him!!!

I miss him!!!

But he is gone.

And he is never, ever coming back.

There is no possibility.

And he wanted me to move forward.

And God said I could.

He reminded me that my and Al's love is complete.

He reminded me that we had years of memories.

And I cherish those memories.

I smile at them.

I love remembering our life together.

But it can never be again.

And so I moved forward.

Enter Harlan.

Enter love.

Enter the promise of a life together.

Then the shattering.

 

People who know what happened really don't get it.

They don't understand how I could still love him.

But I do.

And he is out there.

A living, breathing person.

So, despite the impossibility of our relationship,

it could happen.

It is physically possible.

And as long as that possibility exists,

either because of love or existence,

their cannot be anyone else.

With Harlan, it is different than with Al.

The memories with Al are a comfort.

Those with Harlan simply point out the ones that will never be.

I miss what might have been.

What should have been.

What wasn't.

Isn't.

And God is still saying "Be still and wait."

And so I will.