Season of Thanks, Day Five

As I mentioned a while back, this is a difficult time for me. There are lots of dated memories and events that hit beginning in October and running through February. Today is one of those days.

Two years ago this morning, I received the call. Every week, Al's blood was drawn to see if he could have chemo or not. Every week it was close. Very close. Some weeks were a no-go. Even the weeks he had chemo were "shouldn't but will" situations.

We had been told at CTCA, the last hope, that they could not offer a cure, but might be able to offer a better quality and a little more quantity of life. Maybe. We had also been told that when the therapies started doing more harm than good, they would stop.

We could see his decline in those days. And we knew. We waited, but we knew. And when the call came, it was official. No more could be done. They referred him to hospice again. The fight was over. The waiting began.

How I grieved that day and in the days to come! How I grieve still! But those days of watching him suffer, seeing his physical agony, were the worst!

There have been times since he went home that I didn't think I would survive. Even in the Harlan days when I had new love and hope for a joyous future, it was hard. Because I didn't love Harlan instead of Al, I loved him in addition to Al.

This week last year was horrendous! In spite of the excitement of new love, I just wanted to join Al. The pain of loss was excruciating. And after my break up with Harlan, I really just lost the "want-to" to live.

I was - am - lonely beyond belief. Sometimes I think I am going crazy - have thought that a lot lately. But the last few days have been better, so maybe not.

So where is this going? Where is the gratitude?

Well, I'll tell you.

I have grown tremendously!

I try not to hope too much now. That sounds strange, especially from me. I've always been the "everything will work out, be fine" girl in the face of the most impossible situations. But I have discovered that much of my hope is fantasy, built on temporal, earthly "things". So I am learning to put ALL my hope in Christ alone, in eternity, not in the temporary joys of this life. And strangely, the more I quit trying to be happy, the closer I seem to get to it. I heard a saying a while back.

Happiness is something we stumble on while seeking Jesus, not while seeking happiness.

I guess that's right. And I am so grateful to God that He has tenderly and gently, through the hurt and loss and sorrow, taught me where true hope and happiness lie - in Him alone!

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

                                                            ~~ Matthew 6:33 NIV ~~