Season of Thanks, Day Twenty-five

What a difference a year makes.

This week 2011.

We didn't know yet. Al and I had just returned from Washington D.C. We'd had a wonderful time! The best vacation we'd ever taken! We were relaxed and happy and content. More so than ever before. Al had not been feeling well, and I was concerned, but the doctor had assured us over and over that he was just getting older, just had the flu, just needed to lose weight, just...... We were content with our lives, both in jobs we enjoyed, our relationship which had always been filled with "adventure" was calm and steady and firm. We were happy.


This week 2012.

We knew. Al was still alive, but he was dying. His time was very short. We were praying he would make it to Christmas and the new year. He really wanted to make it to the new year. It was a terrible time, filled with pain and agony and grief and sorrow and dread. And with forced cheerfulness. We tried to make it the best Thanksgiving ever. Because we knew. It would be our last together.


This week 2013.

Al was gone. I was grieving - harder than I expected. Much harder. I had no idea how very difficult it would be. Impossible sometimes. But two months earlier, Harlan had come into my life. So my grief and sorrow were tempered with joy and happiness. I was in love, unexpectedly, deliriously, deeply, completely in love. And while I missed Al terribly, spent hours and hours of time at the cemetery, wept daily for him, it was bearable because God had given me what I truly thought I would never have again. And I was so grateful!


This week 2014.

No Al. I grieve him still, love him, miss him, weep for him. No Harlan. I grieve him, love him, miss him, weep for him. My days are filled with harsh reality, loneliness, grief, sorrow, longing. I struggle to find the silver linings. Struggle to find gratitude. Struggle.

I have changed so much. In 2011 I was a happy, cheerful, positive, smart, active woman. I was more than capable, I excelled at my job, at most anything I put my hands to. I miss that Gina. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my mind slogging through the grief fog. I'm tired of not thinking and learning easily. I'm tired of doing stupid things. I'm tired of everything taking huge effort. I'm tired of not seeing the positive, the silver lining. I'm tired of having to work at gratitude rather than it just being there no matter what because things could always be worse. I'm tired.

I pray, please, please, please God, I pray that another year will make another difference and may they be good, glad, joyous differences. May He restore to me the joy of His salvation, the joy of life. May He restore to me true gratefulness in all things. May this year make a difference!

Thank You, Lord, for loving me in my dark hours. Thank You for understanding when I just can't seem to pull it together. Thank You for carrying my when I can't carry myself. Thank You for being here when I can't feel You, hear You, or see You. Thank You for where You are taking me and for whatever it is that I am learning from this! Thank You for the silver lining, for even though I can't see it right now, it is there! Thank You for the years with Al! Thank You for the months with Harlan! Thank You for the great sorrow for it means their was great love! Thank You for the struggles for they have a purpose for my good and Your glory or You wouldn't allow them! Thank You for being God, the Mighty Creator, the Great Saviour of my soul, the Healer of my heart! I will trust You! I will serve You! I will praise You! Though You take everything from me, yet will I praise You for You are worthy!

Habakkuk’s Complaint

2 How long, Lord, must I call for help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
but you do not save?
3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.
4 Therefore the law is paralyzed,
and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
so that justice is perverted.

The Lord’s Answer

5 “Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
~~ Habakkuk 1:2-5 NLT ~~

Something so amazing... to God be the glory!