Vertical pillows and other tricks I play on myself

I haven't had a completely sleepless night in a while

but this is shaping up to be one.

None of my tricks have worked tonight.

 You know, things the "sadly single" do 

to create the illusion of their love being there.

Things like piling the pillows vertically,

under the covers, so it feels less like sleeping alone

and more like the love of your life in bed with you.

Or talking to the pile of pillows at your back,

whispering the words you long for him to hear.

Or playing voice mails over and over

because it is soothing to hear his voice -

- except sometimes it's not soothing.

Splashing cologne on the pillows.

Rereading texts and emails over and over.

Looking at pictures.

Sometimes, pretending just doesn't work.

But tonight's sleeplessness is different.

Even in my yearning loneliness,

even in my longing for him,

even now, as I sit here opening myself up to friends and strangers,

making myself vulnerable,

open to ridicule and pity,

I am at peace.

There are no anguished tears,

no gut-wrenching sobs of grief and sorrow.

Because, while I don't know why,

while I can't understand,

I know the One who does.

 And I trust Him!

I will not always be lonely, alone.

Someday, God will send my king to rescue his queen.

And until then,

I will be still and wait upon the Lord.

For His timing is impeccable.