Thursday, February 5, 2015

What if....

All I had to do was say yes.
That was yesterday.
Today, I am riddled with regret.
And guilt.

But it's not the same as in the past.
No, it is no longer a feeling of God saying "Not yet",
rather, it is a feeling of lost hope, giving up, the end of a dream.
And "what if". . . . . . .

Sure wish my heart would catch up with reality.
He is gone.
He is not coming back.
Neither "he".

Sometimes the choices we make haunt us!
My choices haunt me.

I chose to say along with Al, 
"We will not pursue any more treatment"
when CTCA released him to hospice.
I loved him and it was an excruciating choice.

But it was the right choice.
There was no more help available.
Nothing.
Not even untraditional medicine.
But as I sit at my desk in my lonely house,
I can't help but wonder what if I had tried one more search....
What if. . . . . . .

I love him still. I always will.  
But he is in Heaven.
And while I selfishly wish him here,
He would not come given the opportunity.
For he is well and happier than we can even fathom.
And he knows. 
It will only be a moment in the face of eternity
before we will be together again.
No matter how long it seems on earth.



I chose to say,
"The evidence is overwhelming."
I broke up with the man to whom I was certain God had led me.
I am still certain of that.
I just don't understand why.
Perhaps because I pray for him.
Daily.
I will continue to do so for as long as he is on my mind. . .
and in my heart.
I think that will be for a very, very long time. . . . .
 
I loved him and it was an excruciating decision.
I researched and said "but this" "but that".
I ignored things.
I blamed someone else.
But in the end. . . . .

I love him still. I always will.
But I have to stop holding out hope.
Because he has let me go now.
He has stopped contacting me.
And even if I was wrong as he said,
it no longer matters.
Because he is done.
And I suppose I should be glad.
But I'm not.
And it still haunts me.
I look at the evidence and wonder. . . . .
What if. . . . . . . .

So I will go on this date.
Because God hasn't said that I shouldn't.
But still, I can't help but wonder
what if. . . . . . . . .


The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him,
and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~

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