What if....

All I had to do was say yes.
That was yesterday.
Today, I am riddled with regret.
And guilt.

But it's not the same as in the past.

No, it is no longer a feeling of God saying "Not yet",

rather, it is a feeling of lost hope, giving up, the end of a dream.

And "what if". . . . . . .

Sure wish my heart would catch up with reality.
He is gone.
He is not coming back.
Neither "he".

Sometimes the choices we make haunt us!

My choices haunt me.

I chose to say along with Al, 
"We will not pursue any more treatment"
when CTCA released him to hospice.
I loved him and it was an excruciating choice.

But it was the right choice.

There was no more help available.

Nothing.

Not even untraditional medicine.

But as I sit at my desk in my lonely house,

I can't help but wonder what if I had tried one more search....

What if. . . . . . .

I love him still. I always will.  
But he is in Heaven.
And while I selfishly wish him here,
He would not come given the opportunity.
For he is well and happier than we can even fathom.
And he knows. 
It will only be a moment in the face of eternity
before we will be together again.
No matter how long it seems on earth.

I chose to say,

"The evidence is overwhelming."

I broke up with the man to whom I was certain God had led me.

I am still certain of that.

I just don't understand why.

Perhaps because I pray for him.

Daily.

I will continue to do so for as long as he is on my mind. . .

and in my heart.

I think that will be for a very, very long time. . . . .

 

I loved him and it was an excruciating decision.

I researched and said "but this" "but that".

I ignored things.

I blamed someone else.

But in the end. . . . .

I love him still. I always will.

But I have to stop holding out hope.

Because he has let me go now.

He has stopped contacting me.

And even if I was wrong as he said,

it no longer matters.

Because he is done.

And I suppose I should be glad.

But I'm not.

And it still haunts me.

I look at the evidence and wonder. . . . .

What if. . . . . . . .

So I will go on this date.
Because God hasn't said that I shouldn't.
But still, I can't help but wonder
what if. . . . . . . . .

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~