Psychology.....

The morning after I accepted a date for today,
I awoke with a mildly sore throat.
It has gotten progressively worse since.
This morning, I have laryngitis and a flaming throat.

A number of months ago,
I had a date and my hip started hurting
to the point I was having difficulty walking.

There have been other times that I have
considered or accepted a date
and been immediately struck by some malady or another.
Every.
               Single.
                              Time.

It gives me pause.
And, to be quite honest,
it ticks me off a little bit.
How dare my body tell me I can't
when there's no reason I shouldn't!

I get that it could all be coincidence.
I also get that it could be my subconscious saying,
"Just what do you think you're doing, little lady???
You know very well you're in love with someone(s) else(s)!"


And yet, I know that, barring a miracle from God,
there is no hope of a future with my Harlan.
None.
We are at an impasse.
And my Al?
Well, that goes without saying. . . .

Except for the guy with the girlfriend,
I have gone on accepted dates anyway, but nonetheless,
every single time, I do not feel well.
Once, in desperation to make the hurting stop,
I listened to man and not God,
and went right ahead and began a relationship.

I sought God diligently.
Got advice from Godly council.
I pushed it, and moved forward.
Disaster!

I, stopped, waited, and listened for God's leading.
I prayed for that miracle.
It has not come.
And there is no evidence that it might.
None.
I have been on my face before God
more in the past three years
than in all the rest of my life combined!

And, this past week,
I felt no real hesitation in accepting this date
as I always have in the past year.
So I did.
And here I am. . . .

So, my therapist readers, I am processing with you again
rather than enjoying this beautiful day
with a picnic in the park.
(He didn't want to risk that this isn't allergies
as I claim (hey, allergic to dating is an allergy...)
and possibly get a bug himself, so we postponed.
Surprise! I'm feeling better. . . .)

December, January, and February
have been full of hard days
and processing
and weeping
and longing
and remembering.
I am through the worst Al days for this year
(learning from more seasoned widows
that these days will likely be hard from now on)
and have just exactly one more week
to be through the Harlan days.

Then the aftermath days.
But those will always be there
for the aftermath will never end.
It will soften, has, to a great degree, become manageable -
usually -
but those scars will always be there.

I'm going to keep trying
unless God clearly says "NO!"
as He has in the past.
Therefore, not next Saturday -
that's Valentine's Day and
would have been our first wedding anniversary if. . . . -
but the next Saturday, there will be a date!
If I have to walk with a cane and wear a hospital mask,
unless God clearly says, "I SAID NO!!!",
I will attend the symphony with a date.
Not a friend,
a date!

I will heal!!!
I will live!!!
I will find joy!!!

By gum!!!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~