God's Plan

I've thought a lot about God's plan 
            for my life over the last three years.
When Al was alive, 
            I thought about God's plan for his life.
Because he was my life, 
            whatever God planned for him,
                        He planned for me.
Then Al died.
And it was no longer about Al and God 
            and me as Al's wife.
It was about me and God.
And I discovered that I had been very, very dependent upon Al
            and not so dependent upon God 
                        for the answers to my future.

I didn't fully understand why God took my Al,
            I still don't fully understand why.
But I knew that life was difficult for him
            and that he was finally, finally well 
                        and content and joy-filled!
And so, in the midst of my grief and tears,
            I could accept that God's plan 
                        had unfolded the best way for Al.
But me, 
            what about God's plan for me without him?

So I began seeking God.
Diligently.
For myself.
What did He want of me.
What was His plan for me.
Me without Al.
I listened carefully.
Asked for lots of confirmations.
Received them.
And things didn't turn out the way I thought they would.

And boy have I been confused!!!
So, I have spent the last year trying to understand.
And have realized that I don't, 
            can't, 
                        never will in this life!
For "God's ways are far above our ways"!
And with Naomi in the Book of Ruth, I said,
            "...the Almighty has made life very bitter for me...
            The Lord has caused me to suffer
            and The Almighty has sent such tragedy."

This morning, I posted the above thought to my Facebook page. My friend, Cheri, made a very profound comment. 

"As I have gone through 15 months since Zane went to Heaven, I have read so many times about God having a plan for us. I have recently come to realize His plan is now. God's plan is already happening for each of us. It is unfolding as we live every day. It is not out there somewhere in our future."

Wow!

You have read many times my comment that I am certain 
I was in the center of God's will in my relationship with Harlan.
Despite appearances,
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,
he was God's will for me.
I don't understand why if it was only going to lead to heartache.
But, as I have said before,
I don't have to understand why.
And, of course, I cannot.

My friend's comment is freeing!
It gives new comfort to me.
Fresh realization that God is in the here and now.
He is not concerned with only my future.
He is concerned with my present.
My past has a reason.
My future has His hope.
My present is staying in the palm of His Hand
and letting Him carry me where He wills.

And just as He carried Naomi,
            just as He met her needs,
                        so will He meet mine.

So, as I face this difficult week,
            no, I don't understand God's plan now.
But He is the author of my life.
Everything happens for a reason.
And, really, this is not my life.
It is His.

"Sometimes things just don’t go the way you expect them to, or even the way you think they should. But I have a plan. I also have the Power to take all those unexpected things—even the not-so-good ones—and use them for good in your life." -Jesus Calling for Kids by Sarah Young

 "Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset? I should put my hope in God. I should keep praising him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:11 (ICB)

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                          ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~