Be Still and Wait

I have the flu and have spent most of the last 48 hours sleeping, 

or some semblance of sleeping.

I have been dreaming a lot.

Fever induced dreams are stranger than normal dreams.

But one, from last night, has stuck with me.

It has several components, tied to one another.

And there seems to be a message attached that I can't quite get.

My emotions seem to think it's important that I get it.

Ah, the joys of fever.

I also tend to be very impulsive.

I make decisions quickly.

Sometimes it works out well.

Sometimes not so much.

That, too, is more pronounced when I am sick.

I try never, ever to make a decision of any importance when I am not feeling well!

I am emotionally based.

Less so since becoming widowed

and losing my logic based balance, but still...

Aaaaaand, when I'm sick, even more so.

So, I try never, ever, ever to listen to my heart when I am ill!!!

Between the dream, the impulsiveness, and my emotions, I am reeeeeeealllllly struggling with
"Be still and wait!"

Clarification

I want to clarify my silliness last night.

Until God says move,

I won't be kissing any boys.

Or doing any dating.

Or anything else until He releases me.

God has made it very clear to me that

I am to be still and wait.

And that is what I will do!

When and if it is time to move forward,

begin dating,

looking for a mate,

He will let me know.

He is moving in my life.

He is on the verge

of revealing something to me.

Something big -

big as far as my life goes.

I don't know what it is.

I'll know when He's ready to show me.

Meanwhile,

I will continue to be silly.

I will continue to look

for the silver lining,

the joy of the life He has given me

for this season.

I will continue to watch

for His will.

I live in expectancy.

And faith.

And trust.

And nothing more.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty!

Ho-ho-ho!!!

Every year for the last 10 years,

save one, 

my best friend and I have had our pictures taken with Santa Clause.

(I'm the one in the darker green)

 It is our annual tradition. 

Tonight was the night! 

I explained to Santa that he messed up last year - 

BIG TIME!!!! 

And I had been really, really good too!!!

I asked for the same thing this year. 

And if I don't get it...

all those boys I haven't kissed...

well, I'm gonna kiss them! 

Three times each!!! ;-)

Stubbornness

Someone told me recently that they disliked my stubbornness.

Now, I'm not always stubborn.

But I certainly can be.

Sometimes it's not a good thing.

But mostly, it is.

Because I'm not generally stubborn just for the sake of stubbornness.

There's usually a reason.

This morning, during my time with The Lord,

I found a reason to be glad I can be stubborn.

"Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, 

I will not be dismayed. 

Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, 

determined to do His will. 

And I know that I will triumph. 

He who gives me justice is near."

                                           ~~ Isaiah 50:7-8 NLT ~~

God-n-me. We can do anything!

Vertical pillows and other tricks I play on myself

I haven't had a completely sleepless night in a while

but this is shaping up to be one.

None of my tricks have worked tonight.

 You know, things the "sadly single" do 

to create the illusion of their love being there.

Things like piling the pillows vertically,

under the covers, so it feels less like sleeping alone

and more like the love of your life in bed with you.

Or talking to the pile of pillows at your back,

whispering the words you long for him to hear.

Or playing voice mails over and over

because it is soothing to hear his voice -

- except sometimes it's not soothing.

Splashing cologne on the pillows.

Rereading texts and emails over and over.

Looking at pictures.

Sometimes, pretending just doesn't work.

But tonight's sleeplessness is different.

Even in my yearning loneliness,

even in my longing for him,

even now, as I sit here opening myself up to friends and strangers,

making myself vulnerable,

open to ridicule and pity,

I am at peace.

There are no anguished tears,

no gut-wrenching sobs of grief and sorrow.

Because, while I don't know why,

while I can't understand,

I know the One who does.

 And I trust Him!

I will not always be lonely, alone.

Someday, God will send my king to rescue his queen.

And until then,

I will be still and wait upon the Lord.

For His timing is impeccable.

Christian Snobbery

He came shuffling up the aisle.

Homeless by his look and smell.

We were in our time of "greeting one another in The Lord".

No one touched him.

No one offered their hand.

I saw a couple people nod at him as he walked by.

That was it.

I watched as we began returning to our seats.

He looked for a spot.

People scooted to the end of the pew.

After all, he was dirty.

He smelled bad.

The service was just starting.

As he approached me, I recognized it.

Loneliness.

Longing.

Yearning to be loved.

To love in return.

I extended my hand to him.

He took mine in both of his.

He looked me in the eye and said it.

"Thank you."

I patted the seat next to me.

He said "I can sit by you?"

I smiled and nodded my head.

He sat.

He reached for my hand.

And for a moment, we sat together, holding hands.

Together, we watched the children's Christmas program.

I could feel him watching me from time-to-time.

I looked at him and smiled.

There was gratitude in his eyes.

We watched the living nativity with sweet little Mary and Joseph.

I watched Mary place the Baby Jesus in the manger.

And I wondered what Jesus,

who sacrificed everything for us,

thought of His church this morning.

I am very romantically affectionate, with my family, and a few close friends.

I am uncomfortable hugging and touching others, particularly men.

But today, I hugged that smelly man.

I suspect it was his first in quite a while.

May God forgive us our snobbery!

May we never forget why He came and for whom -

ALL mankind!

And may we always be His Face, His Hand, His Arms,

may we be Jesus to those who may be unable to see Him any other way!

Saturday

One of the best things about no longer working from home

is the joy of Saturday!

You know what I mean - 
             a long day of whatever you want
                        sleeping in
                                    being lazy
                                                playing

Saturday.

When I worked from home, I set my own hours.

I worked when I wanted to, when it was convenient for me.

Sometimes I miss that freedom.

But Saturday was just another day then.

I purely love enjoying the freedom of lazy Saturday!

 

Saturday morning breakfast memories

I woke up this morning wanting breakfast. That doesn't often happen. I don't have a morning appetite. But this morning, I wanted breakfast.

Al loved breakfast and we often went out for breakfast on Saturday mornings, very often biscuits and gravy at Judy's Place. I toyed with doing that. Biscuits and gravy sounded good. But I didn't want to go alone. I've not felt well and been a little weepy this week and I really just didn't want to set off tears. And since all my kids and grands have the flu - poor babies are so sick! - that's what Judy's Place would mean, sitting alone, likely fighting tears.

Pancakes sounded good too. Now that's a Harlan memory. He loved pancakes. Often had them on Saturday morning. We used to laugh that when the kids spent the night on Friday, we often had the same thing for breakfast. He was two hours earlier than I so I'd be all done, he'd text saying he was up and getting breakfast. What was he having? Very often pancakes. It made us smile that we'd had the same thing 3,000 miles apart.

But pancakes it was this morning. With homemade cherry jelly instead of syrup. And it did make me think of Harlan. And Al who loved homemade cherry jelly!

I have been so privileged! I have twice in my life been blessed with loving deeply! Many people never get it even once! They bounce from this infatuation to that one, never knowing the joys - and yes, the heartaches - of truly loving with all their hearts!

Thank you God for blessing me with love!

Faith

This morning's devotion in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, as is often the case, was just what I needed. Following a night of strange and mildly disturbing dreams, I wakened unready to face the day, bothered.

Then God used His servant's book and His Word.

 "I am working on your behalf. Bring Me all your concerns, including your dreams...letting the light of My Presence shine on your hopes and plans. Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality...If you want to work with Me, your have to accept my time frame. Hurry is not in My nature."

  Wow! The God of the Universe - working on my behalf! Trust! Waiting! His Light!

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for,

perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses."

                                                                                   ~~ Hebrews 11:1 AMP

Obedience

Remember being a kid?

Remember knowing all there was to know?

Remember how dumb your parents were?                            

                                  Remember them telling you not to do something?

Something you really, really wanted to do!

Something that wouldn't hurt anyone...

Not them.

Not you.

Not anyone.

At all.

A completely arbitrary and silly command.

"Don't do it unless I say you can!"

OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!                                                                                  

                         A loophole!!!!!!                                            

Remember trying to decide what constituted permission?

Sometimes you couldn't justify it.

Sometimes, stretching, you could.

Sometimes, there were consequences.

Sometimes there weren't.

That you knew of.........

Being an obedient child is no easier as an adult.

The only difference is in the knowing.

Not suspecting, knowing.                                                                              

Not realizing "probably", knowing.

                                                                                     Knowing that God knows best.

Obedience.

Faith.

Trust.

HAND                                                        IN                                                       HAND

I really want to send an email.

But I won't.

Because it's not permission,                             

                                                   it's "I really want to."

 Yup, even as an adult, obedience is hard.

Prayer

Yesterday I drove a 2015 Camaro convertible about 75 miles.
The blind spots weren't so bad in it 
as in the one I test drove a while back
which was not a convertible.
This one was also black.
It was an enjoyable ride. 
Spent mostly praying. 
Camaros do that to me.
Induce me to pray.

My daughter's families have the flu.

All but 2 of them have been sick.

The kids have not been to school all week.

They are each running fever, two pretty high.

Sick kiddos and grandkiddos.

Spent time in prayer for them.

My children and grandchildren do that to me.

Induce me to prayer.

The women in my widow's groups are struggling.

For many it is the first Christmas without their husbands.

And even for those who are not experiencing the first,

this is a very hard time of year.

No presents to purchase for "him".

No one with whom to share the fun of the kids or grandkids.

No one with whom to snuggle by the fire and the tree.
Even those who have remarried struggle during this season.
I have spent much time praying for them as a group
and individually.
My widow's groups do that to me.
Induce me to prayer.

Someone about whom I care deeply

asked me for something last night.

I could not give it to him.

It would not be good for him.

Would, in the long run,

cause more pain than my refusal.

Which I know caused pain.

That saddens me.

And, as I often do, I prayed for him.

Those about whom I care do that to me.

Induce me to prayer.

I pray for my friends.

I pray about decisions.

I pray about the future.

I pray for our country and leadership.

I pray for my co-workers.

I pray for you, my readers.

Many things, many people, do that.

Induce me to prayer.

I like to pray.

I didn't always.

I used to find it difficult.

Boring even.

A chore.

An obligation.

But over the years,

as I have come to know God more and more,

I have come to enjoy communicating with Him.

 It is a privilege purchased at high cost.

Our Saviour, Jesus Christ, born in a manger,

born to an unwed mother,

paid the price.

And as a result, we get to have a personal relationship -

- and that includes talking with Him, prayer -

- with God Almighty!

Isn't that just the most amazing thing???

And there are no holds barred!

We can tell Him, ask Him, anything!

Praise and thank Him,

petition on others' behalf,

petition on our own behalf,

cry to Him,

rejoice to Him.

Nothing is too small that it does not interest Him!

Nothing is so big that it overwhelms Him!

I love to pray!

I love the God who welcomes my voice!

Thank You, Lord!

You are awesome indeed!

Choosing Joy

My late husband tended to be a pessimist.

I have pretty much always been an optimist.

Even in the face of horrible circumstances,

I could see silver linings.

I pretty much always believed

things would work out as they should.

I used to tell him he had to  

choose joy sometimes.

The last couple years have put me to the test!

And in many ways, I have failed.

Sometimes the grief just blotted out

all traces of silver lining.

Sometimes I just let myself have a pity party.

Other times,

I quite simply could not overcome the sorrow.

In the last several weeks though,

God has reminded me that 

sometimes we must choose joy.

Way back in September,

I determined to begin looking

for the silver lining again.

And with His help,

I am beginning to find it.

It's not easy.

The last couple days have been weepy.

But in the midst of the cloudbursts...

silver lining...

joy.

In Jesus.

          In the memories.

                    In my present.

                              In my past.

                                        In my hope for a future.

I'm still lonely.

     I still wish things were different.          

But they aren't.

And wishes can't change that.               

Only God can bring restoration.

I picture Al in Heaven.

A pessimist no more!

Absolute joy!

Complete contentment!

Home at last!

It's harder with Harlan.

He's not in Heaven.

But still, there is joy in the memories.

Their is joy in the prayers I lift for him each day.

And there is even joy in the loneliness.

For through it, through the pain, through the sorrow, through the loss

I have grown dependent upon Jesus.

I have learned that I cannot do it alone.

I have learned to trust Him more.

I have learned to love Him more.

I have learned to lean on Him more.

I have learned to place my hand in His and let Him lead.

I have learned to be still.

I have learned to wait.

 I have learned to choose joy in a new way.

Choosing joy.

It's very satisfying. 

Wondering

I am wondering this evening.

Sometimes I just wish I knew, you know? Sometimes I just wish God would write on my wall! Clearly, in good ol' American English.But that's just not the way it works. And so I practice faith. And trust. And turning loose. And I wonder if God ever grows weary of our need to know.

As I was driving home this evening, I was talking to God about my broken heart. And I was wondering if Jesus ever suffered from a broken heart romantically. Certainly He did in all other ways. Certainly He grieved over the deaths of His loved ones. Certainly His heart was broken over the broken promises people made to Him. Certainly He experienced the betrayal of people He trusted. But I wonder about romance. The Bible does not ever address that. I think that's because we tend to think of romantic love and sex as synonyms, which, of course, they are not, and we tend to think of sex as dirty, which, of course, within the bounds of marriage, it is not.

I think that He did suffer from a broken heart romantically. I think some cute little Jewess probably caught His eye at some point. I think He probably fell in love. Maybe He married, maybe He didn't, the Bible doesn't say, but it does say that He experienced all the sorrows and temptations we do. So, yes, I think Jesus fully understands my broken heart.

That made me sorry. That He willingly put Himself in line for disappointment, heartache, betrayal, doubt of those He loved, self-doubt,loss of all kinds, torture, why, the very trauma of birth for birth is not just hard on the momma, it is hard on the baby. He did that willingly! Isn't that amazing!?! Willingly! Knowingly! For you and for me!

It turns my wondering into wonder!

Learning to Trust

I do not easily trust.

And I tend to jump to conclusions.

It is, perhaps, my worst trait.

I grew up in an environment of deceit.

I learned early
that trusting was foolhardy.

And sometimes dangerous.

It was a lesson I learned well.

Sometimes not trusting 
has saved me some heartache.

But more often it has cost me great joy.

Precious relationships.

Damaged beyond repair.

Where no amount of remorse or 
"I'm sorry, please forgive me"
could fix it.

Where explaining the "why" didn't help.

And so, the few heartaches I've saved myself
have been multiplied in loss by my lack of trust.

I has been a problem.

But the biggest problem,

I have come to realize,

is that I don't fully trust God.

He has spent significant time

working with me on this trust issue.

Especially in the last

nearly three years.

And I'm finally getting it!

I am, have mostly always been,

a trustworthy individual.

Because God taught me how to be so.

I knew the pain of betrayal

and never wanted to be the 

cause of that in another.

And I have learned that

He could teach me

because He Himself

is trustworthy.

And so are most people.

Yes, trusting involves risk

where people are concerned.

But it is mostly worth it!

And when it's misplaced,

it is still worth the risk

for the potential.

But with God,

there is no risk!

He never betrays!

That is not to say that

we will always understand,

or always agree with His

working in our lives.

But He is always trustworthy!

Always knows best!

We just have to do it,

trust Him!

Daddy God ~

Thank you for Your infinite patience with me!

Thank You for the journey on which You have led me the last several years!

What a change this week has wrought!

Peace in my soul!

Joy in Jesus!

The angst, the confusion, the doubt, the fear, the anguish,

all gone!

Though I still don't know where You are leading,

though I still hope and want,

There is peace!

"Do you trust Me?"

"Yes, I do! Help me to trust You more!"

I will be still.

I will wait on You!

I will hold tight to Your Hand,

follow where You lead!

 For You, Your will, are what I want!

More than Al!

More than Harlan!

More than any mate!

More than relief from loneliness!

More than anything!

I want You!

I want Your will!

I love You, Jesus!

I trust You!

Thank You for sacrificing for me!

Thank You for paying the price for me!

And for Al, joyous now in Your presence!

And for Harlan!

And for Chrys & Craig,

Kim & Dusty,

Hayden, Ashton, & Kylie!

For the stranger down the block,

across town,

across the world!

For the most hardened criminal,

for the most gentle soul!

Thank You, Jesus!

I worship and adore You!

I lay my life before You!

You are all I need!

Anything above and beyond You

is a bonus gift given by You!

And I trust You to know what is best for me!

For those I love!

I trust You!

Christmas Lights

Grammie and the grandkids went to the Botanical Gardens' Christmas light display tonight, then went touring one of our city's most decorated neighborhood's, and finished the evening up with hot chocolate and cookies. It was just cold enough to feel "Christmasy" but not so cold that we were miserable for the hour it took to walk around the gardens.

I love being a grammie!

Peace in Jesus

You may remember about a month ago I met a man whose vocal quality and accent reminded me of Harlan. We made a date for the symphony but did not go, rather, I went with my grandson. Well, yesterday, my boss and I had a business lunch with this gentleman. I found myself mesmerized by the sound of his voice and had to keep forcing myself back to business.

He mentioned that he was half Australian. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. That explains the exact same accent and inflections in his words, not quite French, not quite Belgian, but very close to one or the other. Both grew up within a few miles of each other, one on the French side, one on the Belgian side of the border.

As with most business lunches, we visited socially for a bit before and after "getting down to business". I continued to be amazed by the similarities in tastes, interests, and beliefs between the two of them beyond cultural similarities. There were times when, if I hadn't been looking at him, for they are not physically similar, I would have sworn it was Harlan.

Of course, my dreams were filled with Harlan last night and I wakened this morning with loneliness and longing fully intact. Then, of course, I felt guilty because I dreamed of him rather than Al. I kind of miss the "Allan Nickael" apparition - he just left me feeling content........

Then, you may remember that I decorated last weekend. I was undecided about whether or not to use last year's dated ornament. I finally decided yes because last year is a part of my life, part of who I am, have become. So I hung it on my small tabletop tree in my bedroom. Toward the back so I didn't have to look at it constantly, but knew it was there. I know, I'm a strange duck. Thursday morning, Gabe, who thinks the Christmas trees are for his benefit, knocked that one over. Yep, you guessed it. That ornament broke. It was the only one that did. And I was heartbroken and more than a little peeved at Gabe!

 But as I was picking up the pieces of that shattered ornament, tears streaming down my face, I thought that it was somehow appropriate. The shattered ornament commemorating the shattered relationship. So I put the pieces back in the little velvet box, and put it in the bin with the other precious ornaments that have gotten broken over the years. I know, I'm a strange duck.

Also on Thursday morning, I sustained a very minor injury, a tiny little knick, on my leg. Yesterday, it hurt like the dickens. This morning it was very swollen, deep red, and painful. Really? I knew I should have quit shaving! Who am I trying to impress? Anyway, I've doctored it and will continue to do so and it will be fine. 

There have have been several other incidents that had potential to throw me into a funk this week. But you may remember that last Sunday, I had a "Thanksgiving Miracle". And peace flooded over me. And I'm happy to report that, despite the enemy's attempts at discouragement this week, the Peace of Jesus is still living in me! I have found myself smiling, humming, singing often throughout the week. I have renewed energy. I have stopped crying. Other than when reading the post of a fellow widow and the blog of another fellow widow this morning, I have not wept all week!

God is faithful! Praise His Holy Name!

And the peace of God,

which surpasses all comprehension,

shall guard your hearts and your minds

in Christ Jesus.

                               ~~ Philippians 4:7 NASV ~~

New Perspective

One of the scripture references in my morning devotional today was I Peter 1:8:

You love Him even though you have never seen Him. 

Though you do not see Him, you trust Him;

and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy.

I have read this verse before. Many times. But this morning, God reminded me of Harlan. I fell in love with Harlan via Christian Mingle, text, and telephone. Before ever meeting him. And loving him brought me inexpressible joy.

I have wondered through the years how God expected us to love and trust Him when we have never seen him. And, once I realized it didn't matter because I did love and trust Him, I wondered why. And this morning, it dawned on me. Because I spend time "with" Him. Because I am learning Him every single day. Because I am inviting Him to learn me (not that He needs an invitation for He knows me better than I know myself).

And if I could fall so in love with a human being before physically meeting him, how much more God, Creator, Mighty Counselor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I still don't understand. Didn't understand how it happened with Harlan. But it really doesn't matter, does it! Because there it is.

Amazing I never saw it before......

Stuck songs

 It's been a silly song kind of a day. The last song I heard before going into the office today was "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer". And it stuck! I was humming and singing that silly song for several hours.

 You're welcome....

Finally, I made myself just start humming random notes. That often breaks the spell of stuck songs. And it worked. But before I knew it, I was humming "C'est Magnifique". And it stuck. And no amount of random notes unstuck it. I am still humming and singing and swinging my hips to "ooh, la, la, la, c'est magnifique".

You're Welcome.....