Changes

Like most people,

I have never particularly liked change,

but, unlike many, I quickly adjusted to the idea of a change,

then embraced it and jumped in with both feet,

even when it was change I didn't especially want. 

 

That was then.

This is now.

 

There are some changes that came with widowhood,

permanent changes,

that had nothing to do with my Al's actual death

and everything to do with my reaction to

that one most major change of my life.

I have learned that these things are a form of PTSD. 

 

For me, one of those changes

is how I handle change. 

Not well.

 

It takes me a long time to process now,

both upcoming change

and change that has happened.

 

For example, five years ago today,

we signed paperwork to purchase our home

and were about six weeks from signing paperwork

selling the home in which I thought I would die.

We chose that change, 

it was not thrust upon us.

Nonetheless, five years later,

I am just now really settling into it.

 

I know it's silly.

But knowing it's silly has not made it any easier.

So here I am.

 

Today, I am facing another change,

trying to make a decision about what direction to go,

and having a terrible time with it.

It keeps me awake at night.

I think about it all day.

It's totally silly and totally not worthy of all this angst!

But here I am.

 

For reasons far too lengthy and and uninteresting to warrant blog space,

(it's not a satisfying explanation anyway) 

I am having to replace my "damaged not repairable" engagement ring. 

I can trade it in credit toward the purchase of another ring 

at the jeweler where it was purchased.

I can go to another jeweler and have an identical, 

or nearly identical, ring fabricated.

I can outright purchase another ring

and have my engagement ring stones made into another piece of jewelry.

I can outright purchase a new ring from anywhere

and let my original live in its presentation box in my jewelry armoire. 

Those are my choices. 

I don't want any of those choices,

I want my ring!

But, again, here I am. 

 

Again, silly, but it feels like an omen. 

I am not generally superstitious so this is out of character,

but I find myself thinking about the timing

of loosing a diamond out of another engagement ring... 

Like I said, silly, but one more time, here I am. 

 

I am finally, after several weeks of angst-laden pondering,

beginning to lean one direction

but each time I think I have made a decision,

I waffle.

 

Meanwhile, I wear my wedding band with my travel engagement ring.

They don't go together.

My theory is it will inspire me to make a decision and move forward.

 

Hopefully sooner than five years.....