Maybe it's the high winds.
Maybe it's springtime.
Maybe it's hangover from this stressful week.
Maybe it's just part of the process.
I don't know, but it's been a strange evening.
Bear with me as I process.
I stopped by the grocery store
to pick up a few things
for my Lanny Love's birthday dinner tomorrow evening.
I love birthdays!
I don't care whose it is, they're fun and should be special.
And when it's someone you love,
well, double fun, quintuple special!
So, I'm excited about tomorrow.
Nonetheless, I found myself
feeling more and more sad as I shopped.
"Hungry and need to eat" I said to myself
and picked up the pace a bit.
Then suddenly, I was overwhelmed
with sorrow and longing for what
no longer is and never will be.
For the first time in a number of months,
I cried in public.
I checked out.
Cried all the way home.
Sobbed.
And then it was over.
I watched someone else struggle with loss
and moving forward yesterday.
We talked about the guilt that sometimes comes
with moving forward.
The still loving that individual we have lost
and yet loving someone new.
The feeling of cheating when you kiss another person,
begin to desire intimacy with them.
What we didn't talk about,
and what I think I may be experiencing this evening,
is the feeling that you are betraying them,
their memory,
when you begin to desire another,
begin to want to be happy -
even knowing they won't be part of it.
No, we didn't talk about that feeling that begins to happen.
That awful realization.
That thing no one wants to admit out loud,
or even to themselves,
but which I think all people who have loved deeply
and who have lost that person they loved,
begin to feel if they have begun to move forward with another.
It goes beyond acceptance that they are gone,
that they are not coming back,
that you are lonely.
It's that feeling that you wouldn't change the now even if you could.
Because the now is wonderful.
And you realize,
for the first time that,
while you are not happy they are gone,
at this point,
you wouldn't bring them back.
Because it would mean giving up what you have now.
Those of us who have loved and lost
understand the risks of loving again,
and we weigh them carefully!
We know how it can hurt when it is over!
We know the excruciating pain of permanent separation!
And we don't want to experience that again!
Nor do we want to cause it.
So we don't love casually.
When we finally decide to give ourselves,
we do so completely.
Deeply.
And we can't imagine a life without that new individual.
Just as we once couldn't imagine a life without the lost one.
There will always be those times of intense longing.
There will always be those memories.
There will always be that deep, abiding love.
But, and I think it takes finding the right "another",
when God brings that person into your life,
the "Bring him back! Bring him back! Bring him back!
Or take me there!!!"
prayer stops and the "Let us both live long, healthy lives!"
prayers begin.
I have done several things this week,
taken some steps,
made some changes,
that have signaled that
I have reached that point in my feelings for my Lanny Love.
And it is a joyfully painful realization.
In my devotions this morning,
before any of the revelations of this evening,
I read the following two Scripture verses:
As God has carried and prodded and pushed me
through the last several exceedingly painful years,
He has been laying my path before me.
He has been working His will in my life.
I have not been moving toward His plan for me,
I have been in His plan for me!
Today is no different!
Maybe it's springtime.
Maybe it's hangover from this stressful week.
Maybe it's just part of the process.
I don't know, but it's been a strange evening.
Bear with me as I process.
I stopped by the grocery store
to pick up a few things
for my Lanny Love's birthday dinner tomorrow evening.
I love birthdays!
I don't care whose it is, they're fun and should be special.
And when it's someone you love,
well, double fun, quintuple special!
So, I'm excited about tomorrow.
Nonetheless, I found myself
feeling more and more sad as I shopped.
"Hungry and need to eat" I said to myself
and picked up the pace a bit.
Then suddenly, I was overwhelmed
with sorrow and longing for what
no longer is and never will be.
For the first time in a number of months,
I cried in public.
I checked out.
Cried all the way home.
Sobbed.
And then it was over.
I watched someone else struggle with loss
and moving forward yesterday.
We talked about the guilt that sometimes comes
with moving forward.
The still loving that individual we have lost
and yet loving someone new.
The feeling of cheating when you kiss another person,
begin to desire intimacy with them.
What we didn't talk about,
and what I think I may be experiencing this evening,
is the feeling that you are betraying them,
their memory,
when you begin to desire another,
begin to want to be happy -
even knowing they won't be part of it.
No, we didn't talk about that feeling that begins to happen.
That awful realization.
That thing no one wants to admit out loud,
or even to themselves,
but which I think all people who have loved deeply
and who have lost that person they loved,
begin to feel if they have begun to move forward with another.
It goes beyond acceptance that they are gone,
that they are not coming back,
that you are lonely.
It's that feeling that you wouldn't change the now even if you could.
Because the now is wonderful.
And you realize,
for the first time that,
while you are not happy they are gone,
at this point,
you wouldn't bring them back.
Because it would mean giving up what you have now.
Those of us who have loved and lost
understand the risks of loving again,
and we weigh them carefully!
We know how it can hurt when it is over!
We know the excruciating pain of permanent separation!
And we don't want to experience that again!
Nor do we want to cause it.
So we don't love casually.
When we finally decide to give ourselves,
we do so completely.
Deeply.
And we can't imagine a life without that new individual.
Just as we once couldn't imagine a life without the lost one.
There will always be those times of intense longing.
There will always be those memories.
There will always be that deep, abiding love.
But, and I think it takes finding the right "another",
when God brings that person into your life,
the "Bring him back! Bring him back! Bring him back!
Or take me there!!!"
prayer stops and the "Let us both live long, healthy lives!"
prayers begin.
I have done several things this week,
taken some steps,
made some changes,
that have signaled that
I have reached that point in my feelings for my Lanny Love.
And it is a joyfully painful realization.
In my devotions this morning,
before any of the revelations of this evening,
I read the following two Scripture verses:
The Lord will work out His plans for my life -
for Your faithful love, O Lord,
endures forever.
Don't abandon me,
for You made me.
~~ Psalm 138:8 NLT ~~
Teach me to do Your will,
for You are my God.
May Your gracious Spirit
lead me forward on a firm footing.
~~ Psalm 143:10 NLT ~~
As God has carried and prodded and pushed me
through the last several exceedingly painful years,
He has been laying my path before me.
He has been working His will in my life.
I have not been moving toward His plan for me,
I have been in His plan for me!
Today is no different!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him,
and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.
~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~
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