I have rarely dreamed of my Al since his death.
And it bothers me that I don't.
I have desperately wanted to!
When I do dream of him, the dreams are almost always nightmarish.
Only a couple times have they been pleasant.
Early this morning was one of those times.
It was a strange little dream.
We were apart.
Had been for a while.
He was sending me a selfie video of what he had been doing that day.
He was in a very sunny back yard.
His dad and brother, Olen, (both also deceased) were with him.
As was his dog, Rudy (a Valentine's gift to him the year before we married).
The three of them (Dad, Olen, and Al) had come up with a silly invention.
There were frisbees hanging in a tree.
They had some sort of device that they loaded with tennis balls
which were then flung at the frisbees, sending the frisbees sailing.
Rudy chased and caught them.
Their was much laughter and fun going on.
And as I watched the video,
I laughed too
and was so glad he was having a good time.
At the end of the video,
he told me how happy he was,
what fun he was having with his dad and brother.
That he would see me later
and that I should have fun and be happy while I waited.
He said "Show this to Lanny, he'll get a kick out of it.
Maybe he can make one for Mitzi." (Lanny's little dog)
I dream about my Lanny Love a lot.
And so in my Al dream,
as he suggested,
I showed Lanny the video.
He also enjoyed it
and I commented to him how much I enjoyed Al's "little boy" side.
From that point forward, the dream became about my Lanny Love.
I woke from the dream thinking about both of them
and for a moment I was confused.
I did not feel any guilt over dreaming of, thinking about, another man.
And for just a moment I couldn't remember why it was okay.
And then I did.
My Beloved Al is gone.
I find myself strangely comforted.
I so loved the video of my Sweet Al!
It was so good to see him laughing and running and playing and well.
And that's the way it is for him now!
He is supremely happy!
He is completely well!
What a great gift I have been given!
Tears are flowing as I sit here typing.
Tears of love and gratitude.
Love for God that He sent me this little piece
of comfort and confirmation that my Al is happy,
that it is okay for me to move forward.
Love for my Precious Alfie and his generosity
in telling me before his death
that he wanted me to move forward once he was gone.
And love for my Lanny Love,
yet another great gift from God!
The travels of widowhood are not easy.
The trail is twisted and strange.
But it can be navigated!
It can be survived!
God has been so good to me as I have traveled!
And I am beyond grateful!
And it bothers me that I don't.
I have desperately wanted to!
When I do dream of him, the dreams are almost always nightmarish.
Only a couple times have they been pleasant.
Early this morning was one of those times.
It was a strange little dream.
We were apart.
Had been for a while.
He was sending me a selfie video of what he had been doing that day.
He was in a very sunny back yard.
His dad and brother, Olen, (both also deceased) were with him.
As was his dog, Rudy (a Valentine's gift to him the year before we married).
The three of them (Dad, Olen, and Al) had come up with a silly invention.
There were frisbees hanging in a tree.
They had some sort of device that they loaded with tennis balls
which were then flung at the frisbees, sending the frisbees sailing.
Rudy chased and caught them.
Their was much laughter and fun going on.
And as I watched the video,
I laughed too
and was so glad he was having a good time.
At the end of the video,
he told me how happy he was,
what fun he was having with his dad and brother.
That he would see me later
and that I should have fun and be happy while I waited.
He said "Show this to Lanny, he'll get a kick out of it.
Maybe he can make one for Mitzi." (Lanny's little dog)
I dream about my Lanny Love a lot.
And so in my Al dream,
as he suggested,
I showed Lanny the video.
He also enjoyed it
and I commented to him how much I enjoyed Al's "little boy" side.
From that point forward, the dream became about my Lanny Love.
I woke from the dream thinking about both of them
and for a moment I was confused.
I did not feel any guilt over dreaming of, thinking about, another man.
And for just a moment I couldn't remember why it was okay.
And then I did.
My Beloved Al is gone.
I find myself strangely comforted.
I so loved the video of my Sweet Al!
It was so good to see him laughing and running and playing and well.
And that's the way it is for him now!
He is supremely happy!
He is completely well!
What a great gift I have been given!
Tears are flowing as I sit here typing.
Tears of love and gratitude.
Love for God that He sent me this little piece
of comfort and confirmation that my Al is happy,
that it is okay for me to move forward.
Love for my Precious Alfie and his generosity
in telling me before his death
that he wanted me to move forward once he was gone.
And love for my Lanny Love,
yet another great gift from God!
The travels of widowhood are not easy.
The trail is twisted and strange.
But it can be navigated!
It can be survived!
God has been so good to me as I have traveled!
And I am beyond grateful!
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him,
and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.
~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~
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