Holidays

Today is Easter. 

And holidays are always hard. 

But this is the first holiday I am spending completely alone, 

other than church this morning, 

so this one is proving particularly difficult.

Everyone in my life had plans

that could not include me

and so this morning,

for the first time in my life,

there was no Easter basket,

no chocolate bunny,

no one to "oooo and ahhh" over my Easter dress.

And that is because life moves forward.

People stop remembering that I am alone, lonely.

And, while it may be the third Easter since Al died,

the vacancy in my life will never completely go away.

Ever.

Under any circumstances.

The "Al hole" will always be there.

It can't be filled by my Lanny Love.

He has his own spot.

It can't be filled by my children.

They have their own spots.

It can't be filled by my grandchildren,

or friends,

or co-workers,

or my job,

or church,

or anything or anyone else.

It is Al's spot.

And it is empty now.

And so no one admired how I looked,

or noticed the new skirt and top,

or gave me a chocolate bunny.

And that's how it should be!

And I'm glad it is that way!

Because people continuing to

mollycoddle and accommodate widows,

or anyone bereaved for any reason,

beyond what is reasonable for that person

(and "reasonable" is different for everyone!!!),

enables them to stay trapped in anguish.

And I have fought against that with a vengeance!

To be honest,

I am a very different woman

than the one Al left behind.

I am much, much stronger!

I am softer, gentler!

I am more compassionate,

more understanding.

And less tolerant of some

nitpicking over inconsequential things.

I don't get my little feelings all hurt quite so easily. 

I've done some very, very foolish things.

And I've learned and grown from them.

I've made some very wise decisions.

And learned to appreciate my own gifts.

And accept my own limitations.
I have some regrets,
and have learned to give myself a break.
I've survived a broken heart.

I have grown tremendously spiritually.

I am a better person now than then!

So, in some ways,

I am glad I am spending this day alone

for it allows me to admire how far I've come!

Go me!

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him,

and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him.

                                                                 ~~ Psalm28:7 NIV ~~